The Lost Child
by dinabar
Summary: An old friend returns and Nikki is the only one able to help. Can she put the past behind her? Can she save the lost child? Do Christmas wishes ever come true?
1. Chapter 1

**Welcome everyone, dive on in, a bit of a mystery, bit of angst, bit of Christmas magic. This is set in the present but in this world Harry's been gone 4 yrs, and Leo 3, I might have slightly overestimated…but that's how much we all miss Harry. I know it's been quiet around here, so if you do read please leave a note, even if to just say hello. Thanks.**

* * *

 **The Lost Child**

 **Summer 2015**

"Your 11 o'clock's in the conference room," Jack called across to Nikki as he watched her make her way to her desk, a stack of manila folders in her arms.

"My 11 o'clock?" she stopped and stared at him, the top envelope slowly slipping down the uneven pile.

"He said you were expecting them." Jack replied leaning back in his chair and turning to look at her.

"Them?" Nikki caught the slightly sheepish look and glanced over at Clarissa to gauge her reaction. She appeared to be engrossed in whatever was under her microscope. It spoke volumes.

"Did he give you a name?" Nikki demanded from below slanted eyebrows and dropped the folders with a loud thud on her desk.

Jack darted a look to Clarissa but she was still glued to her microscope. "I didn't quite catch it," he mumbled. He turned back to his computer and tried to ignore the loud sigh that Nikki expelled as she crossed back across the room and towards the conference room.

"Did Thomas set this up?" Nikki asked.

"No, not Thomas," Jack called after her, but he wasn't sure she'd heard. "Definitely not Thomas." The doors had already closed. He stood to watch her progress as she passed by the windows until he could no longer ignore the burning feeling at the base of his neck from Clarissa's stare.

"What?" he muttered curtly.

"You know!" Was all she said and looked back to her microscope.

"What!" he exclaimed a little more loudly and punctuated it with a sigh. "Really? You thought I'd tell her that?!"

"She's going to find out soon enough. You don't think she should have heard it from you first?"

"No I don't. You really think I'd tell her that Harry and Leo are waiting for her in the conference room? Have you lost your mind?"

"And all this time I thought you enjoyed getting your arse kicked."

"Only by you," Jack pouted and threw his pen down onto the desk, he pointed in the direction of the doors. "I might just go and check she's…" he stuttered to a halt.

"You do that." Clarissa replied and shook her head. "It's not you losing your mind I'm worried about," but he too had passed through the doors before hearing Clarissa's last words of wisdom.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Nikki could only see one man's profile as she approached the door. She was sure Jack had said 'them'. She assessed as much as she could see; the salt and pepper hair, trendy glasses, nice looking shirt. He didn't look like an irate DI and she let out a breath she was unaware she'd even been holding. He also didn't look like a grieving relative, she mentally went through a check list of her recent cases; there was no one outstanding, no one who was likely to force their way into the Lyell Centre just to shout up the place or demand a second opinion. She'd had a run of genuine natural causes recently.

The man ducked his head under the table, there seemed to be something familiar about the way he moved. But the movements didn't quite match the expensive looking shirt and smart glasses. He seemed tired, defeated; if he was there to pick a fight with her she was confident she would win. She held her head up high and pulled open the door with as much bravado as she could manage and marched in, just as the man pulled his head out from under the table and attempted to stand.

Nikki froze.

The man blinked hard twice and took a step back from the desk.

There was an ear-splitting screech from the depths of the table and he sat down again.

"Jack said you were my eleven o'clock?" Nikki mumbled, not really understanding what she seeing, hearing or saying.

"You weren't expecting me?"

Nikki just continued to gape.

"You always said 'I'd come back.'" The man replied quietly. The sound of his voice jolted Nikki back to the impossible reality that was in front of her.

"Harry?" Nikki half whispered, her lips felt rubbery and unused to forming the word that had once come so easily to her lips. She bent down to see the source of the sub-table scream and she caught a glimpse of a child's wide staring eyes before the high pitched noise began again. She broke eye contact, stood up quickly and the noise stopped abruptly.

"Harry?" she said again, scanning his face for the landmark features that would authenticate the man's identity.

"Hello Nikki," he said casually.

Nikki felt her heart stop, she coughed, choked, and half laughed all at once at the absurdity of it all and just as suddenly felt her body start to tremble as four years of rage and fury set a fire in the depths of her belly. His audacity, his lies, his abandonment of her, of Leo. She sucked in a wheezing breath and stared at him open mouthed.

She found herself walking towards him, almost unaware of how or why she was moving and even more unsure of what would happen when she reached her destination. She didn't know if she would punch him in the face or throw her arms around him. In the end she stopped short and offered him her hand.

"Good to see you Harry," she muttered on the autopilot voice she used in times gone by to answer 'I'm fine.' And shook his hand.

Harry returned the handshake but caught her gaze. "It's good to see you Nikki." His voice had lost the casual cadence, she tried to look away but there was something about his eyes that possessed her entirely, she couldn't look away. He looked older, the glasses were new but there was no doubt that this was Harry Cunningham. She recognised every inch of his face, the scar on his forehead he'd got as a child, the one in his eyebrow after Budapest, the sensuous lips and those hazel eyes.

There was something in those eyes so utterly prepossessing. For years she had known every hurt that man had suffered, she had done her best to fight his demons with him, as he had hers but with that one look she knew that somehow his pain had only increased in the intervening years. And it wasn't as though she'd escaped pain free. Every day at the Lyell reminded her of Leo, like a stone in her shoe and there was no way of tipping it out and eradicating the ache. But the pain of the man stood in front of her was more than the dull ache of grief.

She found herself contemplating what her next words should be. What would be appropriate in the situation? What would be professional? Courteous?

How have you been?

Why are you here?

What's with the small child under the table?

What the f*$ do you think you're doing turning up here like this after all these years. You bastard?

She looked briefly down to his shoulder and back up to his face again.

"What can I do?" she asked with a sigh; pulled out the chair next to his and sat down.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The extra pair of legs at the edge of the table provoked the fury of its subterranean occupant. There was another shriek. Nikki could feel the rustle as the child moved and tapped Harry on the leg. He looked under the table and said seriously.

"This is the last one!" and handed something over. There was more scuttling and then quiet.

It was Harry's turn to run through a mental list of appropriate sentences, where to start after all this time?

I should have called.

How have you been?

You look good.

I've missed you.

Sorry to barge in on you like this.

I really need your help.

He looked at Nikki and realised that despite it all she had still offered to help him and she didn't even know with what, nor had he even asked her for help. It had been a long time since Harry had felt that he had someone on his side to fight his corner and the relief rather than being comforting was so overpowering he felt himself choke back tears.

He looked off into the distance, aware that the silence had been far too long and saw the man he'd met initially pacing up and down outside the conference room.

"Do you want to call your Rottweiler off?" He said, tipping his head towards the younger man. "I'll not be any trouble, I promise."

Nikki followed his gaze and felt one side of her mouth twitch.

"You told him who you were didn't you?" She asked.

Harry nodded. "He didn't tell you?"

She shook her head in reply, it was then that she noticed the large bag and a minion backpack.

"Have you come straight from the airport?" she asked. Harry nodded again. "Can I get you a drink? Something to eat? What about …" She ground to a halt, she'd hardly even caught sight of the under table creature and the sounds it made were disturbingly not human but it couldn't be anything other than Harry's child. Could it?

"A coffee would be great thanks, and maybe a mug of water or milk. If you had a biscuit, I'm sure…" Harry tailed off. He couldn't tell her. Not like that. It was unjust. Unkind. Instead he just looked her in the eye and said, "Please."

"Coffee, milk one sugar?" she checked.

He nodded and pulled his hand through his hair, and felt his throat constrict again. He'd spent six and a half hours of the flight imagining this conversation and so far he'd not managed to say anything of note, other than he took his coffee in the same way as he always used to, which of course she hadn't forgotten and yet he felt the woman in front of him seemed to know more about him than anyone he'd met in the intervening four years. So much had changed. Everything had changed. Except Nikki Alexander's understanding of what made him tick and her pathological need to solve all the problems of those in her path and to reach out to the lost. He knew he was using her. He should have steered well clear of her. But he couldn't. He didn't have anyone else.

"I'm sorry." He blurted out, as Nikki stood to go and collect the drinks.

"I'm so sorry."

She cast him a puzzled look over her shoulder as she left the room, but said nothing in return. It was an apology, and he had plenty to apologise for. But she was clueless as to which bit of the last four years he was actually apologising for.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks so much to all of you for reading and reviewing. You made my day.**

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 **Chapter 4**

Harry watched her go, saw her address the tall man outside the conference room and head off in the direction of the kitchen area. He tried to steady his breathing, to determine whereabouts to begin the story of the last four years. She'd already guessed he needed her help, so there was little point in sugar coating. He could just come straight to the point.

He sighed loudly and tugged at his collar despite the fact it wasn't buttoned up. It was eerie being back in this room, it felt as if that previous life of his that he had shared with her here, belonged to someone he didn't know, or couldn't quite remember. The place had changed so much since he'd first walked through the doors all those years ago, he felt he wouldn't recognise the person that Sam and Leo had first worked with when he'd started. But despite everything he had made his way back and he could only hope that the woman he had found here was still as good at finding the answers he had always needed.

He felt another tap on his knee and looked down to see his son gesticulating wildly under the table.

"I told you, that was the last one. Nikki's bringing you something to eat and a drink. Could you please stop screaming? Nikki is our friend." He held his hands out in front of him as if he was shaking hands with himself. "Nikki – friend." The child shook its head and tapped the back of its own hand.

"I told you, that was the last one!" replied Harry. But he made a show of checking through the minion back pack and patted all his pockets. He finally found what the boy was looking for, a silver toy Porsche convertible. He held it out on the palm of his hand, his son took it and added it to the neat line of toys cars stretching under the table with a low brumming sound.

Nikki returned with the coffees and he noted gratefully, a plate of biscuits. Her Lyell Centre colleague - Jack, had she called him? Had not strayed far from the door. She handed Harry the cup of milk and he passed it under the table.

"His mother always wanted to get him tested," Harry blurted out and then shook his head, of all the places to start, that surely was the worst.

"Maybe you should start at the beginning Harry." Nikki suggested. She glared at Jack through the window and he finally backed off.

Harry felt another tug on his trouser leg and looked down. He retrieved the now empty mug and passed down the plate of biscuits. He'd not tasted a chocolate digestive in years but he needed time to tell his story and for that he didn't need a face full of food. He could also rest in the knowledge that at least he had given his son something to eat that day.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"I left the Lyell because I needed to get away. I needed a change. I needed to do something else." Once Harry started, the words poured forth. Nikki kept her eyes fixed on her cup, dimly aware of the humming noise from under the table. "This place was eating away at me, the death, the evil, the futility, the red tape. You remember all that, you know how it was, how I was. Thinking back I know I'd never really dealt fully with all that had happened in…" Harry broke off, who was he kidding he would never come to terms with that awful week when he'd used all the skills of his profession to fake his own death and in doing so betray and devastate those he loved most.

He shook his head and began again "I needed to believe that I could start over: go somewhere foreign, start a new life." He remembered that brief moment of euphoria in Budapest as he looked across the city skyline, the intoxicating delight of a new possibility. "But I was foolish. It is only the expectation that holds the promise. The reality never lives up to it and I had made a desperate miscalculation. I went to the land of the free to liberate myself from evil and futility and red tape and all that had gone before, but no one is really free there. I ended up a captive."

Nikki looked up quizzically.

"A metaphorical captive," Harry clarified. "But possibly only just." He tugged at his hair again. It was something about the Lyell he surmised, that made him retry his humorous one liners from times past. He couldn't remember the last time he'd told a proper joke.

"What can I say? I met a girl, I fell in love, we married, we started a family and just when I thought everything was beginning and I'd finally found all that I wanted from life, everything came crashing down around me. My wife, Laurie came from one of those big, important American families. You know a house in the Hamptons, ski lodge in the Rockies, some of the cousins are in politics, one was state senator, John something or other." He saw Nikki's eyes blink.

"Yes, that one. Laurie worked for an ad agency. Her family made no secret of the fact that they were happy she had settled down, they claimed I had tamed her from her party girl youth. I should have paid more attention to them. To her. To her brother. I should have spotted it. I can't believe I didn't notice until it was too late."

"Didn't notice what? What was too late?" Despite all the hurt that Harry had caused her over the years, she couldn't help but lean in and listen hard to his almost whispered words.

Harry ignored her questions and continued his speech. He'd rehearsed it enough times over the Atlantic, he didn't dare stop now he'd started. "We were both happy when she got pregnant. She sailed through with no problems and then for still unknown reasons, the baby was born seven weeks prematurely in February 2013. It's why I didn't come back, I couldn't come back. I'd just got back from the hospital leaving my new baby son fighting for his life in an incubator when I got your last message. I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry Nikki."

"Your son," Nikki nodded her head towards the table. "He was born…" She knew the contents and timing of her last message to Harry. She'd never truly known why that had been the last message, but she was beginning to put two and two together now."

"Three days after Leo died." Harry continued and then wavered to a stop. What more could be said?

He took a sip of his coffee, rubbed his mouth. He had an overwhelming desire to take her hand, but he knew he couldn't. It wasn't right. It would never be right.

"I wanted to come back for the funeral, I really did but the timing was terrible and I realised I'd never really told you how serious it was with Laurie, not even that we were married and so how could I tell you that I couldn't come to Leo's funeral because I needed to be with my own Leo?"

Nikki's eyes grew round. "You called your son Leo!"

"I couldn't bear to say goodbye! I didn't know how. I couldn't come back for the funeral and pay my respects properly, I was crushed. Leo deserved a legacy after his had been stolen from him, it was all I could do to give my son his name. And at the time my son really needed Leo's fighting spirit or he would never have made it out of that incubator. You never met Cassie, Leo's daughter did you? She was a great kid, precocious, funny, a pain in the arse at times. I had to do something for him, for them." He looked up at Nikki, his face wretched. "How do you do it? How do you keep coming in to this place without him?" Harry asked looking around the room as if expecting to see his old mentor stroll casually in.

"It's all I've got." Nikki replied quietly. Harry blinked, sighed again and continued.

"So I had a new baby, and I'd just lost Leo, which Laurie did not understand. Standard Maternity leave in the States is six weeks and Leo was in hospital for five of those and so her ad agency scaled back her projects and only gave her the most boring ones, she suffered from post-natal depression. I tried to help out but it all got on top of us, her mother and sister would drop by and try to help. Then one day when I came home, Leo was in his pyjamas and ready for bed, the house was tidy and Laurie was more animated than I'd seen her in months. We had a great evening. I truly thought we'd turned a corner. But maybe it was just me turning my back on the truth." He stopped abruptly and shuddered.

"The party girl?" Nikki asked, filling in many of the blanks.

"She had a habit". Harry confessed.

"Not of the expensive shoes and handbags type?" Nikki asked.

Harry shook his head. "Just expensive," he clarified. "She'd been clean as long as I'd known her, but not anymore. She kept it under control at first, but it never stays that way."

"I'm sorry Harry."

"When I did find out, I tried to help her. Gave her so many last chances, we tried counselling, rehab, ultimatums; nothing worked. She could never really admit to herself that she had a problem. I tried and tried. I decreased my work hours. Took Leo for the day, helped her get back to work but whatever I did, it was never enough. Then I discovered she'd maxed out 3 credit cards and used all the money from our savings and anything she could con out of her parents, we were broke; so I gave her the choice of committing to rehab, being sectioned or leaving us and going back to her parents. She left. Within a week she was dead." Harry tugged his hand through his hair again and scrubbed it across his eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

"Your wife's dead?" Nikki asked aghast. Harry nodded.

"What happened?"

He shook his head unable to form the words and in way of explanation gave a slight nod in the direction of the table. But words weren't necessary. Words had never been necessary for them and in her line of work, Harry knew that Nikki had seen every possible drug related cause of death under the sun. None of them were nice.

"Oh, Harry. I'm so sorry."

The humming from under the table had changed pitch slightly. Nikki knew now why she'd thought at first that the man looked defeated. There were absolutely no words of comfort she could offer.

In the silence she tried to process the reasons that Harry had broken contact with her after Leo's death. For years she had resented his absence from Leo's funeral: how he had left her totally alone. Broken all contact with her just when she needed him most. It was that betrayal more than his leaving that had cut her heart to shreds but now she tried to imagine Harry sat beside an incubator watching his child fight for his life and her needs paled into insignificance. She had felt the wrath of his temper too in days gone by, but she could not imagine or justify the level of depravity his wife had stooped to, to result in his banishing her from her house and her child. He must have known what would happen if he kicked her out? He'd spent enough of his life cutting open dosed up street junkies.

The monotonous humming noise was making her head ache, so was processing the contradictions in the man sat beside her. It was Harry, of that she had no doubt. But she didn't know this new Harry, she could it seemed still read him like a book, she understood every word he hadn't said in the previous conversation but she was unfamiliar with his last few chapters. Was the man sat next to her now still the man who she had worked alongside, had gone out to dinner with, and gone to parties with? The man who had lived in her house for a few days when his own flat was destroyed. The man she had held in her arms so many times, the man she had kissed, the man she had loved and who had broken her heart?

She looked at the dispirited man in front of her. She'd seen him like it before and had prayed at the time that she would never have to see it again. And yet here he was back from the dead for a second time and this was no less horrific than the abject horror of the first occasion. Somewhere she hoped that man, the Harry that she did know was still inside this shell of a Harry sat at the conference table.

"How long ago," she whispered, her eyes meeting his dejected gaze.

"Two months," he replied.

"Why did you leave?"

She saw him sigh again, and his shoulders slump. His eyes lost focus and he stared through her, and through the wall beyond.

"I have nothing, Nikki. Nothing." He gulped in a breath. "I had to go bankrupt because of the debt. I was forced out of my job, apparently spouses with blow habits don't go down well on campus," he paused, refocused briefly and twisted his mouth into a sneer, "well maybe that's how she got some of her money…"

"Harry stop!" Nikki begged her eyes boring through the table.

"Why are you here?" she inquired.

"I need your help."

"Yes, I know. But how?" Nikki asked.

"I need to be sure he's mine." Harry said simply.

"Leo?" Nikki questioned, the name feeling even more unfamiliar than Harry's had half an hour earlier.

"Laurie's parents have filed for custody, citing me as an unfit father and questioning even my rights of paternity. If they win, they can take him from me and I'll never see him again."

"But you know he's yours." She said quickly. Her brain adding another piece to the tragedy puzzle in front of her.

"I was there at the birth, but that doesn't necessarily make him mine. I need to know."

"Couldn't the paternity test have been done there?" Nikki blurted out, her brain snapping into action now it was on ground that she understood and that she could do something about.

"Laurie's brother Greg tipped me off about what the family were going to do. He wasn't like the others. I should have listened to him from the start. As soon as he told me, I grabbed Leo and everything I could put in a holdall and got on the first flight to London. 12 hours later and their court order would have banned us from leaving. I don't trust Laurie's family not to doctor the paternity test results over there. They have friends in high places, the family don't like scandals and they have enough money to make them go away. I don't trust anyone over there to do it."

"But you still trust me?"

"I've always trusted you." Harry replied. His eye's softened and she kept his gaze.

"And when they find out you've taken Leo out of the country, won't you be in trouble?"

"I'm bankrupt Nikki, my wife is dead. I have no job, I have an almost three year old with problems and my last $150 in my pocket. What is real trouble? Can you do the test please? I can pay. I have some English savings she couldn't touch. It'll take a while to access them but I need to be sure Nikki. I need the truth." He broke off and scrubbed at his cheek with his palm.

"I really have to know. I didn't know where else to go. I'm sorry for everything. You have every right to kick me out on the street and I wouldn't blame you for doing it, but I know you Nikki, I trust you. You never give up looking. You always believed. You found the children everyone else had given up on or that last vital piece of evidence. Please I need you to do this for me and for Leo; to find out where he belongs once and for all."

"It'll take ten days, a week at least."

"I know, Nikki. I can wait. I'm sorry, I didn't know what else to do." He repeated.

"I'll have to get Thomas' permission."

"That's fine. I'll talk to him if you like." Harry pleaded. Nikki shook her head, she'd already got that speech prepared in her head; Thomas would never refuse her. She looked back at the man in front of her, willing herself to see more of the man he'd once been. She was beginning to get tired, she had to get somewhere else to think, process. Somewhere quiet.

"Are you staying at your mother's?"

Harry shook his head morosely. "She's cruising around the Baltic, won't be back for another week." Nikki looked at him through hooded eyes. He knew she'd figured him out. After all he'd been through he never realised he'd feel this shitty.

"A week?" She felt her hand shake as she picked up her bag from the floor, ready to make her exit.

Harry nodded.

Nikki stood up, took a familiar key from her bag and held it out to him.

"It's the same place. You'll have to share with Leo. I need to get back to work. There might be food in the fridge. You alright to see yourself out of here?"

Harry couldn't help it this time. He held out his hand and watched as she dropped the key into it, silent tears spilling from the corners of his eyes.

"Thank you," he whispered as he watched her turn on her heel and leave.

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 **So that's the set up... I always love to hear your thoughts on where you think this is going!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks again to all those reading, following and reviewing.**

* * *

 **Chapter 7**

"So?" asked Jack as she returned to her desk and started shuffling the manila folders, relieved that the only humming she could hear now was the low frequency moan of her laptop.

"So what?" Nikki asked.

"What did he want?"

"Harry?" She questioned, as if there could be a million other people that Jack's question referred to.

"Yes, Harry. Why's he back?" Nikki noticed Clarissa had looked up, eager to hear her answer. Harry had left before either of them had joined the team, she was surprised they were so curious. She'd never mentioned him to Jack. She'd forgotten how big a mouth Leo had had.

"He just needs a paternity test done, he doesn't trust the authorities in America where he's living. He says his in-laws are trying to take his child away from him."

"What does his wife say?" Jack asked.

"Not a lot. She's dead."

Jack blew out a breath. "Tough break, what was he like?"

"Who?" Nikki asked.

"The child? Did they look similar? You would know wouldn't you?"

"I have no idea." Nikki replied. She'd only made eye contact once, she'd have more chance of identifying him from the sound of his shrieks or humming than his face. "I didn't see him, he was under the table the whole time. Did you see him when they came in?"

"No, Harry was carrying him and the boy had his face buried in his shoulder. What are you going to do now?"

"Ask Thomas to authorise the test."

"He won't be happy."

"He can't really argue if the fee is paid and the department's not out of pocket."

"Where's the sample?" Jack asked.

"I didn't take one."

"What?"

"I'll do it later, they'd only just stepped off the plane. The child was not in the mood. I'll do it later."

"What do you mean later?" Jack asked and Nikki heard the electric motor of Clarissa's chair as she moved in to hear more. She felt the eyes of both her colleagues stare at her.

"I said they could stay with me for a week, just until his mother is home from her holiday. It's only a week."

"What was wrong with a hotel?"

"It's done," said Nikki. "I've given him the key."

"Nikki!" Jack growled balling his hands into fists.

"Don't be so worried," Nikki replied with what she attempted to be a light laugh. "You never knew him, it'll be fine. He's stayed with me before…" She had known him then of course, but she didn't really know the man she had just given the key of her house to.

"Be careful Nikki." Clarissa warned. "Please."

"You know you said his wife had died…" Jack continued.

"He had nothing to do with it!" Nikki retorted, with a determination to keep a poker face. Would Laurie have been dead if Harry hadn't kicked her out? He had given her a choice. She watched the look that passed between Jack and Clarissa and studiously returned her attention to the pile of cases on her desk. She would find out later one way or the other.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

After the third time Jack had asked Nikki if she wanted him to go home with her, Nikki gave up pretending to work late, she assured Jack that she would be fine and that she would call him at nine with an update; she shut down her computer and left the Lyell.

She'd not been able to help herself, she'd researched Harry's profile on the University website and news reports using the name Laurie Cunningham. The university website had expunged all references to Harry in the current staff list, but there were some gallery pictures of medical students winning top awards that he was in. It seemed his life at NYU had been a success.

There was nothing about Laurie except an announcement of her death in the New York Times, no other information which in itself piqued Nikki's interest. There was just the date of birth and date of death and the family name and the mention of a surviving husband and son. Maybe her family were as good as Harry said at avoiding scandals. By googling her under her maiden name, Nikki found enough promotional pictures from the ad agency Laurie had worked for to learn that she was young, blond and beautiful. None of which was a surprise to her. She'd have known as much if she'd spent her time finishing the paperwork for her last PM and not gone near the internet.

Nikki knew she'd find her key in the decoration on her porch. They hadn't agreed it, but she knew it would be there. It was over four years ago since Harry had stayed last, the only familiar thing seemed to be the location of the key.

There was no expensive bunch of flowers on the hall table, he had left her a note; it said thank you and had some blue biro scribbles which she hoped was Leo's contribution. The house was dark and quiet. She tried to imagine it was just a normal evening, like any other when she came home alone. But the house felt different, pregnant with possibilities.

She put the light on in the kitchen and walked towards the kettle. She pulled it towards the edge of the work surface where it was easier to reach wondering why Harry had pushed it so far back and then looked open mouthed at the other changes in her kitchen. Harry had obviously been busy. He'd moved the cleaning products from under the sink to the high cupboards, taken anything breakable out of the low cupboards and rehoused it higher up and anything less high risk from a higher place to a lower place and even then two of her cupboards had their handles tied together. It's only for a week she told herself and went to survey the rest of her home.

There was the faint sound of snoring from the spare room, she tried to ignore it but curiosity got the better of her. This was probably her best chance to get a good look at Leo, especially if this morning's performance was going to be repeated. She put the light on in the passage and opened the door. Leo had his legs spread wide and his arms flung above his head in such a babyish pose that for a moment Nikki's breath caught in her throat. He had his mother's fair hair and complexion, dark lashes and chubby cheeks. He looked so calm and angelic and not at all capable of emitting the screeching sounds that Nikki had heard earlier that morning. He also, she noticed whilst the hair on the back of her neck stood up, did not look at all like Harry.


	9. Chapter 9

**Hardly spoilers but mention of Season 12 Ep 5 The Lost Child and Season 13 Ep 2 Voids. All quotes and Silent Witness belong to the BBC, just borrowing my favourite characters for some Christmas fun.**

* * *

 **Chapter 9**

Despite being fast asleep Harry himself looked exhausted, his skin was paler than she recalled and the grey in his hair was even more noticeable in the half light. He began to stir so she crept quietly out of the room and turned off the light outside. She knew they had come straight from the airport, but he hadn't said when they'd started their journey. If he had fled to the airport and then bought his ticket they could have spent the previous night waiting for a flight.

She tiptoed back to the kitchen, filled her cup and pushed the kettle to the back of the worktop again and stood holding her mug of tea against her chin. She tried to analyse her motives for agreeing to let Harry stay. Was it for the sake of their old friendship? Because he was desperate? Because she could never turn down a sob story? She'd not even found any proof of his story, only that his wife was dead. But why would he lie to her? He wouldn't have fled America with someone else's child knowingly? Harry had done some questionable things in his time, but that would be extraordinary.

The words of her old science teacher, Noel Hopkins suddenly clanged on her consciousness.

'He's just another one of your causes to make you feel connected. It's the innocent child; motherless, fatherless, lost. It's you you're looking for. You're the lost child but you're too late; that child's gone.'

She'd never let on how Noel's words had cut her that time.

Her thoughts returned to Harry. Even he'd accused her of taking on the world like a bloodied knight in shining armour. He didn't seem to mind so much when it had been him she'd defended, rescued, brought back from the dead, but it had been at a price. Could she do it again? Did she want to? Was he only here because he knew her well enough to know that she would give him everything he wanted despite the personal cost? Just another using bastard in her life, in a long line of using bastards that stretched all the way back to her own father.

"Fish finger sandwich?" said a deep voice from across the room.

"Harry!" she blustered, turning quickly and spilling hot tea on her hand. "Shit! Ermm. Sorry I woke you…"

"It's ok. I don't sleep much." In times past this would have been accompanied by one of Harry's trade mark lopsided grins, but looking at him now she could see that it was just the sad truth.

Nikki's phone rang, causing her to jump again. She noticed the time and the caller as she swiped to answer.

"Hello Jack, I'm fine ok. I'm just about to have something to eat."

Harry couldn't hear the rest of the conversation but he gathered it was enough to placate Nikki's colleague.

"I like that he's worried about you." Harry said after she disconnected. "I would be in his position."

"He's a good man." Nikki replied. She felt Harry's questioning gaze full force on her.

"We just work together, we look out for each other." She replied, answering his unstated question.

"We, just worked together once," Harry replied, his real question still hanging in the air between them.

"It's just work. I'm on my own." she added.

Harry nodded, placated. "I half expected a line of size 11 shoes by the front door and oversized coats on the hook, but it's just as it always was…" He tailed off. He'd realised as he put the key in the lock that he knew nothing of her life for the past 3 years. "I thought you would have found someone…"

"Would you have stayed if there was?"

Harry nodded. "It's not an easy position to be in Nikki, but I have no one else. Thank you. Sorry about the remodelling of the kitchen, I'll put it all back when we leave… I just didn't want…"

"It's ok. It's fine Harry. It was a good idea. Thank you. It's going to be ok. Did you really buy fish fingers?"

"Yep. Leo prefers sushi, but it's not in my budget at the moment!"

"He has discerning tastes for a 3 year old."

"Tell me about it, I think I enjoyed the fish fingers more than he did."

"Tea?" She asked as Harry opened the freezer and removed the remaining fish fingers.

"Decaff would be great. Thanks." He turned his attention to the frying pan and Nikki searched the cupboards for the decaff teabags. It was a bizarre moment of awkward domesticity. She tried to summon up all the feelings of hatred she had nursed over the years since his disappearance from her life. It was still there, a heavy rock overshadowing her consciousness but now a small fissure was letting in a tiny beam of light and she felt again the old ache of her heart beating in sympathy with his pain.

Noel had been right.

She was a sucker for hopeless causes and lost children. Harry had been damaged enough before he left, he'd always struggled with his father's death and now he had lost his wife. "What would you have done if I'd have said 'no'" Nikki asked.

"To what?" Harry replied. "Doing the test?"

She shook her head, "To staying here?"

Harry shrugged and met her gaze for the first time that evening, he didn't want to appear presumptuous but neither did he have other options. "I'd have begged," he said hollowly. "Ketchup or tartare sauce?" He added turning back to the food.

"Erm Tartare sauce please, do I have any?" He smiled and produced the jar with a flourish. She turned back to her tea as Harry turned the lid, her kitchen suddenly seemed too small for eye contact.

"I'm really sorry Harry," Nikki said quietly. "You knew I wouldn't turn you away, didn't you?"

He half smiled, half nodded and offered her the completed sandwich.

"It's been a long time Nikki, I know I don't deserve your kindness."

"But you were banking on me taking you in?" He shrugged and nodded, the smile fading.

"Thanks," she said gratefully and took the plate. "But remember, I'm doing this for Leo."

"Thank you." He answered; not asking which Leo and left her to eat alone.

* * *

 **Ah so much angst... aren't I cruel?**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

"So you're still here then?" Jack grinned at her and handed Nikki a coffee.

"Of course," she smiled. "You couldn't really have been worried if you bought me coffee," Nikki said pointedly.

"Oh that… I got it for Clarissa but she didn't want it…" Jack smirked.

"Thanks," Nikki replied sarcastically, realising that Jack wouldn't leave until he'd heard more details and they had worked together long enough for him to know the signs of a bad night's sleep.

"So is it his?"

Jack nodded towards the samples that Nikki had been labelling, ready to send to the lab.

"It?"

"Him?"

"Leo," Nikki clarified.

"Hmm," replied Jack uneasily. "Why Leo?"

"The child was born three days after our Leo died. Harry and Leo had worked together for years even before I joined the team. Leo was his mentor, his friend, his…"

"Alright, I get it," Jack interrupted. "The question is, is Leo his?"

"That's what we're going to find out." Nikki replied tapping the envelope that she had now filled.

"But…"

"What do you want me to say Jack, that they are clones of each other? Or that he looks like the milkman?"

"I don't think they have milkman in America."

"Jack!"

Jack knew when he was beaten and slunk away. "I just thought there might be something," he muttered over his shoulder. "I thought babies were supposed to look like their fathers, some kind of evolutionary, survival of the fittest…"

"Have you been reading the Daily Mail again?"

Jack shrugged and turned away.

"He has Harry's eyes." Nikki said quietly and imagined the grin that spread across her colleagues face. Not in solidarity with Harry, just that he had wheedled the information from her. She didn't really know why she had been so cagey, she was desperate to share the story of taking the DNA sample from Leo, but somehow she saw it as a betrayal.

Harry had not understated the fact that Leo had problems and those had nothing to do with the death of his mother, nor the custody battle his grandparents had instigated.

Leo had been sat at the table when Nikki walked into the kitchen that morning, but instead of a bowl of cereal, he had a line of toy cars in front of him that he was arranging with pinpoint precision. He moved one a fraction of an inch, moved it back, rocked back and forth in his chair and then seemingly returned the vehicle to its original position and then proceeded to the next car in the line. The cycle never seemed to stop.

"Do you want breakfast?" Nikki had asked, directing the question at Harry.

"I said I'd do it, after you finished."

"Is he ready?"

Harry had shrugged and gently addressed his son.

"Leo, this is Nikki, remember Nikki. She's our friend." Nikki had been startled to see that the hand gestures she was so used to Harry using weren't in fact to make the point but some kind of sign language.

Leo had pointed at Nikki, but he didn't look away from his cars and then shook hands with himself.

"Yes, Leo. Good. Nikki she's our friend." Harry had repeated the hand shaking sign. "She's going to help us Leo. Watch, first it's going to be Daddy's turn. Watch what she does." Harry had flicked two fingers from his eyes towards Nikki. Nikki had snapped on some gloves and grabbed the swaps she'd brought home the night before and taken a cheek sample from Harry. She'd not been as close to him since his return, he'd changed his aftershave or deodorant and she could see the crow's feet and fine lines on his forehead. She could feel Leo's stare on her and see him out of the corner of her eye burrowing into the back of his chair and rocking.

"See, easy!" Harry gave Leo a thumbs up sign. "Do you think you can do it too?"

Leo had pressed his lips tight together and shook his head.

Nikki had moved closer to Leo's chair and she saw him take a deep breath in preparation for what was no doubt going to be one of the ear piercing screams she'd heard the day before.

"Sh, Sh, no screaming now. I'm here Leo. Nothing to worry about. Why don't you play with your cars and Nikki can sit here and when you're ready you let me know. Ok. We won't rush."

Leo had let out the breath quietly and rearranged the cars again by an infinitesimal amount. Nikki sat and waited. She had to get to work. She couldn't sit here all day waiting for an obstructive toddler to open his mouth. She couldn't believe Harry was pandering to the child in such a way. He'd never mentioned that the child was deaf… did that explain the constant humming and screaming of yesterday? And why not test him if he was deaf? Hadn't he said his wife said wanted him tested?

She'd tried to catch Harry's eye, but he kept his gaze averted. Leo had worked along the row of cars slowly, at the penultimate car he looked up pointed at Nikki and repeated the friend sign and another that Nikki didn't recognise.

"Yes, Leo. Nikki is our friend. She can help us."

At that Leo looked up into Nikki's eyes and had opened his mouth. Nikki had lost no time, she took the sample quickly but she could see her hand shaking. It was the first time she'd made eye contact with Leo, he was a good looking child, with his mother's colouring and features but there was something about the eyebrows or bridge of the nose and those hazel eyes. She had found it hard not to stare.

"Thank you Leo, you were a good boy." She'd found herself saying, looking into those eyes had suddenly brought back a memory of kissing Harry at an office Christmas party and she'd felt her face flush hot.

Leo had tapped his chin and then returned to the final car in his line.

"I've got to get to work," Nikki had stuttered, she didn't know what to say to Harry about what had just gone on.

"Thank you." He'd said sincerely. "What time will you be back?"

"Around 7? I'll leave a message on the answer machine if it's different. Have a good day. Have you got what you need?"

Harry had smiled and had held up the spare keys. Nikki dug in her bag and held out some cash.

"This should stretch to more than fish fingers." She'd put in on the table knowing Harry would be too proud to take it from her. Leo had begun to hum and move the cars to face the other direction. Harry stopped smiling and Nikki had run for the door.

* * *

 **Well you didn't think I'd make it easy for them did you?**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

Leo was in bed when Nikki returned. Harry was pretending to read, he looked whiter than ever.

"You alright?" Nikki asked. Harry ran a hand over his face in lieu of a reply. "The samples are all sent off, they might be back before next weekend, but more likely early the following week."

"Thanks." Harry said wearily.

Nikki couldn't hold the question in any longer. "What if he's not yours Harry, what are you going to do?" Harry sat forward and held his head in his hands.

"I don't know Nikki. I don't even know if I want to know. But I HAVE to know."

She stepped closer but didn't reach out and touch him. He had carried this last pain by himself and she could feel herself excluded by an invisible wall. She had no right to break into it.

"He has your eyes," she said quietly.

"Let's just wait for the science," Harry said gruffly.

"You never told me he was deaf," Nikki continued after mentally counting to 10 after Harry's last comment. That was one thing she hadn't missed in the last four years; his moods and his temper.

"Leo's not deaf, he loves music…" Harry continued defensively.

"Sorry, I just saw you using sign language…"

Harry sat up straighter and summoned energy from somewhere within and began to talk. "When I first took time off work to help look after Leo, he was about 9 months old. I'd heard about a music group at NYU designed for babies and pre-schoolers and so I took him along. The parents and children all sang especially created songs and nursery rhymes with signs. It taught them to say please and thank you, to say hello, lots of basic vocabulary that a child needed but isn't able to say. "More cookies please." Were Leo's first words, well signs. Harry demonstrated the simple signs. It was fun we liked it, he would watch the others and sometimes join in. Afterwards we took the children to a park if the weather was fine, it was a lovely morning and Leo enjoyed it. I thought he would stop signing when he started to talk, it's what all the older children in the group did. They just used the signs alongside to make their meaning clearer."

"You're not saying that because you taught him to sign, he didn't learn to talk?"

"No, he learned to talk. He used to be quite the chatterbox but as Laurie grew worse, Leo got quieter and quieter, he was still signing to me so I didn't notice until after Laurie left and I realised he'd stopped talking altogether.

"So he's a selective mute?" Nikki asked.

"He's my Leo. I'm not sure labels are that helpful."

"And the thing with the cars and the rocking…"

Harry interrupted. "Nikki, please, I'm not stupid. I know what it looks like. You put him in for any evaluation and they will diagnose an autistic spectrum disorder, most likely Asperger's Syndrome but I know him. Before it all went wrong with Laurie; he was just like any of the other children in that group. Maybe it's some kind of post-traumatic stress thing. I just need to find out if he's mine and then work out how I can get the real Leo back.

"And if he's not yours?" she repeated.

"It won't be my problem," he said callously.

"You wouldn't give him up?"

"I wouldn't have a choice," Harry replied with a choke.

"And if he is yours and he doesn't get better?"

"It will be tough, but he will still be my son and I will be the father he needs." Harry rubbed his hand across his face again. It was odd how the two of them had ended up working together, him losing his father at the age of 11, her losing her mother at a similar age. It had scarred them both, so she knew how vital it was to Harry to be the father to Leo that he had never had.

"We'll just have to wait and see what the results bring," Nikki said. She saw Harry yawn. "You look exhausted."

"I am," he admitted. "You wouldn't believe how much space a child that size can take up in a double bed." He stood and picked up the book he'd been holding. "There's spaghetti and meatballs, waiting for you."

"Thanks," Nikki said to his retreating form. "You don't always have to cook for me," she said.

"I can't do much else," Harry called back.

Nikki lifted the top plate gingerly to inspect the contents. She really couldn't face tinned spaghetti, her student days of pot noodles and tinned food were long gone. She was surprised to see a healthy plate of fresh pasta and home-made meatballs with a garnish of basil left on the side so it didn't spoil when she reheated the dinner in the microwave. She thought with not a little relief that it was obviously more than just childcare and sign language that Harry had learned whilst he'd been away.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

"Still with us, I see," was how Jack greeted Nikki the following morning.

"Drop it Jack, it's getting old." Nikki replied curtly.

"Alright. I was just looking out for you."

"Thanks, but it's not necessary. I've known Harry for years, he had nothing to do with the death of his wife; he's just trying to make a life for himself and his child."

"So where's he looking for a job? There's no place for him back here. Has he looked at nurseries?"

"What is the matter with you Jack?!" Nikki almost shouted. "He's not even been here a week, just give him a break."

"I'm just trying to help."

"Help?" Nikki exploded. "How does that help?"

Jack stared at her. She couldn't see it. How could she not see it?

"He's using you Nikki, he's already staying rent free; if you don't watch out he'll be putting moves on you and dumping the kid on you as soon as he can." He raised his eyes to meet Nikki's angry glare. "I just don't want to watch you get hurt," he added.

"What and this is better?" She gesticulated wildly. "Arguing with you, is significantly better than having a friend come stay for a week? And he's not staying rent free. He's done all of the cooking and most of the tidying up since he arrived so kindly keep your jealous over-interest to yourself." Nikki whirled out of the office and to the locker rooms. She couldn't cope with Jack when he was like this. Shouting at him never worked. The only thing that really got through to Jack was a punch in the jaw, and even if she'd wanted to, she simply wasn't tall enough to reach.

She pulled her scrubs over her head angrily. She couldn't get rid of the anger because there was an element of truth to Jack's concerns. Leo was in no state for a nursery or childminder and with no child care how could Harry even consider working? He'd asked her for an old towel that morning, so they could dry off the slide at the park. They went early so that Leo would have the place to himself, but it often meant the swings and other play equipment were still wet from the dew. And as for putting moves on… They'd not even touched since the time they shook hands in the conference room. It was like there was a 2 mile exclusion zone around Harry and she wasn't even sure why.

She picked up the notes for the autopsy she was about to begin: Sierra Merryfield, age 4, serious and multiple disabilities. Found dead in her bed. Mother: Chloe Merryfield 23, moderate learning difficulties suspected of smothering the child. It was up to her to find out if this child's life had ended in a tragic accident, of natural causes or at the hands of her mother. She still didn't like doing children. She'd enjoyed Leo's embargo, it helped keep them all sane for a while. But then after Harry left and Leo was gone there seemed to only be insanity left and so the embargo was lifted.

She looked at the small shape under the sheet. She couldn't help picturing Leo. He'd looked so peaceful that first night she'd looked in on him. But she'd quickly learned the truth. Leo had woken three times the previous night screaming. Harry said they were nightmares. But how could you be sure? She'd made them both a hot chocolate the first time he'd woken and had seen the terror in Leo's eyes; the remains of the dream clinging and haunting him. He'd just repeated one sign over and over again.

'Frightened' translated Harry as he held him close.

"How can I help him?" Nikki asked. With any other child she'd have held them tight and given them a hug, but Leo struggled to give her eye-contact. Giving him a hug would be his idea of torture. The exception was his father, sometimes it was hard to tell where Leo ended and Harry started they held each other so closely.

"Give him time." Harry begged. "Be consistent"

Nikki found fibres in the girl's air way. It didn't bode well. She requested a second visit to the scene. She was struck again by the pinkness of the girl's bedroom, the plethora of toys and gadgets. This was no love starved child. Above the bed was a pink princess canopy, Nikki snipped off a small sample. Maybe it had fallen and being unable to move it herself the suffocation had been an accident. There was nothing here to show that the mother had wanted rid of her daughter, despite all her problems and there was no evidence of bruising on the face or anywhere else on the girl's body. She walked down the hall; at the door was Sierra's wheelchair and car seat. It made her think of her spare bedroom.

Apart from his cars Nikki hadn't seen Leo with anything, no toys, no special cup, nothing and she didn't have a car seat. How would they get to Harry's mother's house? What would he even like to play with? She didn't want to buy her way into Leo's affections, but compared to this child, he had nothing.

She sank into her car outside the house and locked herself in. What had she done? Leo was the most frustrating child she had ever met. He lived up to his namesake in many ways, especially the way he stared at her when she wasn't looking at him. He chose not to talk. He rarely looked people in the eye and the only noises she'd ever heard him make were ear piercing screams and the monotonous drone of his brumming when playing with his cars. And yet here she was considering what she could do to make him happier.

It had to be his eyes, the way he looked at her as if he was looking deep inside her. The only other person ever to do that had been Harry. Maybe that was why her desire to help was so strong. Or maybe frustrating and exhausting as he was there was something in her that was desperate to play the mother and those desires were becoming harder and harder to ignore.

She was falling in love again.

But not with Harry.

With an angelic looking almost 3 year old with enough problems to write a book about.

Maybe she should have listened to Jack.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

It was Friday and she had no more excuses for working late. She left early enough to catch the shops before closing and entered a charity shop she passed every day. It was in an old garage and there was always an array of prams, kid's bikes and furniture displayed in what was originally the forecourt, there were also places to park. She figured her chances were high of finding car seats, unless there were safety restrictions about resale. Even in the charity shop there was a confusing number of seats to choose from, she grabbed the first one the assistant recommended for Leo's age and took it to the counter. As she waited in the queue a brightly coloured box caught her eye. 'Marble run 99p no marbles'. The box contained the pieces of plastic tubing that clipped together to form a variety of slides for the marbles to run down. She was sure Leo would love it. Marbles couldn't be hard to find and at 99p it wouldn't be out of Harry's price range if he didn't want her to buy Leo toys or he didn't play with it.

"It's got no marbles inside," the shop assistant warned her.

"I know, it's fine. I'll get some." Nikki answered and paid for them both.

"There might be some in that basket over there," the assistant pointed again at a basket filled with brightly coloured plastic toy detritus. Nikki had a quick rummage and pulled out a little string bag of marbles and took it back to the counter.

"I'll need to charge you an extra 20p for the marbles."

"That's fine." It had been a long time since she'd been in a shop like this. She looked at the sign above the checkout area. The shop was run by a group of local churches to fund a night shelter and food bank. She pulled a £10 note out of her purse and handed it over.

"Keep the change," she said and took her purchases back to the car.

"You're early," Harry called out as she walked through the door.

"And I'm not on call this weekend," she said proudly and then stopped.

Leo was laying on the carpet examining the row of cars in front of him, making precision alterations as usual but Harry was already standing, letter in hand, anger marring his handsome face.

"Who have you told?" Harry asked tersely.

"Who have I told what?"

"Who else have you told about us?"

"Us? I haven't told anyone Harry. Jack knows but he saw you and him and Clarissa and Jack both know you're staying here. Thomas knows about the DNA test, but I don't think I told him you were here. What's this all about?"

Leo's brumming volume began to edge louder.

"Well you've told someone!" He thrust the letter in her face, she couldn't read the detail but could see the heading of a US law firm and deduced it had something to do with his in-laws. "Why would you do that? He grabbed her wrist tightly and then pushed it away from him as if it were infected. He was closer to her now, face in hers; anger rolling off him in waves. She wondered how she used to put up with it, he was scaring her now.

"Harry, I've not told anyone."

"Do you trust this Jack? Maybe he thought he was doing you a favour?"

Nikki began to breathe heavily, the evening had started so pleasantly. Jack wouldn't have given away Harry's whereabouts on purpose. Would he?

"It wasn't Jack." She said with as much conviction as she could muster. He'd kept enough of his own secrets to know to keep out of another person's private business.

"Then who? The nosey DI on the case you're working on, the girl in the coffee shop, the receptionist at the Lyell?"

"Harry, no, I haven't. And besides you never said that your staying here was a secret."

"I didn't really expect them to be looking yet. It's not even been a week and they've found me. I can't believe Krystia has so many cronies." he flung the letter on the floor and collapsed down into a chair. Leo notched his volume up again.

"Harry, there has to be an explanation. It's easy to find people nowadays. Have you used your phone, your credit card?"

"I'm not an idiot Nikki!" Harry shouted; back on his feet and pacing again.

"Maybe they just looked in the obvious places. If I was trying to track you I'd check with your mother and then check with work colleagues. It's not far down the list to get to me. Harry you said it yourself, I was your only option…"

"I just can't think straight anymore," he groaned. Leo rolled over and got louder. "Leo, can you just be quiet for five minutes!" Harry snapped at his son angrily.

Leo immediately shuffled over to the wall, stuffed his fingers in his ears and started the high pitched shrieking noise Nikki had heard at the Lyell on their first day. All the while rocking his body and slamming it back into the wall.

"Leo be quiet!" Harry barked.

Nikki saw Leo's eyes go round then he covered his face with his arms, as he continued to slam into the wall.

"I'm sorry Leo, sorry. I didn't mean to get angry. I'm not angry with you. Sh now," Harry said soothingly, dropping to the floor and stroking his son's back, and trying to protect his head from hitting the wall. But Leo was having none of it and the shrieking continued.

"Harry, why don't you take a break? Go for a walk, get a coffee. Just go away for five minutes and calm down."

"I don't need you to give me parenting advice!" Harry shouted back over the noise. He turned back to his son, but Leo lashed out at him, flinging his arms against him.

"Leo. Stop it!" Harry commanded.

"Harry, give him some space," Nikki said gently.

"I don't need your help!" Harry growled back.

"Then in that case, it's my house. I'm asking you to leave for five minutes, please." She said calmly and went to open the front door.

Harry looked shocked and appalled, "But Leo… He'll never calm down if I go…"

"Harry, you need to calm yourself down first, just go and stand in the street for a bit. We'll be alright."

Now it was Harry's turn to look anxious. "But we've not been apart since…"

Nikki just opened the door wider. "Then it's definitely time you took a break. Five minutes!" And she shut the door with trembling hands as soon as he'd walked through it.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

Nikki knew that no hot chocolate was going to calm Leo down this time. She had said five minutes and it was possible to tolerate his noise for that long, he was still rocking but not hitting himself so hard. She was shaken herself. In the past when Harry had lashed out at her, she could always see his side, what it was that had made him angry. But today?

She couldn't go and give Leo a cuddle that would be worse than Harry shouting at him; so instead she went to get the marble run out of her bag and sat in his line of vision and quietly began to put the toy together. It was quite complicated in reality, you had to visualise the way the ball would roll and fix the pieces together. She built a simple run and tried out the first marble. Leo was still shrieking, but she could feel him watching her.

"This is a cool toy Leo," Nikki began to say quietly, she noticed him out of the corner of her eye, remove his fingers from his ears. "You fix the pieces together like this and you can build all kinds of different towers and then watch the marble roll down." She heard Leo's volume decrease slightly so she carried on even more quietly. "There were lots of toys in the shop I went to today. There are even ten marbles to go down and this one has a beautiful blue colour going through the middle of it. But marbles aren't for babies. They are only for big boys who can be trusted to play with them properly." She plopped another marble at the top of a basin shaped piece and the ball spiralled around and around faster and faster until is dropped through the hole in the centre. Leo's shrieks had descended to half sobs and the odd hiccup.

Nikki carried on talking nonsense about the toy and the noises the balls made as they rolled down the various shaped pieces. The relative silence was blissful. Leo shuffled his bottom across the carpet closer to the toy and then sat up to watch. He rubbed his fist across his chest but Nikki thought nothing of it until he repeated the action.

"I don't know what that means Leo. I don't know what you're trying to tell me."

"Do you want a turn?" she held out a marble to him but he refused to take it. He just repeated the sign and pointed to the door and repeated the sign again.

"Daddy will be back in a minute. But you're fine here with me. We're having fun aren't we?"

Leo divided his attention between the door and the marbles rolling down the tracks. Nikki poured all ten in at once and there was a satisfying whooshing wave like noise as they all spiralled around the top basin piece. When all the balls had got to the bottom, Nikki removed them and placed them in a neat line. Then collected them up again. She couldn't leave Leo with the marbles if she weren't watching. What if he swallowed one?

"I'll just go check on Daddy," she said and went to the door. Out in the street, Harry was nowhere in sight. She had a moment of panic when she imagined that he might have taken off and left her with Leo. Five minutes she could manage, half hour at a stretch. She stepped further down the path and saw Harry sitting in the street leaning his back against the front wall.

"It's very quiet in there." Harry commented. "What did you do?"

"Just a bit of playing." Nikki replied.

"You didn't touch his cars, did you?" Harry replied aghast. Nikki shook her head. "I'm sorry Harry. I haven't told anyone you're here. I'm sorry they found you. But they can't take Leo back, not until we get our results back."

Harry eased himself to his feet, his gaze fixed to the floor. "It's me who should apologise. I shouldn't have shouted, I shouldn't have grabbed at you. I just panicked." He reached out and gently stroked the fingertips of the hand he had snatched with his. It was the first time in a week that Harry had touched her and she realised how much she had missed him. She'd been angry with him for years and was surprised to discover that in less than a week she'd forgiven him.

"I'm so sorry," he took his hand away and rubbed his fist across his chest.

"Harry?"

"Yes?" He finally looked up at her.

"That sign you just did… What does it mean?"

"Was I signing? I don't even notice I'm doing it."

Nikki rubbed her fist in a circle on her chest. "What does it mean?"

"Sorry," Harry replied simply "Why do you ask?"

"After Leo calmed down a bit, and looked at the toy I bought him, that's what he did. He looked at me and signed sorry."

"Leo said sorry! Did he do anything else?"

"I told him I didn't understand and then he pointed at the door and did that sign again. I'm sure he wanted me to go and get you."

Harry shook his head. "He pointed at the door and then did this?" Harry demonstrated and Nikki nodded in response.

"What does it mean then?"

"Daddy's sorry" replied Harry with a sigh. "Come on, we can't leave him on his own."


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

"Harry?" Nikki asked later as she handed Harry a glass of wine. He'd put Leo to bed and returned to join her for the evening for once.

"Mmm"

"Why did Leo apologise?"

"Why have you started buying him toys?"

"Answer my question," Nikki demanded.

"What about mine?" Harry retorted.

Nikki was about to reply with 'I asked first,' but she could see that Harry no longer had the energy for the play fights they had had in the past. "I went to the home of a four year old today I'd done a PM on…"

"Oh…"

"There was so much stuff, so much STUFF," Nikki continued.

"You thought Leo was neglected." Harry surmised.

"I think nothing of the kind," Nikki interjected hurriedly. "It was just all the practical stuff, plastic plates and cups and car seats and a stool so he can reach the sink…"

"They're not easy to squeeze into hand luggage." Harry said defensively but more at ease since the conversation started.

"I bought him a second hand car seat. I just wanted him to be safe when we take him to your mother's. She can have it then, he'll need something. It didn't cost the earth."

Harry raised an eyebrow.

"I saw the marble run when I bought the car seat."

"Still can't resist those impulse buys?"

Nikki shook her head and smiled. "It was 99p."

Harry nodded and she thought she saw a look of relief cross his features.

"I like it," Harry said with a smile. "Leo likes it too. Thanks."

"So I answered your question." Nikki said, drawing the conversation back. "If he really was autistic, he wouldn't know to apologise would he?"

Harry shook his head. "I think it's just something he's learned. I don't know that he understands what it means. It doesn't mean anything. It's just something he does."

"But what was he apologising for then? His behaviour or our argument? Why would he think that was his fault?"

"I think Leo always assumes it's his fault," Harry said sadly and walked over to the window and pretended to look at the view.

The question 'why' hovered in the air between them, but Nikki didn't need to ask it. She knew why children always blamed themselves for the problems of the adults around them, just as Harry did. She didn't just know it, she'd lived it and so had he.

"So why did he apologise for you?" she asked after a while.

"Maybe he didn't." Harry admitted, turning and leaning back against the windowsill. "There are no qualifiers, no prepositions, maybe he was saying 'go get Daddy, I'm sorry.' It would be the same in his level of signing.

"You don't believe that."

"I don't want to."

"Because it would prove that he understood how someone else was feeling and make it less likely that he was autistic?"

"And if he's not? He's still got a lot of problems and if it's not autism then what exactly went on to make him like he is?"

"Was he like this before his mum left?"

"Towards the end." Harry nodded. "The nursery couldn't cope with him anymore, so he spent more time at home. Laurie always swore that she never took the stuff around him, but I just don't know what to believe anymore." Harry walked back towards the sofa, stopping midway as a memory caught him. "He skyped me once at work. I was in the middle of a tutorial with a bunch of students but I just knew I had to answer."

"What did he say?"

"He said that mummy was sick and he was frightened."

"What did you do?"

"I phoned Laurie's sister, she went straight over."

"And…"

"Laurie was fine when I got home, she claimed she'd had a migraine. Her sister had done a good job of tidying the place up. I always believed her. Why was I so stupid? I could have spared him all this. Got her help sooner. Got him help. I should have listened to him."

"Were there many incidents like that?"

"Plenty, probably. Maybe the clean up crew always got there first. I just don't know what to believe anymore."

"Why do you remember that one?"

"It was one of the last times I remember Leo talking to me." He turned back to the window, the silence hung in the air between them, thick and impenetrable. And when five minutes had gone, he put down his drink and made for the bedroom.

"What's wrong?" Nikki asked. She watched him turn with a scornful look and glare at her.

"What's wrong?" he spluttered.

"No, not with Leo or with all that happened or might happen. What's wrong here?" she paused, waiting for her words to travel to Harry in the far reaches of the room. "What's wrong with us?"

"Us?" Harry opened his eyes wide and even from the distance she saw flashes of his earlier anger. She watched him exhale, and his shoulders sag. "I..." he hesitated. "I think I've forgotten how to be 'liked'" he said shyly. "I'm not used to it. I don't know how to do it anymore."

Nikki opened her mouth to reply but Harry raised his hand to stop her.

"Be careful Nikki," Harry repeated after a pause. "Please. Let's get the test results back first, eh? Leo might be back in the States in ten days."

Nikki didn't reply. He didn't want to hear the answer that even if Leo was taken back, Harry would need a friend. And if Leo did stay, he couldn't expect his mother to do everything and he'd still need a friend. It was the only time she'd ever been glad that the apocalypse that was Hungary had actually happened. She at least had experience of Harry like this before.

Harry also didn't want to hear anything she might surmise over Leo's paternity either. She just recalled those sorrowful eyes that had met hers as Leo had apologised to her earlier that evening. They were the eyes of the lost little boy she saw when Harry was at his weakest, when he held her as if she were his one lifeline to reality. Now there were two lost boys she had lost her heart to. It was too late to be careful. She knew then that she would do everything in her power to save them both.

"G'night Harry." Nikki said with a wave.

Harry returned the wave. "Thanks for trying and sorry about earlier."

"Do you want me to stop?" Nikki said quietly to his retreating form.

"What?" it was barely a whisper.

"Liking you?"

There was no answer, but Nikki saw Harry shake his head as he walked through the door.

* * *

" **You're being liked." Taken from an early episode. Series 9 Mind and Body.**

 **I am very proud to be the owner of a charity shop, 99p marble run: no marbles and it has given us years of pleasure. (Once we bought the marbles.)**

 **Thanks to everyone reading and reviewing and have a very merry Christmas and a happy new year. D**


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

The phone call came early the next morning. Anne couldn't wait to see her son and grandson; despite having just got back from a cruise with all the work that entailed. So it was all arranged swiftly. Nikki was to take them over in the late afternoon. It didn't take Harry long to pack their few belongings.

"Do you want to take your marble game with you?" Nikki asked Leo, enjoying one of his rare moments of eye contact. "I bought it for you, you can keep it. It's a present." She watched Leo wrinkle his nose and continue to stare at her. In a way, this constant eye contact was even more unnerving than when he refused to look at her. He shook his head.

"Oh, don't you like it?"

Leo shook his head again and pointed to her and then touched his fingertips together. He pointed again and made the hand shaking gesture.

"I'm not sure what you mean Leo. I'm your friend, yes?" She shook hands with herself and Leo nodded to confirm her correct interpretation of his sign. He tilted his head to one side and repeated the fingertip sign and then pointed around him and straight onto the floor in front of him and then back to his fingertips.

Nikki smiled. "You want to keep the marble run here at my house, because I'm your friend and you can play with it when you come back and see me?" She guessed.

Leo returned the smile and nodded, and then as if he suddenly remembered something covered his smile with his hand and looked away.

"You can come back anytime Leo, remember that and tell your Daddy. Anytime. Ok? I'm your friend and I'm Daddy's friend." She punctuated the last words with the signs she knew.

Leo nodded, but now he avoided her gaze. He tapped his chest and pointed at Nikki and then tapped his chin and ran off back to his remaining unpacked cars.

"What was that about?" asked Harry as he entered carrying their bags. It was the first time he'd seen Leo 'talk' directly to Nikki. He looked at her holding the toy tight to her chest.

"He's not taking it?"

"No, he wants to keep it here, to play with when you come visit."

"Does he now? Are you sure?"

Nikki repeated the signs Leo had used. "Nikki, house" and "Nikki, friend." Harry translated. "You did well."

"I'm learning." Nikki admitted. "I don't know this one though, she tapped her chest twice and pointed to Harry."

"I like you." Harry translated again.

She remembered the tap to the chin Leo had finished with.

"Thank you," said Harry. The air in the room suddenly got heavy and it was Harry's turn to drop his gaze to the floor just as his son had done earlier.

"You'll get him back, Harry. Just be patient."

"He's not been taken yet."

"Don't!" insisted Nikki. "It won't come to that I'm sure of it. And anyway, that's not what I was talking about and you know it."

"You won't give up will you?" Harry asked with amazement. "How do you have the strength to fight like this all the time?"

Nikki shrugged, "just another crusade?" she muttered to herself. "Does Leo like ice cream?" Nikki asked to steer them away from dangerous territory.

"Do you know a child that doesn't?"

"I don't meet many children, not many that can still enjoy ice cream. Come on let's go out now. It won't be long before I have to take you over to your mum's.

"Nikki, you've been… you are…"

"It's alright Harry. I know. You're only going to your Mum's it's not like you're crossing the Atlantic again. I'll need to bring you your results in the week anyway. They should be here by Wednesday at the latest. You could bring Leo into town, or I could come to your mother's?"

Harry turned the ghastly white colour that Nikki hadn't seen for a couple of days. "I think perhaps I should open them here. Would that be ok?"

"Fine. I'll call you at your mum's as soon as they arrive. What's the sign for ice cream?" Nikki asked changing the subject again.

Harry mimed eating an ice cream.

"Seriously?"

"It's a very concise language."

"Leo, shall we all go and get ice cream?" She pointed to the front door and repeated the ice cream sign. She watched Leo look to his father for affirmation, watched Harry nod and then Leo looked back up at Nikki and gave her, her second smile of the morning.

"Come on then, let's go." She said returning the smile, her heart feeling lighter than it had all week, and her soul recharged for the next battle.

* * *

 **With special thanks to Tigpop and Caramelchan for filling my Christmas stocking with lovely reviews for Christmas day. Cheers!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

Nikki opted not to stay for dinner with the Cunninghams. Having delivered the boys to Anne's, she felt surplus to requirements and fled for the safety of her house. The marble run still sat on the kitchen table where she had left it. She put it out of sight in the spare room and returned to consider her remodelled kitchen. She'd not got the energy to waste a Saturday evening returning the items to their old homes, it was perfectly functional as was. She untied the handles of the cupboard that was tied shut, made herself a sandwich and contemplated the silence.

It wasn't as if Leo was a noisy child, the screaming yes; that was loud. The almost incessant brumming. But she hadn't noticed him doing that so much since the afternoon she had put Harry out the front door. She was struck with the stark realisation that the brumming coincided with conversations that Leo did not want to hear. The more heated the conversation the louder he hummed as if he was consciously blocking out the noise. Was he that astute? He was hard to get to know, hard to like but there was no doubt he was impossible not to love. How Harry could think he wasn't his; she just could not fathom, they were so similar in so many ways.

Sunday was worse, the house felt too big, she missed Harry's presence, his silence. He'd not known how to say goodbye when she'd left him yesterday so instead he held out his hand to shake hers as she had done when he first returned.

"Thanks for everything," he'd said. But there was no accompanying kiss as there had been in the old days. She wondered how Harry's mother was coping. Leo did not like change, he had only just begun to settle at her house and now everything had changed again. Nikki suspected that Anne might have a low tolerance for some of Leo's quirkier habits. Hopefully Harry would warn her of some of the obvious ones and avoid triggering a screaming fit. Anne had not insisted that he gave her a hug when they arrived, so maybe she would understand.

She turned on her computer to catch up on emails and found herself twenty minutes later reading medical papers on autism, selective mutism and childhood trauma.

It was time to go out.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

Nikki smiled as her hand wobbled to locate the keyhole with the key. She could feel her date standing close behind her. He'd not turned down her offer of coffee. She hadn't expected him to. She'd done this enough times to know. Not recently; but she knew the signs. She'd met up with Jack earlier but quickly turned her attention to a fair haired man at the bar and here she was, light headed, excited and nervous in equal measure; a relative stranger standing far too close to her for the evening to end with a coffee and a peck on the cheek.

She walked straight to the kitchen without turning around, dumped her jacket over the marble run on the kitchen table before Carl her date noticed it and put the kettle on. The kettle hadn't even boiled before he'd placed his arms around her waist, turned her round and kissed her. It may have been a while since she'd brought someone home with her, but she hadn't forgotten how good it felt to lose herself entirely in the moment and drown out the insistent clammering of her mental to do list that dominated her waking hours.

The kettle shut itself off and she broke off the kiss to ask about the coffee. She thought she saw movement out of the corner of her eye, but just as suddenly she closed her eyes and gave herself back to the kiss and released herself into the warmth of the feeling of being desired.

If only she could shake the feeling of being watched.

She opened her eyes and saw Leo, fully dressed, wide eyed and staring at her.

She couldn't help the gasp that escaped her lips and she prayed that Carl would misinterpret the noise as her enjoying his attentions. She opened her eyes wider, pleading silently with Leo to go back to bed.

Leo?

Her alcohol filled brain suddenly registered what she was seeing. She'd put that marble toy away when they'd left, it was back out and so was Leo, which also meant that Harry was probably fast asleep in the next room.

"You alright?" Carl asked into her neck.

Nikki pointed to the door and flicked her finger away, but Leo didn't budge. Just stared harder and tipped his head to one side. Carl turned his head.

"What the f…?" Nikki clamped her hand over his mouth before he could finish the expletive.

He stepped away from Nikki as quickly as if she'd just announced she had ebola.

"You said, you didn't…"

"He's not mine, a friend of mine was staying with me. I thought they'd left but they're obviously back."

Carl looked panicked. "I didn't, I wasn't, I just…" he began, his body language completing the sentence filled with horror at the complications of a small child in his date's life.

"Leo, you should go back to bed, it's very late," Nikki said calmly.

Leo shook his head and crossed his arms and started rhythmically knocking his body into the doorframe.

"Leo, please. Why aren't you at Grandma's?"

Nikki immediately wished she hadn't asked. Leo's hands flew around with vehement gestures, none of which she understood. There was a lot of head shaking and the one sign she recognised as 'no' repeated, and the build-up of anger in Leo that usually predicated one of his screaming fits.

"It's ok Leo, I'm glad you're back," she said to pacify him, and received a grunt of disapproval from behind.

"That kid's a freak, can't you just shut him in his room?"

Nikki turned on Carl. "That kid is not a freak and he can hear you, how dare you?"

"That's it, I'm done here!" Carl said. "This wasn't what I signed up for, don't bother to call." He marched towards the doorway but stopped a couple of feet from Leo and stared at him.

"I need to get passed," Carl growled.

Leo continued to slam his body against the doorpost making it impossible for Carl to exit.

"Will you stop doing that?" Carl raised his voice.

Nikki saw Leo's fingers go to his ears and knew what was coming next.

Carl took a step back at the ear splitting noise and swore. Within seconds Harry appeared on the far side of the doorway. He looked at Leo, across to Nikki, over to Carl and back to Leo again.

"Oh shit!" he exclaimed.

"Leo, the man's leaving now, come away from the door." Harry shouted. Leo couldn't hear any of what was going on, so despite the consequences Harry just reached forward and grabbed Leo out of the way and into his arms.

"You are leaving?!" It was hardly a question the way Harry stated it. All remnants of any relaxed feeling Nikki had had vanished.

Carl stomped through the doorway shaking his head. He turned at the front door. "You have problems!" he pronounced accentuating his statement with a pointed finger. "Next time you go out, try a bit of truth." He slammed the door behind him.

"He's gone Leo, sh now!" For once Leo seemed to calm down quickly. Harry put him down and answered the question that Leo signed to him. "Come on, I'll put you back to bed."

Nikki was left staring as they left.

She wasn't entirely sure what had happened. Carl was not the man she'd thought he was, that was for sure. But had Harry just kicked him out? Or was it Leo. What right had they? She walked back into the kitchen and pulled out the scotch. Carl was right about one thing. She had problems.


	19. Chapter 19

**Well you all knew the show down was coming... Thanks so much for the reviews and comments. You always make me smile.**

* * *

 **Chapter 19**

"I'm sorry," Harry said nervously as he joined her at the kitchen table. She offered him the bottle but Harry shook his head.

"It didn't work out at your mother's?" Nikki raised an eyebrow.

Harry ran his hand through his hair and slumped down further into his chair. "Mum, just has certain ways of doing things, expectations and ideas and…" Harry stopped. "You know," he suddenly began; sitting up and more animated than Nikki had seen him for a while. "Sometimes I can believe that Leo is normal and everything is going to be alright and then just when I think he's settling down, we're back to square one."

"Harry, no child likes change and Leo has had a lot to deal with. He tried to tell me what happened. I didn't understand."

"My mum took his cars off the table at dinner. He just lost it entirely. I've never seen him as bad as he was this evening. I couldn't do anything with him. In the end I just strapped him in the car and drove around and around in the hope that he would fall asleep. He kept signing 'home' and when I got fed up of explaining that we couldn't ever go home again. I drove him here and he finally calmed down. We let ourselves back in. He was exhausted. I was exhausted. We just fell straight into bed in our clothes. I'm sorry I should have let you know. I didn't think you'd be out." He paused.

"I didn't think you'd bring someone back." Harry's eyes looked accusingly at her. "I thought you might have got past all that."

Nikki sucked in a breath. "You have no right to pass judgement on me!" she exploded.

"How could you do it?"

"I didn't even know you were here!"

"He was a prick!" Harry retorted.

"You threw him out!"

"I did nothing of the sort. He was already leaving!"

"What is the matter with you Harry? I'm not good enough for you, but I'm not good enough for anyone else? How little do you think of me?" She could feel the alcohol making her bold again. Loosening her tongue.

"How can you say that?" Harry asked nonplussed.

"How can you even think you can give an opinion on my life? You left Harry. I moved on."

"But now I'm back."

"You're not back Harry. You're here but you're not really here. It's not like it was before."

"You can't have it both ways Nikki. You say you've moved on and then you say you want it to be like it was before. That's impossible now."

"I don't want it to be like it was before."

"But…" prompted Harry.

"What did we even have before?" Nikki asked.

"We were friends," Harry stated. Nikki rolled her eyes.

"We were friends with…" Harry began.

"Don't say benefits." Nikki interrupted. "I thought hard about that when you left and I'm not sure I found any benefits. We were exclusive friends with disadvantages, not benefits!"

"So how come you were happy to kiss me every year at the Christmas party? What was that about?"

"You started that Harry. Along with your ridiculous proposal that we should never sleep together if one or other of us was drunk."

"It wouldn't have been fair," Harry summarised, standing his old ground.

"But you shagged pretty much everyone else around without any qualms. What the hell was wrong with me?"

"Nothing was wrong with you Nikki, when we had opportunity one or other of us and usually both of us were always drunk," he tried to catch her gaze but she stood up from the table and leaned over the sink.

"I sometimes think you loved him more than me." She said to the taps.

"Huh?"

"It was all for Leo," she turned and stared at Harry, he'd not seen it for a while but he recognised the look on her face. The one where all the pieces of the case had finally fallen into place when she'd just solved that one last critical clue. Only this time he had the unnerving suspicion that he was the 'case' and since he got back he'd realised he'd lost his ability to know what she was thinking.

"You did it for him!" she stated evenly.

"I did what?"

"The Christmas kisses!"

"Nikki, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." She walked around the table and up into his personal space. She could feel him contract into the chair but there was nowhere for him to hide. She lent her face in close to his, aware of his fear and kissed him roughly on the mouth.


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

Harry pushed her away. "Get off! Stop!"

"See you don't like it now," she taunted.

"Nikki! You taste of booze and that Shit who was here earlier. Will you please tell me what is going on?"

"All the times you flirted with me back then, the hugs, kisses, the nose flicks, the pokes, anything physical, you only ever did it when Leo was watching. Were you trying to make him jealous?"

"Jea..." but Harry had no chance to continue.

"You always made sure he could see, if it was just us; I might have got a quick hug but nothing more. Maybe a joke to make me laugh. Anything intimate only ever happened when Leo was there to watch. I remember now, you even said that first Christmas 'let's cheer Leo up,' that's when you kissed me and it became a tradition every year afterwards."

"Nikki!"

"It's true! That's how it started. You can't deny that!" Harry shook his head. She was right. He couldn't

"But what I don't understand yet is why you didn't make your move when he left Janet? If it had all been about impressing Leo… Is that why you left? Without Janet he was available?"

"Nikki STOP! I was not in love with Leo."

"Liar!"

Harry paused and bit his lip. "Of course I loved him Nikki, we both did but I didn't want him as a lover,"

"You left - so I'd be free for Leo?"

"NO!"

Nikki screwed up her eyes and gave Harry a hard stare. He could almost see the neurons firing in her head. "So what was it then? Some kind of alpha male thing? He got promoted over you when Sam Ryan left and you made sure he knew that you were still nipping at his heels by assuming mating rights with the rest of the herd? He was just the figurehead. You had the control and so by flirting with me you flaunted your virility and power in his face! And all those arguments you had were just because it was rutting season and you had to win each year to keep face and your dominance of the harem."

"It wasn't like that Nikki."

"Are you sure? Why did we only ever kiss at Leo's Christmas parties?"

"Nikki there were plenty of other times when Leo wasn't around that we kissed."

"Nuh-uh," she shook her head. "Not initiated by you."

"But that was all in the past Nikki, what has it got to do with now?"

But Nikki wasn't finished. She was still surveying all the evidence as if there were pictures and theories displayed across the kitchen cabinets. "There's still a piece missing."

"But how is it going to help?"

"You, me and Leo, the unholy trinity. You were always trying to impress him. You needed his approval, craved it even. Were you subconsciously substituting him for your absent father?"

Harry stared open mouthed at her. She'd had plenty to drink but she wasn't sounding drunk.

"Probably… weren't you?" he muttered with a sigh. Anything to get her to stop.

"So what was I?" she continued.

Harry stared at her. The silence lay like a thick blanket of snow.

"You were my best friend." He stopped and looked up at her, but his conclusion was obviously not satisfactory from the look on Nikki's face.

"You were my only friend. Everyone I ever loved Nikki, died or left me. I couldn't risk…" Nikki interrupted again.

"So you left me before I had a chance to leave you!" She sucked in a breath. "Nice," she added sarcastically.

It was Harry's turn to walk away from her now. She'd made it so black and white, so simple. But there wasn't one reason he left. It wasn't like that. His brain was rusty from this kind of mental battle. The Americans generally didn't go in for debating style arguments, and there was no debating in his arguments with Laurie or her family, they were just arguments of the plain value brand variety.

"I was offered a brilliant job opportunity Nikki and I took it. Hindsight is a great thing and there are things I would change if I could go back in time and do it all again. But I can't. I'm not good at relationships Nikki, I now have a failed marriage to tuck under my belt as if I needed more proof." He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. "I was never good enough for you and I knew that then. Maybe I did run away. Maybe my brain's as messed up as Leo's. Maybe I'm incapable of understanding other people or maintaining a relationship."

"Bullshit," Nikki spat.

"Which bit?" Harry countered. His brain finally catching up speed.

"All of it!" she exploded. "Neither your or Leo's brains are messed up. Or are you planning on using that as evidence to prove he's yours?"

Harry just shook his head.

Nikki thought about reeling off the information she learned about the genetic and non-genetic components of autistic spectrum disorders and the higher prevalence in families with other mental health issues but even she could feel the fight go out of her. It was late. She suddenly felt exhaustedly tired.

They stood on either side of the kitchen, both defeated not by the other's arguments but by their circumstances. Nikki made to leave.

"Harry, I know it's different now between us. But I know this. No one cares for, understands and loves Leo more than you do. You have done everything in your power to keep him safe, to keep him happy and to keep him with you so don't tell me you're no good at relationships and expect me to believe it."

Harry immediately picked up on the new dynamic in Nikki's tone, her voice low, serious. It was beyond the superficial pleasantries.

"I'm sorry." He said reaching out and catching her hand as she passed him.

"That's where this conversation started." She replied. And most of the previous ones she noted.

"For..." he squeezed her hand and looked into her eyes, hoping that she understood all that he was sorry for.

She rubbed her thumb across the back of his hand; she remembered something that had puzzled her earlier. "Before he went back to bed, Leo asked you a question; what was it?"

Harry shook his head.

"You answered 'no.' What did he ask?" Harry let go of her hand and put his hands on his own arms as if hugging himself. "You don't want to know."

"Harry?"

Harry sighed. "He asked if you took bad medicine like Mommy?" Nikki felt the blood drain from her face and tears sting her eyes.

"Oh, Harry." She cried. "I'm sorry, I'm…" she sighed too, defeated by the enormity of the issues. She thought back to earlier when she'd felt Leo's eyes staring at her when he'd discovered her with Carl. Is that what he was looking for? Signs that she was like his mother? What had she done? Some part of her wished Harry would just pull her towards him and hug her as he had in the past. But not now. Not after she'd kissed him like that. She grabbed the doorpost as a wave of nausea hit her and staggered out towards the bathroom.

'It won't happen again,' she promised herself.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

Nikki's phone went at 3am on Tuesday morning, she struggled out of bed and decided that a strong coffee was needed before she could face a crime scene. Her hangover the day before had been dreadful, and she'd not managed to eat much. It may have just been a coincidence or perhaps he remembered, but Harry had made soup and bought some nice bread for dinner, it was about all her stomach could cope with.

She flicked on the kitchen light and was surprised to find Harry sat at the kitchen table.

"Sorry I couldn't sleep," Harry murmured.

"Why were you sat in the dark?" Nikki asked.

"Sometimes I doze off…"

"In a kitchen chair?"

"It's peaceful. I told you I don't sleep much. You off to a scene?"

Nikki nodded as she attended to the kettle and found her travel mug. "Do you miss it?"

"What the 3am callouts? Some snippy up his own arse DI telling you how to do your job?" Harry paused. "Of course I do," he continued and she could detect no hint of sarcasm.

"Do you want a coffee?"

Harry shook his head.

"What will you do?" she asked.

"I looked up about medical writing jobs – I'm way over qualified, but it'll be easy money and I could work from home."

"It's a good idea Harry."

"I know."

She leant back on the counter

"Why can't you sleep? Is Leo still stealing all the space? Do you need extra blankets?"

"The bed's fine Nikki, that's not what keeps me awake."

Nikki just sipped her coffee.

"Leo would still have his mother if it weren't for me," Harry spat out into the silence. "I should never have forced her, she'd have taken more care if she wasn't so angry."

"What are you talking about Harry?"

At the sound of his name, Harry snapped his head up and realised afresh that he was actually talking to Nikki and not just endlessly playing the scene through in his head. Or maybe she thought, he sat here on other nights 'talking' to her as she lay asleep in her bedroom.

"You said Laurie went back to her parents."

"She did. She was determined to come back for Leo, but her parents managed to convince her to take a week's vacation. They had family friends way out in upstate New York, well off the beaten track and they assumed out of partying range."

"So what did happen to Laurie?" Nikki asked, she'd never been told but she'd just assumed the obvious overdose or bad company had caused her demise.

"She insisted on driving herself, the accident investigators couldn't really work out what happened exactly, but she was blind-sided by one of those massive American trucks. She died instantly."

"It was an RTA?"

Harry nodded.

"Then why did the family feel they needed to cover it up?"

"I never told you that…" Harry caught her eye, and realised that Nikki had done her own digging.

"Not just an RTA."

Nikki paused and surveyed the exhausted man at her table. "Her tox screen wasn't clean then?"

Harry shook his head. "Colourful," he explained.

"Oh,"

"I wish I could have helped her, I thought she might try, for Leo at least, even if not for me. Why couldn't she even try?" Harry had raised his voice louder and Nikki had noticed that the coffee in her travel mug was empty. Her phone rang again.

"I'm just leaving." She didn't catch Harry's eye again, just switched off the light and left him in the dark.

* * *

 **I know it's a bit gloomy but the sun does shine eventually. Stick with me a bit longer.**


	22. Chapter 22

**Happy New Year to you all! Thanks for reading.**

* * *

 **September**

 **Two weeks after Harry's arrival**

 **Chapter 22**

"Is that them?" Jack asked picking up his coat from his chair.

Nikki put down the envelope, nodded and looked up at Jack.

"Are you going to take them home with you tonight?"

"What do you mean?" Nikki asked.

"They've been sat on your desk since yesterday. I just wondered when you thought you might take them home?"

"Jack!"

"What? - Put the man out of his misery and get him out of your hair!" Jack insisted.

"Why does this bother you so much?"

"You have to take those results home. You can't keep him waiting any longer. It's not right." Jack paused and stared at her. "Have you already looked at them? Is that why you're not taking them?"

Nikki's eyes flashed with anger. "No I have not!"

"Did you get them sent by email before the hard copy came?" Jack pressed on.

"No!"

"So take them home and let him read them!" Jack insisted. "And don't give me some guff about being ready. Just get on with it! Why is he still with you anyway? I thought you said he was going to live with his mother?"

"He tried. It didn't work out."

"What do you mean tried? For how long? Twenty minutes?"

"Jack just leave it ok? Leo can be a very difficult child, he's been through a lot. He seems settled at mine."

"Is that why you're not taking the results home? It might end this game of happy families that you think you're playing."

"Jack, I am not playing happy families."

"You could have fooled me." Jack muttered under his breath, flicked his coat over his shoulder and loped out of the office.

Nikki slipped the envelope into her bag. Leo had been relatively peaceful since his return from Anne's. She was glad, Harry was enough to deal with on his own. There had been a couple of occasions when she'd been sure she had felt Harry watching her as he had all those years ago: but when she turned round he'd been looking at his phone.

She knew exactly when Leo was watching her, he'd done it more since that Sunday night and every time she could feel his questioning gaze mingled with disappointment. He really did take after his namesake in so many ways.

She wasn't sure how the results would affect them. Good or bad, things would change and she wasn't entirely sure she wanted them to. It wasn't – HAPPY- families; Jack was wrong about that but it was the closest thing to a family that Nikki had experienced in a very long time.


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

Nikki could feel the blood pulsing in her throat and her heart thumping in her chest as she pushed open the door to her house. She could hear noises coming from the living room but it took her a moment to realise it was the sound of Harry chuckling. What she saw almost made her laugh too, despite the oppressiveness of the envelope weighing her bag down.

Leo was playing what could only be described as 'hairdressers.' This seemed to involve Harry sitting on the floor whilst Leo perched on the sofa and 'styled' Harry's hair into a number of unflattering pony tails, with a plethora of sparkly hair clips and the rest of his hair combed to stick out at angles she'd not seen since the all-nighters they used to pull.

"Are those my hair clips?" she laughed, causing both males to look up.

"We haven't been into your room," Harry stuttered guiltily; both had turned the ghastly grey colour she detested.

"It's fine," Nikki assured them. "I know I left them out. Would you like me to find you some nail polish to do Daddy's nails?" she asked Leo.

Leo regained some of his colour but shook his head and tried to pull out the pony tails, only causing Harry to gasp in pain.

"It's alright Leo, I'm glad you're having fun. I've not seen your Dad smile for a while. I'm sorry I interrupted." She suddenly felt excluded by them. A stranger in her own house. "I'll just go and sort out some food." She dashed to the sanctuary of the kitchen and couldn't shake the feeling that she'd done something wrong, like interrupting lovers. The magic of their moment spoilt.

There was so much of Harry she didn't recognise from before, in some ways he seemed much softer but none of that was directed towards her. She thought after a couple of days the distance between them would melt but it was as if there was a barricade between them that stopped any meaningful communication. And the late night talks didn't count; she wasn't even sure if Harry was ever fully awake. They were never mentioned later. It was as isolating as Leo's refusal to talk.

They had shaken hands awkwardly twice and Harry had touched her hand twice in all the time he'd been back, once accusingly and once apologetically. It was nothing like before.

She wrapped a couple of large potatoes in kitchen paper and shoved them in the microwave. She realised she'd still got her bag slung over her shoulder. She took out the envelope and put it on the table. Then picked it up and placed it behind the kettle, and then on the wine rack. She turned the potatoes over and put the envelope back in her bag.

"You alright in here?" she heard Harry say.

She nodded without turning around and brushed her sleeve across her face.

"I liked the hair style," she said with forced brightness.

"I didn't want him to stop touching me," Harry said distractedly, looking around the kitchen.

"Leo's still cuddly with you," Nikki scoffed.

Harry wrinkled his nose. "Sometimes I think he's just hiding."

Nikki didn't know how to respond.

"That's them isn't it?" Harry stated, nodding in the direction of her bag.

"Mm hmm," Nikki agreed and met his gaze. The two stood immobile until the ping of the microwave shattered the silence.

"I'll open them after I've put him to bed," Harry said as Leo walked into the kitchen and began to line up his cars in front of what had become his place at the table.

"I liked your hair styling," Nikki said to Leo. He didn't look up from his cars, but the slight twitch of his head made it clear he had heard her. "Would you like to style mine one day?" she asked.

She watched for any sign of recognition or answer but Leo was seemingly too busy making finite adjustments to the line of cars and rocking so she returned her attention to the dinner. Leo had never touched her, not even by accident. He'd not screamed for a while; maybe that was progress. She put down a bowl of grated cheese on the table, careful not to upset Leo's cars and caught Harry staring at his son.

They would know for sure in a matter of hours.

But where would it leave them?

There were just so many questions to be answered however the results came out. If Harry's wife had been telling the truth about Leo, how many other times had Harry mistaken her truths for lies? But then post-mortem tox reports rarely lied. She shivered and placed the salad bowl down and pointed at the three large pieces of avocado that she'd placed on the top for Leo. She saw him tap his chin, his way of saying 'thank you.' For all his problems she had to admit, he was one of the more polite two and a half year old's she'd met and he definitely knew how to enjoy good food.


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

Harry took ages to settle Leo, as if the child knew that once his father left the room that night, things would change forever. Harry read and reread the same three library books over again and laid on the bed until Leo was at least still. Harry wished he could just lay there and fall asleep and ignore the rest of the world, but he knew it was impossible.

Leo started moving again.

"Go to sleep, Leo," Harry said wearily. Leo's hands continued to move, bumping his fists together. Harry opened his eyes and watched and realised from the raised index fingers that Leo was signing to him.

"Something special?" Harry translated. "No you can't watch Something Special now. It's bedtime Leo. It's time to sleep. You can watch more tomorrow."

Leo shook his head, it was hard to understand him lying down so Harry sat up. Leo pointed at Harry and repeated his signs.

"Oh," said Harry finally cottoning on. "You think I'm something special." Leo nodded and grinned.

Harry kissed his son's forehead. "Thank you. You're something special too!" he replied speaking and signing.

But Leo hadn't finished, he pointed towards the door.

"Come on Leo, it's really late. You're not getting up again, you've brushed your teeth and you've got your bedtime nappy on. It's time to go to sleep."

Leo wouldn't be pacified but pointed to the door again and repeated his something special sign.

"I told you, we'll watch it tomorrow!" Harry was beginning to lose patience but then so was Leo and his agitation was mounting. Harry really didn't want another melt down from him. Not tonight.

Leo pointed at himself, then Harry and then at the door and repeated his special sign.

"You think Nikki's something special?"

Leo grinned and nodded.

"I think you're right, Leo. Now go to sleep." Harry leant over and kissed him again, noting that finally he seemed peaceful enough to go to sleep and quietly left the room.

The results were still on the kitchen table in their envelope. Nikki had disappeared, he was vaguely aware of the noise of the shower running. He'd said initially that he'd wanted her with him when he opened them. But now he wasn't so sure. Leo's confession had only heightened Harry's anxiety about having to send him back to his grandparents. He opened the envelope and pulled out the contents.

He held the paper in his hand and half staggered, half fell into a kitchen chair.

* * *

 **I'll not leave you here for long. I promise.**

 **Something Special is a CBeebies programme where Justin Fletcher and his alter ego Mr Tumble do silly stuff to help develop language and communication skills in children with learning difficulties. It's where I learned a lot of my sign language and Makaton. Easy to search for if you've never heard of it.**


	25. Chapter 25

**Happy Series 19 everyone, and apologies especially to Hushedgreylily for leaving you in the lurch so long… Did you really think I could be THAT mean?**

* * *

 **Chapter 25**

"Are you staying there all night?" Nikki asked. Harry wasn't sure how long he'd been sat, just staring at the paper. He looked up as he heard her voice, noticed that she was already dressed for bed and suddenly snapped out of his trance.

"He's mine!" Harry stuttered.

"I never doubted it." Nikki smiled but Harry could read the anxiety behind her eyes. For all her bravado she'd not been 100% sure. "Congratulations," she added.

"I…" Harry began, getting to his feet but being unable to find the right words to say. Nikki studied his expression and for one brief moment she thought he was going to walk towards her and sweep her into his arms. "Thanks for doing this for us," he said awkwardly, flapping his arms uselessly at his sides.

"You're welcome," she replied.

"I guess you can celebrate too."

"What?" asked Nikki; confused. "I'm really happy for you Harry. Leo's a great kid. I've got really fond of him."

"Do you know what he said tonight?" Harry asked. Nikki cocked her head to one side listening.

"He said you were something special." Harry showed her the signs.

Nikki felt her cheeks go red, he was such a difficult boy to get to know, she was genuinely touched by his words.

"So yes, you can celebrate too." Harry blustered on. "Now I know where we are, I can get onto the council or housing charities or get at my pension and try and find us a place to live. Finally get out of your hair. You know. You've been more than kind to us. You've been…"

Harry stopped, noting Nikki's horrified face. She snapped back to her professional one a second later but not before Harry had seen.

"Yes, of course." She faltered. "But don't feel you have to rush. You're welcome here as long as you want. You know that right?"

Harry looked at his hands, realising that yet again he had got everything wrong. Said exactly the wrong thing at exactly the most inappropriate time. He took a step towards her, his feet moving of their own accord, then stopped.

He'd tried so hard to keep his distance since returning but he'd miscalculated just how hard it would be, how much he relied on the woman in front of him. Leo was right, she was something special. She'd provided the vital piece of information that would make sense of the rest of his life and he was so relieved and so grateful to her, he had to show her.

He had to hold her.

But the warring part of his brain screamed at him to keep away. Anything good, any woman he cared for was doomed. His relationships were all disasters. He was poisonous. He had to keep as far away from her as possible to avoid destroying her too.

He caught her questioning gaze, saw her strength, her passion and the determination that had pulled him back from the brink after previous tragedies. But just as clearly, after the shock of what he'd said tonight, he saw her vulnerability too and unable to resist any longer he pulled her towards him and brushed her cheek with his. He held her tightly for the first time in years. She was just as he remembered, same smell, same shape, same soft hair. He felt his chest heave, but he willed the tears not to come.

"Thank you, thank you," he murmured into her shoulder. He felt a quiet calmness soothe through his body but then his heart twisted in fear and the panic was back.

"I'm sorry Nikki, I didn't mean for this to happen, you should steer clear. I'm toxic, lethal. I'm no good." He rested his forehead on hers.

Nikki pulled away so she could look into his eyes and stared at him until Harry finally raised his eyes to hers.

"You're not toxic Harry." She saw him drop his eyes to the floor again. "Look at me," she commanded. Harry did as he was told. "Harry, listen. I know you. I've known you a long time and look. I'm still here. We're still… whatever we are? Maybe I'm poisonous too, maybe we counteract each other. Maybe I'm immune? Maybe together we make something better; like bee venom for cancer treatments. Look it doesn't matter. I'm really glad Leo is yours Harry and I know that you want to get on with the rest of your life but don't think that you have to do it alone. Ok?"

"I don't deserve you." He mumbled reluctantly releasing his grip on her.

Harry was looking back at the floor, so Nikki walked away. She'd forgotten how exhausting Harry could be. How stubbornly he refused to ever take things further with her. For someone so apparently self-assured and confident he needed a lot of behind the scenes scaffolding. The supporting role was hard graft and the rewards so far had been rubbish.

"I've enjoyed having you here. Don't rush away and don't be a stranger." She said over her shoulder, she left the light on this time as she left her kitchen. She heard Harry tuck in the chair and then in a quiet voice she heard.

"Leo wasn't there the first time." She stopped in her tracks but didn't turn. She had no idea where Harry's mind had travelled to now. Was he talking about Leo or Leo?

"The first time I kissed you." Harry said even quieter than before. "Before I made it all go wrong."

Nikki swallowed, her mouth was dry. What did he mean by that? Did he want her to turn round and throw herself back into his arms? He'd pushed her away when she had kissed him after their surprise return from his mother's; yelled at her to get away from him. And even tonight he'd tried to keep her at arm's length.

The first time? Was he still thinking over her half-drunk speech where she'd accused him of flirting with her only for Leo Dalton's benefit? Her mind chased back to a pub and a conference a lifetime before. He was right. Leo hadn't been there.

As always she had no idea of what he actually wanted. It had always been the one part of him she could never read. All the usual indicators demonstrated that he was interested in her, and there was no shortage of passion if she remembered those Christmas kisses accurately but it never went further and if she ever pushed the boundaries, then he backed away. Overriding all of this internal wrangling was his statement that he intended to move out as soon as possible. It was all too much. She couldn't think anymore. She opened her mouth not knowing what to say but the moment was taken from her.

The silence was shattered by a terrifying scream from Harry's room.

"Nightmare," explained Harry, as he dashed past her. "Don't worry. Daddy's coming, Leo."

Nikki closed her mouth, switched off the kitchen light and walked back to her room and scrubbed the tears away with the heel of her hand.


	26. Chapter 26

**Mid September**

 **Chapter 26**

"So what's the Big Daddy's master plan?"

Nikki realised that Jack hadn't grilled her for a while, it had been a week since they'd got the results. He was just looking out for her.

"He's looking to do some medical writing, something he could do from home, or fit in around Leo."

"Hasn't he got him signed up for nursery yet? Didn't term start a couple of weeks ago? I mean I know you love your kids, but surely you can love them more when they're not in your face 24-7?"

Nikki didn't need to answer that one. The withering look from Clarissa was enough to silence Jack temporarily. Nikki wouldn't put it past Clarissa to purposely roll over one of his feet. There were certain times it seemed when her driving skills seemed more confrontational than others.

"Has he looked at Montessori?"

"Bless you," replied Jack

"Montessori!" corrected Clarissa.

"Monty what?" joined in Nikki with a conspiratorial grin at Jack, she occasionally felt bad when both women ganged up on him.

"Montessori, it's an education philosophy or style. They run lots of nurseries, the children decide on their own activities. It's highly structured in a non-structured way."

"I think I'll just go and check on Mr Hughes…" Jack said backing away.

"He'll still be dead," laughed Nikki but not begrudging Jack's need to disappear.

"It just sounds," continued Clarissa; "that this Leo is rather individual. He'd probably do better in a Montessori setting than a regular nursery."

"Individual is a good way to describe him," Nikki replied. "He ticks so many of the boxes for an autistic spectrum disorder and then goes and does something so extraordinarily self-aware and conscious of the feelings of those around him, you couldn't possibly describe him as being on the spectrum and it would be good if Harry could have an hour to himself now and then."

"See what's around, and if they have vacancies."

"Thanks Clarissa." Nikki typed in the google search to locate Montessori nurseries in her area but before she could complete the action, Thomas stuck his head around the office door.

"Nikki, a word please."

* * *

 **Larry Page and Sergey Brin co-founded Google, when asked the reason for their success they replied, 'that it was their going to a Montessori school where they learned to be self directed and self starters. They said that Montessori education allowed them to learn to think for themselves and gave them freedom to pursue their own interests.'**


	27. Chapter 27

**October**

 **Chapter 27**

Harry was beginning to feel human again. Not that he had dealt with wife's death but just managing the day to day functions of normal people. He'd finally managed to get some child benefit money, although he was loathe to give them Nikki's address.

He'd discovered that he couldn't apply for council housing as in their eyes he was already 'suitably housed.' Nikki would have to officially evict them and even then the two of them would be placed in a bed and breakfast or a hostel. There was no way he was going to let that happen. He suspected too that the English pension he had and the few savings in sterling that Laurie had not been able to squander would also disqualify him.

And now he had a dilemma, he could insist Leo had a full assessment which would undoubtedly put him on a special needs register and consequently Harry could access child disability living allowance. He could also then apply to a number of housing charities that rehoused disabled children into more suitable homes. But if he did that, the 'labelling' process that he had fought so hard over the last year to avoid would confine and channel his son's prospects in one fixed direction. One Harry suspected that once in was very hard to get out of again.

Why had he had to come back when he did; he asked himself? One more week and he could have gone straight to his mother's and Leo would have had to have learnt to deal with her until they came to some kind of mutual understanding. The relationship between grandmother and grandson was improving. They met every week in a large park near her house. Leo played on the swings if it wasn't too wet or busy, fed the ducks and had a snack in the café. Sometimes Harry joined them, but more recently he'd had half hour to himself but he still hadn't tried taking Leo back to her house.

If he'd had more time they could have been there. He would have had to have seen Nikki to get her to do the DNA test but they wouldn't have been together like this. He shuddered. He'd only buried his wife a matter of months ago and now he'd spent another month or so almost living with Nikki. Try as he had to keep his distance it was impossible and the longer he spent the stronger the memories of the things Nikki and he had done together became and the hazier his time in America became until he could almost imagine it was someone else, or a different life that it all happened in. One look at Leo would bring him starkly back to reality; however much Nikki claimed Leo looked like him; he only ever saw his wife's features when he looked at the boy.

He'd had such a clear plan, when he'd grabbed their bags and run that day. But six weeks later he'd begun to realise its sketchiness.

'Get away. Find Nikki. Get help. Prove Leo is mine.' It really hadn't been any more thought out than that, it was a pure instinct response, limbic system only. No higher cortex functioning at all. If there had been he might have asked himself the question.

'What if I'm still in love with her?'

Harry scratched his head and looked at his son. He was fitting the pieces of the marble run together so that the marbles would fall out of the stack half way up and drop into a plastic bowl beneath. He really loved that toy. Harry's heart sank again.

He should never have come to Nikki's. Asked for her help at the office and gone somewhere else, a hotel anything. They had to leave, sharing a bed with his son was not a long term solution. The sooner they moved out the better before his son fell in love with Nikki too. Although he rather suspected he was too late for that.

'Something special,' Leo signed to Harry.

"That she is." Harry replied. Leo shook his head fiercely and pointed at the TV.

"Oh, you want to watch Something Special!" Leo nodded and Harry switched on the TV and handed his son the remote.


	28. Chapter 28

**Time is passing... Loved the reviews again, thanks**

 **October**

 **Chapter 28**

It was a beautiful crisp autumn day, the sky was clear blue, sun shining and the wind blowing. Unusually Nikki wasn't at work.

"Let's go for a walk," she suggested. "We could catch the leaves," she looked wistfully out of the window. "What do you think Leo? It'll be fun."

Leo hugged himself and shivered.

"It's not cold Leo! We're having a really mild autumn. Maybe it would have been cold at your old house. Where's your coat?"

Harry picked up Leo's light summer jacket.

"Is that all you brought?"

"Nikki I can't aff…"

"Come on Leo, We'll all go to the supermarket and maybe we can find you a thick jumper to wear."

Leo shook his head fiercely, and punched his fist to his right.

"What now?" Nikki asked Harry catching his half smile out of the corner of her eye.

"Little girls wear jumpers, they're like dresses." Harry explained and Leo nodded in agreement.

"Oh, well; how about we go and look at warm clothes in the shop and you can choose something for lunch. And then we could go to the woods and catch leaves." Leo looked towards his father, pleased to see him nod.

"Are you sure you want him to choose lunch?" Harry asked.

"Oh yes." Nikki smiled.

Leo had managed to behave in the busy supermarket and allowed Harry to try three different tops on him. She'd offered to get a coat as well, but Harry suggested maybe that was something he could do with his mother in the week.

She'd backed off slightly as Harry and Leo were 'discussing' the merits of the three different styles of jumper.

"It's such a shame your son's deaf," an elderly lady said loudly to her. Nikki jumped and turned to the woman. "He's so handsome too, what a pity," the woman continued. Nikki was speechless.

"He's not!" she replied indignantly when she regained her power of speech, but the old lady had shuffled on by that time so she didn't have to determine what Nikki's answer had referred to: not being deaf, Nikki's son or handsome.

Nikki watched her go and thought back to Jack's barbed comment about 'happy families.' She'd not been on anymore dates since Harry arrived. Hadn't wanted to. Is this what she wanted? Someone to go to the park with and to have a legitimate excuse to run around catching leaves and just enjoy the sunshine and the moment.

She thought back to the previous years and tried to pinpoint times when she'd felt happy like that. There weren't many. Mostly it was a happiness that something had been done, or solved or achieved. She couldn't think of many times when she'd just been happy.

She felt a tap on her leg and looked down.

Leo was looking up at her his thumb and finger squeezing in front of his face.

"Leo says: those are too small for him!" Harry laughed and Nikki realised she was staring at a rack of babygros, miniature vests and newborn hats."

"Sorry, miles away." Nikki confessed. "Let's go choose some lunch. What do you fancy?"

Leo wiggled his hand in front of him. Nikki looked at Harry. Often she could guess Leo's meaning now, and recognised more of his common signs but she was lost today. She was still shocked that Leo had touched her and that he had also seemed to have inherited his father's sarcastic sense of humour.

Harry copied the sign, and stated: "Fish."

"Fish?"

Leo's eyes were round and smiling up at her.

"Fish?" she said again, making a show of thinking hard. "Oh, you want sushi!" Nikki laughed and she thought Leo might actually jump up and down with excitement.

The sushi had cost more than the clothes, even just the supermarket variety. Nikki didn't mind in the slightest.

"I had fun today, thanks." Nikki said to Harry later that night as they drank a coffee together after Leo had gone to sleep. It was becoming a regular evening ritual for them.

"It was a beautiful day. The autumn colours were one of the best things about New York. I would push Leo's stroller through the park and see how many different colours we could find. He could teach you all the colour signs if you want. He was much braver today, running along in front of us."

"Why did he stop speaking?" Nikki asked.

"I don't know," Harry replied. "I'm sure it has something to do with Laurie though."

"I never asked you about the nursery, how did it go?" Nikki asked eager to change the subject.

"I think it could work, it did seem to fit with Leo's style much more. It was so quiet, the children were so absorbed in what they were doing but Nikki you know we can't carry on like this and there's no point in signing him up to a nursery if we end up living too far away to get there."

"I know," said Nikki sadly. "Any luck on the job front?"

"Oh yes I was going to ask you about that. I've got an interview next Friday morning, only an hour first thing. I was wondering if you'd watch Leo while I went? You usually go in late on a Friday. If not I can take him with me, it won't be a problem. If he's got his cars with him, he can sit still for hours."

"I can have him," Nikki agreed. "Do you think he'll be alright?"

"We have to try. If he can't stay with you, then there's no way he's going to manage nursery. I won't be far, it's only a couple of miles away. I could be back in ten minutes if he kicks off."

"We'll be fine Harry." Nikki smiled remembering Leo's tap on her leg this morning. "He's a changed boy from when you first arrived."

"Hmm," replied Harry, but she wasn't sure if the hmm was agreeing or not.


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29**

"Is something up?" Harry asked. Nikki looked up, surprised. It wasn't like the new Harry to notice. Or not notice her.

"You just seem a bit quiet. Bad case?"

Nikki nodded. It was one of those ghastly ones. Not that many weren't ghastly in her particular line of work, but this one had the trimmings of pure evil.

"Psychopath," Nikki replied. "Clever one, had a wife, a family, good job, life and soul of the party."

"What did he do?"

"You really don't want to know." Harry could tell from the green colour that Nikki had gone, that he actually really didn't want to know.

"How could his wife not know? How can you be that close to someone and not even suspect?"

"I'm not the one to answer that question," Harry admitted.

"Sorry," she apologised. "I wasn't thinking."

"What can I do?" Harry asked.

Nikki looked at him, caught off guard by his interest.

"Tell me the world's not an evil place, that life is fair…"

"I won't lie to you," Harry said sadly. "I've had enough lies to last a lifetime."

"Everything that man did, it was all lies; everything…"

"Have they caught him?"

Nikki nodded.

"And he won't be released any time soon?"

Nikki responded with a shake of the head.

"Then you have to get him out of your head. You've done your bit. I'm sorry it's upset you." he offered and placed his hand on her shoulder.

"Thanks," said Nikki. Grateful that Harry had dropped the topic and appreciating the warmth of his touch. Most of the stories she unravelled made sense in the end, a cause and effect. Not this one. This one was just evil because it could be. She shuddered.

"Coffee?"

"I think I'll go decaff tonight," Nikki replied.

"You all set for tomorrow?"

"I think so. You'll be back by 11. We'll manage. Do you think Leo would play hairstyles with me?"

"Don't push it!" laughed Harry.

Nikki yawned.

"I hope you're able to sleep."

"Me too," Nikki returned but she felt doubtful.

"Not sure I can have both of you waking me up with your nightmares."

"No, you've got an interview tomorrow and you need to look the part." She looked at him closely and thought back to the mental image of the defeated man she'd seen in the conference room the first morning he'd returned. "You look better than you did. I like your glasses, they suit you. Did I ever tell you?" Harry shook his head and smiled. A full smile, with his eyes as well. "You'll do fine tomorrow," she said confidently.

"I think you've probably got the tougher end of the deal." Harry suggested.


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30**

Leo hadn't murmured when Harry told him he was leaving. He just walked to the door and waved goodbye. Nikki couldn't believe her luck. They played with the marble run for a while and then Leo pointed at the TV.

"You can watch TV," Nikki said turning it on. She wasn't sure what channel Leo watched, but he took the remote from her hands and plugged in the numbers he wanted. The signature music to a show indicated that something had just started, she looked at the clock wondering whether this was a coincidence or whether Leo had done it on purpose. Could children his age tell the time? She turned thinking that it would be a good opportunity to wash up the breakfast things, when she noticed Leo signing along to the song. One look at the TV showed the presenter signing back to him. She settled herself on the sofa. She may learn something she thought. "Something Special," announced the presenter and Nikki and Leo both leaned forward together.

"Would you like to do some cooking like Mr Tumble?" Nikki asked when the show finished. Leo looked from the TV to Nikki and back to the TV again.

"Yes, just like Mr Tumble. He made some chocolate cookies. We could make some." Nikki used the sign for cookies. It had been repeated so many times in the short show, even she knew that one now.

Leo signed 'yes.' So they both went to look in the kitchen for the ingredients they would need.

"We'll have to go to the little shop on the corner and get some flour and chocolate chips." Nikki said sadly knowing that Leo wasn't usually keen on going out in a crowd. She was fairly sure she'd had most things, but Harry's remodelling of her kitchen made finding things difficult.

"It wouldn't take long."

Leo signed 'cookies,'

"Yes, Leo we can make cookies, but first we will both have to go to the shop." She watched Leo, saw him thinking. He began to rock himself back and forth but then suddenly stopped and pointed to the door.

"Right then. Let's find our shoes." Nikki said.

Out in the street, Nikki had a sudden sense of panic. Watching Leo in the house was one thing, but to come outside. What if he just ran off? They had to cross the road too. What had she been thinking?

"Leo," began Nikki as calmly as she could. "We're going to have to cross that busy road soon. Look you can see the shop, just a bit further along." She pointed and Leo nodded. "May I take your hand as we cross the road, I would feel safer that way." She explained simply.

Leo stopped still in the middle of the street and thought carefully. After a while he nodded and they walked on together to the crossing point. He reached up and held onto Nikki's outstretched hand. They crossed safely and Nikki breathed a sigh of relief. Leo did not take his hand away as she had expected on the other side and they walked on together. She was so glad she had asked him first. If she had just grabbed him, he could have run off anywhere, even into the road and now here they were hand in hand walking along the street.

Leo enjoyed finding the items in the shop and posting the money in the self-service counter. He took her hand again as soon as they were outside.

"You are being a really good boy today Leo." Nikki praised. "Daddy is going to be very pleased with you."

* * *

 **Yo ho ho, it's all cranking up now... but what's going to happen next? I love to hear your suggestions. :) Thanks for reading.**


	31. Chapter 31

**Ok strap yourselves in! Although I fear you're not going to like it and certainly not Caramelchan who was hoping for a lovely fluffy chat about Leo's hand holding…. Thanks to Hushedgreylily and Caramelchan my lovely loyal reviewers.**

* * *

 **Chapter 31**

Cooking was clearly not a game that Leo had played before. But he enjoyed looking at the numbers on the scale as he weighed out the ingredients and matched them to the numbers in the recipe Nikki had found on her tablet.

The stirring was too hard work, and balanced up high on a dining chair, it did seem a bit precarious, so Nikki did the last bit of mixing until the dough was ready to roll out. She felt bad that she only had circular cookie cutters. But Leo didn't seem bothered about the shape. He was clearly more interested in eating the cookies than what shape they were. He had certainly sampled enough of the chocolate chips before they'd been added to the mixture.

Nikki tipped out a small line of flour onto the work surface and remembered she'd not turned the oven on. She turned her back on Leo for an instant to rectify this. She heard Leo sneeze and then she heard him scream as he had never screamed before.

She hurtled back towards him. There was no sign of blood. He was still stood on the chair, his face now dusted with flour, but he was screaming and screaming with the most terrified look in his eyes that she had ever seen; his hands clawing at his face to remove the flour.

She placed her arms around him to lift him off the chair to safety realising as she did so that she hadn't warned Leo about what she was about to do, so he flung his fists and feet against her, and smacked at the table top, anything within arms-reach. He managed to put his hand down in the flour again spreading it further across the table and then suddenly stopped the screaming and covered his head protectively with his hands.

Nikki put the boy on the floor and watched him rocking in his protective brace position. She had no idea what had happened. Nothing she could see could have caused such a fierce reaction. The child looked scared for his life. He'd been frightened before, she'd seen him after the nightmares but this was a different kind of frightened as if he'd expected her to hurt him. Nikki could feel herself trembling. She sat on the floor of her kitchen as close to Leo as she dared. She didn't say anything. Just sat and watched him.

Her mind ran through all that had happened. There had been nothing to frighten him. It didn't make sense. In a way Nikki preferred the screaming. She'd dealt with that before. But this silence and terror. This was something else.

"Why are you frightened?" Nikki asked. Shaking her open hand over heart to sign frightened.

Leo didn't reply. But then any child might find that question hard to answer.

"What frightened you, Leo?" she asked as calmly as she could.

Those hypnotic eyes of Leo's looked up then, stared into her, looking for reassurance.

"I want to help you Leo. Remember I'm your friend. I won't hurt you Leo." She shook her hands together, 'friend' was the first sign she'd learned.

Leo drew in the flour dust on the floor.

"You can show me Leo. What frightened you?"

Leo continued to make patterns in the flour on the floor and suddenly Nikki's stomach hit the floor as she realised what had happened.

"You sneezed!" she said "and the flour went on your face and on the floor." Leo nodded miserably.

"You thought I was going to hit you!" Nikki could barely get the words out she felt so sick. She fought to suck in a breath not knowing whether to continue.

"Leo, it's happened before hasn't it?" He gave a slight nod.

"Did you sneeze on your Mummy's bad medicine?" Nikki asked, hardly wanting to know the answer but knowing she had to ask. Leo rocked and covered his face, but he nodded his head.

"Was Mummy cross?" Leo didn't reply but increased the speed of his rocking. Nikki felt the tears hovering, and blinked them back.

"Did Mummy hurt Leo?" Leo rocked harder and held out his little finger and shook it. Nikki swallowed. She'd seen that sign, Harry used it.

"Mummy said you were naughty?"

He pointed at himself and waved his pinkie again and repeated it again and again in time with his rocking. 'Leo naughty. Leo naughty. Leo naughty.'

"Stop!" Nikki half shouted. "Leo it was an accident. You sneezed. Mummy shouldn't have been taking her bad medicine. I didn't know you had seen her…"

Leo suddenly stopped rocking and fixed her with a wide eyed stare and put his finger to his lips.

Nikki gaped.

Leo pointed to the flour and tapped his lips again.

"She told you to keep it a secret! She told you not to talk to Daddy about it!" Nikki paused and stared at the lost child in front of her. "She told you not to talk! Oh Leo. You poor boy. You weren't naughty Leo. I'm not cross with you. This is only flour. It's not bad medicine. We needed it for our cookies." Leo began to cry. It was the first noise she'd heard him make other than scream. He was signing something else, she couldn't understand but she didn't need sign language to tell her that there was one very sad little boy sat on her kitchen floor. She couldn't stop herself from crying either. So unable to hug him as she so desperately wanted to, she left him there, quickly rolled out the dough, cut out the cookies, put them on the tray and put the tray in the oven and tidied up as much of the mess as she could. She didn't dare go too close to Leo.

She looked at the clock. Harry would be back soon. How was she going to tell him?


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32**

"Can I smell cookies?" Harry said cheerfully as he let himself into the quiet house. He had half expected to hear Leo's screams from the corner shop.

"We're in here," Nikki called from the kitchen.

Nikki was sat at the table with a cup of tea and a plate of freshly baked cookies and Leo was sat on the floor in a mess of flour and who knew what else. Nikki had fetched him his cars but he hadn't looked at them. He was still rocking and sobbing quietly. His face etched with the tracks of his tears through the flour.

"What?" began Harry.

"Harry, we need to talk." Nikki said.

Harry ignored her and bent down and lifted his son onto his lap, not caring that his suit would need to be dry cleaned. Leo snuggled into Harry's shoulder and finally stopped the rocking. But then sat bolt upright nearly cracking his head into Harry's chin and signed: 'Leo naughty, Leo naughty.'

"What's been going on here?" Harry asked nonplussed.

"We made cookies." Nikki answered.

"I see that." Nikki could hear the anger in his voice, and felt his silent accusation that whatever had happened to Leo had been her fault.

"Leo what happened? Are you hurt? Why are you so upset?" Leo just stayed buried in his chest so he tried Nikki instead.

"What have you done to him?" he thundered. He felt his son shiver and realised in time that his own anger would only terrify his son further.

"Leo, please tell me what happened." He pulled the boy away from him so his hands were free to move. Please tell Daddy."

Leo's hands flew around, Harry translated.

'Mommy sad. Leo naughty. Leo talk. Leo quiet. Leo naughty.'

Harry had no idea what Leo was trying to say and there was no one else who could understand what that sequence of signs actually meant. It was infuriating.

"What I think he's saying…" Nikki spoke quietly.

"How do you know what he's saying? You've only looked after him for one morning and look at the state of him!" barked Harry.

Nikki ignored him and continued. "What he's saying is that; His mummy is sad because Leo has been naughty. Because Leo spoke when Leo was told not to talk. Leo was told to keep a secret. He didn't keep the secret and so he is naughty." Harry stared at Nikki and noticed for the first time how pale she looked and the slight trembling of her mug.

"Leo spoke to you?!"

Nikki shook her head. "We were making cookies, and Leo accidentally sneezed into the small amount of flour I'd tipped out to roll out the dough on. The flour went everywhere, all over him, all over the floor. That's when he started screaming."

"When did he stop?" Harry asked, his eyes still flashing with anger.

"When he covered his head with his hands terrified that I would hurt him."

Harry just continued to stare at Nikki and stroke his son's head.

"Harry, I didn't get cross with him, I didn't hurt him. I lifted him off the chair because I was worried he would fall; other than that I haven't touched him."

"Then why is he in such a state?"

Nikki shakily put down her mug. Harry could never see what was right in front of his nose when he was angry like this. She'd always been the one in the past to slowly connect the dots, looked at the evidence, and pieced it all together whilst he ran round chasing shadows and shouting. He had returned the favour on the occasions she'd lost it too but it had usually been her role. She decided to stick to the evidence at it had been presented.

"Leo, became upset after he sneezed into the cookie flour. He had no reason to react as he did today, I think it reminded him of something that had happened before."

Harry looked up sceptically, "go on," he muttered.

"You can ask him yourself. But I think Leo saw Laurie, I think he must have sneezed once and blown her coke or whatever all over the table. I think she hurt him. I think she told him never to talk about it and he followed her instructions to the letter. Because now he doesn't talk at all."

Harry shook his head and buried it against his son's.

"It's not true. You've misunderstood him. She said she never took it around him. I don't believe it." Harry gabbled. But the strangled sobbing sound Nikki heard next made it clear that as much as he didn't want to believe it, somewhere, some part of what she had said was true and the truth had connected with his gut. She was too shaken herself by what had happened and Harry's earlier anger, to do anything other than flee, she cast about for her bag.

She didn't want to say more. She wanted this whole day to be over. She'd just told Harry she suspected his dead wife of child abuse. The only reason he hadn't laid into her she was sure was because of the adverse effect it would have on Leo. But she wasn't stupid enough to hang about just in case he changed his mind. But she couldn't just walk out on Leo like that.

"I'm really sorry Harry. I hope he's alright. I've got to get to work."

She bent down next to the huddle that was Harry and Leo. "You didn't break your promise to your mummy, Leo. You never told me what happened. I just figured it out. Figuring things out is part of my job. I have to find out what happened to people who don't talk to me. It's something I'm good at. So you weren't naughty. You never broke your promise, Leo. You kept your secret, I guessed it. That's different. It's what I have to do every day. You were a good boy with me this morning. Thank you. I hope you like the cookies when you feel a bit better. See you later."


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33**

"What happened to you?" Jack asked as Nikki swung into her chair and turned on her computer.

"I always come in late on Fridays," Nikki replied evasively.

"That's not what I asked." Jack persisted.

Nikki looked up at Jack, and noticed that Clarissa had manoeuvred herself closer.

"Nikki, you can't come in here looking as if someone just died and expect us not to notice!" Trust Clarissa to go straight to the point.

"Coffee!" demanded Nikki.

Jack returned with a mug and then pulled his chair closer.

"Harry had an interview this morning. I watched Leo for a couple of hours."

"You only had a toddler for two hours and you look like that!" smirked Jack.

"Do you want to know?" Nikki asked.

"Didn't I warn you that, that man was likely to skip off and leave you in charge of his spawn?"

"Jack! It's Harry, I know you don't understand…"

"No, I clearly don't," he interrupted. "You don't trust anybody, and yet you let him move into your house five minutes after he reappeared in your life after a gap of over three years! So no, I don't understand."

"I know what killed his wife," Nikki changed tack. "RTA, DUI,"*

"That's a bit dull." Jack answered.

"It wasn't just driving under the influence she had a problem with."

"No?" Clarissa interjected.

"More of a lifestyle thing…"

"Living under the influence?" Jack suggested.

"More importantly; parenting under the influence,"

Nikki stopped. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe she had jumped to conclusions. Laurie hadn't lied to Harry about the paternity. Ten minutes of kids TV did not make her a sign language expert. She could have got it completely wrong.

"What happened?" Clarissa asked, cutting into her thoughts.

Nikki repeated the story: Harry's explanation of Laurie's drug problem, the flour, the sneeze, the screams, Leo's need to get the flour off his face and his terror when he scattered the remains across the table, the rocking and shielding his body. The way it was impossible for her to calm him down.

"What did Leo say about it?" Jack asked.

"Leo doesn't talk."

"I thought you said he was nearly three…"Clarissa continued.

"Leo chooses not to talk," Nikki clarified. He communicates with Harry in sign language. I've learned a bit. Leo just sat on the floor and repeated 'Leo naughty, Leo naughty,' for what seemed like hours. And I hadn't said that to him. I'd tried to be encouraging." Nikki could feel her speech speeding up, the emotions kicking back in. She wasn't going to tell either of them about Harry's anger when he got back.

"If we saw that as part of a case, a reaction like that? What would we think?" Nikki said, searching for clarity and perspective.

"Some kind of trauma," Jack suggested.

"Did he stop talking before or after his mother died?" Clarissa asked.

"Before."

"Then I would say that that boy has a story he doesn't want to tell, especially not to his father." Clarissa surmised.

"I told Harry that his wife had taken illegal drugs in front of Leo and had physically abused him when he'd accidentally sneezed on her stuff! What if I'm wrong? What if that is not the story?" Nikki cried.

"How did he take it?" asked Jack.

Nikki threw him a withering look. "Not well, what did you expect?"

"The truth's not always easy to hear." Clarissa added and wheeled away.

The coffee had been too hot, she'd scalded her mouth sipping it and now it sat malevolent and heavy in her stomach. She felt sick. The enormity of what she had said only really hit her as she'd explained it to Jack and Clarissa. She had said the most awful things imaginable about Harry's wife! How would he forgive her for saying such things? He'd probably be gone before she even got back. She would lose them both. She ran through what she had seen again and Leo's answers to her questions. He'd not answered all of them, but enough. She searched through her desk for some painkillers and jumped when her phone rang.

"Nikki, it's me," came a familiar voice.

"Hello Harry," Nikki said as levelly as she could.

"You alright?" Harry asked.

"No." she said honestly. "How's Leo?"

"I put him in the bath, he seems much better now. He's eating a cookie."

Nikki felt a smile tug at the corners of her mouth, like a shaft of sunlight through a black cloud. Harry was at least still talking to her for now.

"I'm sorry Harry, I'm sorry for what I said. I…"

"Thanks for watching him, I'm sorry it was traumatic."

"Up until then, we were having a great time, he was really good this morning Harry. He really was."

"Nikki…" Harry tailed off. "I'm sorry for being angry." His voice got even quieter. "Nikki, how many times have you been wrong?" Nikki scoffed inwardly. That was the same old Harry. Even with an apology there was no: I think you might be right. And then she caught herself. His wife had only been dead a matter of months, where was his loyalty supposed to lie?

"A few, Harry. I really wish I am wrong. Just ask Leo. It can't be worse than this morning. Did Laurie ever take him away? Did he have unexplained bruises?" Nikki stopped. Harry didn't need a forensic pathologist. He just needed a friend. "Look Harry, what's happened has happened. But it will never happen again. He will get over it. You can help him. I think this might be what you wanted."

"What I wanted?" Harry spat back the levelness gone from his speech in an instant.

"No, not what you wanted, that's not how I meant it. But what if Leo does have some kind of PTSD? That can manifest in some unusual behaviours. You suggested it yourself ages back. It would account for his nightmares, his need for control and order… and what you fear might be groundless?"

There was silence.

"Harry? Harry are you still there?" Nikki asked.

There was more silence and then a faraway voice asked. "Why did I ever leave?"

* * *

 **Oh I get the feeling I may not be one of your favourite people anymore :(**

 **Let me know if you think this works.**

 **RTA = Road Traffic Accident**

 **DUI = Driving under the influence**

 **PTSD = Post Traumatic Stress Disorder**


	34. Chapter 34

**Thanks again for still talking to me, prizes to TheGreekGods for the funniest review ever… and for my Mum, who has been eagerly awaiting these chapters since the beginning.**

* * *

 **November**

 **Chapter 34**

As soon as Nikki put the phone down that day she realised that that would be the last conversation that they would have on the topic. Harry hadn't liked Laurie's family manipulating the truth or only revealing the parts they wanted others to see. Didn't he realise he was doing exactly the same thing? Just burying it all under the carpet. And so they continued as before, Harry and Leo were still at her house when she returned that evening. But Nikki was aware that the countdown had been started and now it was just a question of when and not if.

Harry's interview had evidently gone well and in the subsequent evenings she often found him working away on the computer. The writing he was doing wasn't particularly interesting, but he threw himself into it, knowing that good work would be well received and boost him into the more interesting topics, or at least to the more interesting clients.

During the day, Leo kept to his normal routine, although with winter drawing on, the trips to the park were becoming less frequent. He had started spending the day at his Grandmother's once a week. Harry often worked upstairs but as Anne had 'given in' as she'd described it and not touched his cars, allowed them on the dining table and not answered any question or action with the single word 'no,' the two of them were beginning to form some kind of truce or alliance.

Leo had not had any more nightmares since the cookie incident. Both Harry and Leo looked better for a decent stretch of sleep. But many of Leo's quirkier habits were still in evidence. No meal was complete without his cars, and all his play was conducted in silence and accompanied by his trademark rocking. Nikki still felt him watching her, but it seemed less accusatory than before. More like one of Leo Dalton's looks when he suspected she was keeping him in the dark about something.

One thing had changed. Leo let Nikki read him stories, she knew his favourites by heart, but he still wanted them again and again. There was always a happy ending. The prince always married the princess, even when he started as a frog and the mouse always outwitted the bigger animals and the Gruffalo. She enjoyed Saturday mornings the most. At first Leo had crept into her room, tucking his toes under the covers at the opposite end of the bed to her, tapping and pointing at the books on his lap. But as the weeks had gone by he had joined her at the head end, 'so he could see the pictures,' he had explained. Or that's what Nikki had guessed from his gestures. He never spoke, just pointed and smiled. Harry had looked in on them once, Nikki thought he'd almost looked as if he'd wanted to join them, but he had scurried away, back to his laptop.

Leo still kept to the far side of the book, close enough to see and lift the flaps in one of his picture books, but not close enough to touch or cuddle up. However when Nikki thought back to the screaming banshee under the conference room table who couldn't even give her eye contact, she remembered again how much the boy had changed.

Occasionally Harry would stop and have a coffee with Nikki in the evening but not as regularly as before. Work had been busy and she'd been kept late in the office, the DI obnoxious and needing everything yesterday and so often days could go passed before they talked. And even then, they hardly really talked. Harry would always make her something to eat when he cooked for himself and Leo, whether she made it home to eat with them or not. Now he was earning, he wouldn't take any money from her for the food. It was another topic they just didn't mention.

"I've seen a flat," Harry said calmly one night, as he placed a mug down on the table for her.

She picked up the mug, concentrating on keeping the liquid level.

"It's not far from the Tube station, about ten minutes from here." Harry continued to cover the silence. "If the work keeps coming in as it is, I can afford it."

Nikki took a sip, squeezing her eyes shut against the steam.

"It's not too far from that Montessori nursery, they have a space and are willing to try a few settling in sessions to see if it will work out. If he starts now he'll be eligible for some free sessions when he turns three. They have a qualified play therapist on staff too…" Harry sighed.

"Say something please!" Harry begged.

"It's what you wanted?" Nikki asked. Harry nodded.

"Then I'm happy for you."

"You said that when I told you about the job in America!" Harry exhaled.

"I was happy for you," Nikki persisted.

"Nikki!" Harry looked into her eyes, and she was struck once again at how similar father and son were. "We aren't what you want, Nikki. You have been more than kind to us, you have helped us when no one else could. We are totally in your debt."

"And you'll repay that by moving out!"

"Yes, of course! It'll be for the best."

"Have you told Leo?" Nikki asked.

"Yes. We talked about some of the things he might want to put in his new room. We're going to have a look at it on Saturday, would you come with us?"

Nikki coughed as coffee went down the wrong way. "Come with you, why?"

"I need to know I'm doing the right thing." Harry insisted.

"You've got this far without me," Nikki retorted huffily.

"The sooner we're gone, the better it'll be for everyone." He claimed.

'Like pulling off a plaster,' Nikki thought. Maybe Harry was right. Ever since he'd been back Harry had kept his distance and since she accused his wife of traumatising Leo, the distance had become greater and the atmosphere cold and frosty. She'd thought when he first returned that with time, the old spark that had always been there between them would come back. But she'd been wrong and her disappointment and Harry's remoteness had left her emotionally exhausted. They couldn't carry on as they were… Maybe it would be for the best…


	35. Chapter 35

**November**

 **Chapter 35**

It had been drizzling for days, the wind had blown all the remaining leaves from the trees and now they clung in soggy clumps to the pavements and roads, like a revolting brown snow or an explosion of dog mess. The flat Harry wanted to show Nikki was definitely the wrong side of the station.

The building had four storeys and more concrete than was necessary. Iron railings had been thrown into the architecture to make, if it were possible, the place uglier. The walkways between flats were ominously tagged in a variety of coloured graffiti.

The lettings agent had wisely decided to wait for them in her car and not on the 3rd floor doorstep.

"Mr Cunningham!" she greeted him warmly, so good to see you again. "And this must be your son you were telling me about." She continued and reached a hand forward towards Leo's face. It was hard to be certain with the wind blowing as it was but Nikki was pretty sure Leo growled at her. She pulled her hand back quickly.

They climbed the stairs and Harry encouraged Leo to look at the view, and pointed out the park they often went to in the distance. Leo pointed at Nikki's car, ducking his head through the railings to observe the path to the steps they had just taken.

Nikki hovered in the hall way, she wasn't sure why she had come. Was Harry looking for her opinion on the flat? She could have told him that when he told her the postcode. Was he expecting her to beg him to stay with her? She didn't want him staying with her. Not like he was. This last month had proved to her that the two of them whatever had happened in the past, just didn't work anymore. She was beginning to think he was right. The sooner he was gone the better. She tried to look encouraging and hopeful until she felt her stomach knot.

Leo. Her house would not be the same without him.

Leo had a quick look at the living space, taken Nikki's hand and showed her his room. It still thrilled her when he reached out and took her hand. The room was painted blue and had a frieze of cars on one wall. Nikki gave Leo a thumbs up sign. "It's a good room Leo, just right for you." She agreed, trying not to notice how tatty the paper looked. Leo began to circle his hands at his sides and ran off to find Harry. Nikki walked back to the doorway, taking one last look in the blue room. There was one tiny window that looked out onto more concrete and more railings. She could hear a gruff voice through the walls of the next door flat. She couldn't make out the words. But she didn't care for the tone.

Leo was still running up and down the hallway, his palms up, circling. "What's he saying?" she called out to Harry.

"Err?" Harry looked. "Where?" he replied. "He's probably looking for the best place to keep his cars.

"I'll be in the car," Nikki responded. "It seems nice, Harry."

She trudged down the steps, her heart sinking with every step. The wind was still blowing and making weird whistling noises as it blustered around the stairwell. She was just approaching her car when she thought she heard her name being called.

Brushing it off, as the wind, she beeped her car unlocked. But this time the sound was unmistakeable. It was her name.

"Nikki!"

"Nikki!"

She looked back up towards the flat and could just make out Leo's head at the railings outside the flat. She watched in astonishment as he opened his mouth.

"Nikki!"

* * *

 **Are those cheers I hear?**


	36. Chapter 36

**Chapter 36**

She'd turned and found herself back up the stairs and outside the flat before she'd known what had happened.

"Leo?" she said tremulously. "You called me?"

Leo flung his hands around violently, he pointed at her, shook his head, signed 'no' and pointed at the flat. Nikki wasn't sure what he was on about although she had a hunch. This was not the time to mistranslate.

"You know I don't understand the signs so well Leo. Do you think you could use words?"

Leo opened his mouth, closed it again and looked at Nikki. He changed his weight from foot to foot and he signed what Nikki now recognised as the 'where' sign very slowly and deliberately. Pointed at Nikki and pointed at the flat.

'He didn't tell you,' Nikki whispered aghast. He had told Leo about the new flat but not mentioned the fact that it was Harry and Leo's flat, not hers. What had Harry been thinking? Leo needed to be told before you clipped and unclipped his car seat for him, or touched him at all. He did not like change. Why had Harry not warned him?

"Leo no like house." Leo said out loud. His voice she noted had an ever so slight transatlantic accent. She tried not to react, to whoop with joy or startle Leo, to just listen to his words and not dance around distracted by the fact that he had spoken.

"Why don't you like the house Leo? We saw your room, it was blue and had a car picture. I thought you liked it."

"Leo no like house," he repeated with feeling. Behind Leo, Nikki noticed Harry put his head out of the doorway. His face a mixture of awe and terror.

"What's wrong with the house Leo?" Nikki asked.

"No room house for Nikki. Where Nikki room? Nikki not Leo's friend now?"

Nikki blinked back her tears and crouched down until she was level with Leo.

"Nikki likes Leo very much. Nikki is Leo's friend." She used her handshake 'friend' sign. "Daddy wanted a house just for Leo and Daddy."

"Nikki not Daddy's friend?" Leo asked, signing and talking together.

"Nikki will always be Daddy's friend. Nikki will always be Leo's friend." She assured him.

"Leo go back Nikki house." Leo said stubbornly and took a step towards her. "Leo like Nikki house. Leo no like this house."

"Can't you take that inside?" growled the voice from the window of the next door flat that Nikki had heard through the walls earlier. She saw Leo's face begin to crumble, saw his arms twitch at his sides. Saw his chest start to hitch in a way she'd not seen since the flour incident in the kitchen.

"But don't you want your own room Leo, there's not really space at my house." Nikki suggested, trying desperately to catch Harry's gaze, to say the right thing, and not undermine his authority. But Harry was just staring at his son, tears streaming down his cheeks. She knew what she thought the right thing should be. Anyone could see that both men in front of her were still lost and far from home.

Leo turned and looked at his father behind him.

Harry quickly scrubbed at his eyes and tried to talk, but his voice came out even more high pitched than Leo's. He tapped his lips and pointed to Leo and then to Nikki. Harry started to sign.

"Daddy says," began Leo translating for his father for once. "Daddy says, he no like this house. Daddy says he sorry." Nikki knew the sign for sorry, Leo wasn't making it up, he really was translating for his father. "Daddy says he's a naughty friend." 'Bad friend' mouthed Harry behind Leo so he couldn't see. And then mouthed 'he's talking!'

"Why is Daddy a naughty friend, Leo?" Nikki asked; Leo turned to his father.

"Daddy makes Nikki sad," Harry replied, finally gaining control of his voice. Leo put his head on one side and looked between the two adults.

"Leo no make Nikki sad." Leo declared proudly.

Harry signed some more, but Leo shook his head at his father.

"Daddy naughty friend," Leo said. "Daddy sorry."

"I think we should probably all go and talk about this somewhere else." Nikki suggested.

Leo tapped his fingertips together. "Home?" There was no question in his mind where home was. Nikki she saw the dark shape of a very tall man hovering at the door of the next flat. She was also aware that Leo had started inventing words for Harry and was no longer translating.

"This won't stay on the market for long Mr Cunningham," the lettings agent interjected. "There are plenty of people who would jump at this flat, I let you have the first look after you told me about your circumstances." She gave Leo an askance look. "If you've changed your mind…"

Harry heaved a sigh. "We can't take it," Harry said decisively. "I'm sorry for wasting your time." The lettings agent closed the door with a bang, locked it and scampered down the stairs before anything else could happen.

"Shall we go?" Nikki asked and held out a hand to Leo. He took it gladly and climbed back down the stairs and let her strap him into his car seat. Harry followed them. He thought back to that first day in the conference room when he had played all his cards to manipulate Nikki into doing what he wanted. Ensuring the outcome he wanted by pushing all of his old colleague's buttons. It had been so easy. He wasn't proud of it, but other than the bad taste it had left in his mouth it had been simple.

Somewhere in the intervening weeks he had lost the upper hand. He looked at his son walking hand in hand with Nikki and wasn't sure which one of them was holding all the good cards now. The only thing stopping him from feeling utterly wretched was the memory of Leo's voice. But now Leo had manipulated them both into getting his way and with the danger passed he would inevitably descend back to his silent world. And they would all end up back at Nikki's. That was not how the story was supposed to end.

Nikki shot him a look as he slumped into the front seat. Harry just shook his head. He hated being powerless, it was his biggest fear, being powerless and out of control.

"Shall we go get coffee or go home?" Nikki asked.

"Home!" shouted Leo from the back, a broad smile on his face. Nikki forced herself to look back at the road. Leo's smiles were as rare as his words. She couldn't read Harry's expression but she could see his knuckles through the tightly clenched fists.

* * *

 **So... suggestions?**


	37. Chapter 37

**Thanks for the great response to the last few chapters, especially to all you guest reviewers. Thanks. Free Leo and Harry hugs to all 100+ reviewers.**

* * *

 **Chapter 37**

They'd only driven round the next corner, when Leo began to speak again.

"Nikki, will you marry me?"

Nikki coughed to cover her laugh.

"What?" gasped Harry stunned, he twisted around to stare at his son.

"How can I already prefer it when he didn't talk?" he hissed under his breath to Nikki. He could see her broad smile out of the corner of his eye.

"End - story. Prince alway marry princess," Leo proclaimed with a slight lisp. "Leo marry Nikki. Live together in castle. Happy ever after."

Harry thought back to his playing card analogy. Leo it seemed had just played the ace of spades.

"Thank you for asking, Leo. It was very kind of you. I think living in a castle with you would be fantastic." Nikki replied. "I'll have to think about it for a bit. Is that ok?"

"Ok," Leo agreed happily.

"Don't you think you're a bit young to get married?" Harry asked Leo.

"You no ask," retorted Leo. Harry paused, decoding the boy's words and not being entirely happy with his interpretation.

"I'm married to your mother!"

"Mommy dead. You said. No more Mommy. Just …" Leo paused and tapped his forehead stuck for the vocabulary.

"We just have our Mommy memories," Harry prompted and stared out of the side window and twisted the wedding ring he still wore.

"I didn't want this to happen," Harry muttered his face still turned away some moments later.

"But it has Harry, so what are we going to do?"

"You don't deserve a second hand family and you can do a lot better than me. Leo was always so locked away in his own world I never thought he'd become as close to you as he has, I thought we'd have both moved on - I never thought I'd…"

"Daddy?" interrupted Leo. "Leo have pancakes?"

"Wouldn't you like sushi?" Nikki asked with a smile.

Leo shook his head. "Pancakes, please."

"I think we should talk about this later," Harry said aware that he might never finish a sentence again and instead of being frustrated the thought thrilled him with delight.

"I still want to find out why you're a naughty friend." Nikki said to lighten the mood as they parked by her house.

"I'd have thought that was obvious." Harry muttered. "You ready? Come on big fella," he said as he lifted Leo out of the car.

"Daddy? Don't you think Nikki is good princess?" Leo asked.

"Don't princesses always need rescuing?" Harry remarked.

Harry watched Leo's face wrinkle as he thought through the problem.

"Not all of them," Leo replied after a while. "The one where Prince is frog. Princess kiss frog and make Prince better." Harry sighed and followed Leo into Nikki's house. He was more worried about Leo's other favourite story. The one where the tiny mouse outwitted all the other animals of the forest and the Gruffalo. He suspected that that one was a much better metaphor to what was actually going on.

* * *

 **The frog prince: traditional tale**

 **The Gruffalo: Julia Donaldson**


	38. Chapter 38

**Chapter 38**

"Did you ask him?" Nikki asked, pouring out the coffee. She'd been so tempted to listen at the door, she loved hearing Leo's soft high voice.

"I did," Harry replied nervously.

"And I mean: did you ask him what made him start talking again?…"

"I know,"

"So what did he say?" Nikki half laughed, Harry hadn't teased her like this since he'd been back, he'd kept everything factual, always kept her at arms-length. But the shock of Leo speaking had given the day more of a party atmosphere despite the status quo of the housing situation.

"He said..." He raised an eyebrow conspiratorially. "He said…"

"Harry, get on with it."

"He said that you didn't understand sign so well, and he didn't know the sign for marry. So if he was going to ask you to marry him, he'd have to talk, so he did."

Nikki stared at Harry. "He did not!" she stuttered.

"He did!"

"Harry what are we going to do?"

"I don't know," Harry admitted.

There was a long silence. Nikki flicked her finger and thumb and Harry rubbed his jaw.

"It's all I can afford," "Is it true?" they said simultaneously.

"What?" they echoed.

"Is what true?" Harry asked. "You've seen my hourly rate, you know it's true."

"Back at that flat. You signed to Leo that you loved my house." Nikki signed as she said the words.

Harry stared at her, why did he always underestimate her? How many years had he known her? Why did he always make the same mistakes? He'd let his guard down today, Leo may have played the ace of spades but it was Nikki who was holding the rest of the good cards.

"Your signing's not as bad as Leo thinks," Harry commented. But as soon as he had said it, it was clear this was not the answer Nikki was wanting.

"Yes, it's true." He said quietly.

"So why are you in such a hurry to leave?"

"Because the longer we stay the harder it will become to leave, look at what happened today Nikki. I've left it too late already."

"You are allowed to be happy you know." Nikki proclaimed.

"What?"

"You need to forgive yourself." Harry gaped at her open mouthed.

"I… I…"

"I know you've had a rough time of it Harry. I know it's never been easy for you and I know you think it's all your fault. But just imagine if you can, imagine that it's not your fault and you are not to blame for Laurie's addiction or her accident."

"But I am!"

"Did you hold the drugs under her nose? Did you buy them for her? Did you condone her actions when you found out? Did you try and help her? Were you driving the truck that hit her?"

"I kicked my own wife out of our house!"

"Back to her parent's mansion! Harry give yourself a break for once."

"I can't," Harry moaned, but it was more of a whimper than a shout.

Nikki surveyed him silently. His shoulders were slumped and he reminded her of the man she'd met in the office back in the summer, almost six months ago. She shook her head. She'd done her best. How could she rescue a lost child that didn't want to be found?

"Maybe you should take a look at what you've got and not just look at what you've lost. And while you're at it, you can have a think about what I might want. Not what you think I deserve." She turned on her heel and left him alone.

Harry gripped the back of a kitchen chair and fought the urge to throw it across the room. All he'd wanted was just some place quiet to live his life and work and raise his family. He was used to Leo's silence, he was overjoyed that he had started speaking again but it was just so exhausting. His signs were always based in a reality of the here and now and relied on guess work and context. But by talking Leo had opened up a whole fantasy world that Harry felt he had no part of.

He slung himself into the chair. The most nagging voice in his head was the one that accused him of not being honest with his son. He had loathed Laurie's lies. They had undermined everything he thought he knew about their relationship. And yet he had chosen not to tell Leo overtly that the flat was just for the two of them. It had been the first thing Nikki had spotted.

Harry knew in his heart that Leo would have assumed that Nikki would still be with them. Had he omitted to tell him to provide a way back? He'd even asked her along. Why had he done that? So that they could return if Leo threw the predictable tantrum. Or was he just trying to test them both out? And why had he said he loved Nikki's house. He hadn't expected her to understand. Somewhere deep inside a feeling long squashed re-emerged. It wasn't Nikki's house that Harry loved. It was Nikki.

He scrubbed his hands through his hair. He'd told Nikki on so many occasions that he was not who she wanted. He was just Harry. She would be better off without him and yet… and yet…


	39. Chapter 39

**Chapter 39**

"Nikki?" Harry whispered at Nikki's bedroom door. "Are you awake?"

There was a pause. Harry considered tiptoeing away, but then he heard a sigh.

"I'm still awake Harry, come on in."

Harry entered her bedroom but then immediately felt awkward. She shuffled over toward the middle of the bed and indicated a space at the edge where he could sit.

"I've been thinking," Harry began. Nikki raised an eyebrow but didn't interrupt.

"You're right Nikki." Now Nikki was sorely tempted to comment but bit her tongue. "I've been stuck in all that's happened. It's why I've tried to keep my distance, why I didn't want us to get too close. My head's still in a mess over Laurie and I didn't want to disrupt your life when I knew the two of us never worked. It would have been beyond cruel to come back and act as we did before, always in each other's space, in each other's heads. I know we never really properly tried, but the two of us…It wouldn't have worked." He shook his head sadly.

"Is that your definition of a naughty friend?" Nikki asked, her heart raced as she realised that Harry was closer to her physically and emotionally at this moment than he had been for years and with the next heartbeat knew that as soon as Harry did rediscover his lost self, all that previous passion and spark would be back. And furthermore that was exactly what she wanted.

Harry shrugged. "Bad friend," he clarified. And then continued more seriously, "I used you Nikki, I needed help and I had no one else. I knew you wouldn't turn us away even if it hurt you. I was only thinking of myself. That is not good friendship. I am sorry."

Nikki blinked, Harry wasn't sure if she'd heard anything he had just said, he'd spent so long apologising it seemed in the last months, maybe she'd become immune.

"But it's not just the two of us now, is it?" Nikki stated, pulling herself up and sitting back against the headboard.

"What do you mean?"

"It's not just the two of us. We've got Leo." Harry was about to correct her plural pronoun, but realised it seemed about as redundant as his endless apologies. "Don't you remember me saying we were the unholy trinity? You, me and Leo: that's how we work," Nikki continued.

"But Leo's been dead three years!" Harry leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees.

"The two of us on our own, we are too much. We don't work. You're right. We always needed Leo, he counterbalanced us, he evened out our gravitational pull, kept us together but at a safe distance so we weren't pulled off balance, or didn't crash into each other. And now we've got this Leo and he's just the same." Nikki explained.

"Not exactly the same."

"No, not exactly the same, he's smaller and cuter and less prone to give lectures but when he gives you one of his stares, I swear I feel exactly the same as when Leo Dalton used to silently give us the third degree.

Harry chuckled. "I know what you mean. Right from the start Leo's had his fighting spirit. It's what's kept him strong. Kept him alive. But Nikki we're back to where we started. Do you seriously think we could work this out?"

"We'll just have to work through the evidence." Nikki suggested.

"The evidence shows that every relationship I have is a disaster! Run away!"

"All except with me, I wouldn't say we were a disaster."

"Because I never had the balls to make a go of it! No Nikki we can't. I can't believe we're even discussing this. You need a husband that's good for you, and can give you a family. And I've proved I'm the worst husband in the world AND I don't want any more children Nikki. I saw how it destroyed Laurie and I won't do it again."

"Harry, Laurie made her own choices, and some of those were not good ones, you cannot hold yourself responsible for that. But, you can give me those things. No piece of paper saying that we're married is going to change the way I feel about you, the same way as I've always felt. I don't need a husband and I don't need my own child, I've probably left it too late anyway. Harry you are who I want. You and Leo are the family I want. I don't care that it's not the one you think I want or deserve. It is what I want and I couldn't love Leo more even if he were my own child. I might even love him more because he's not. I can't imagine what it would be like if the two of you moved out!"

"So why do you always tell me, that my stupid ideas are good ones?"

"What like getting your own flat?" Nikki tipped her head to one side. "It is a good idea, Harry. You just might need to consider mine and Leo's views on the matter too."

Harry put his head in his hands, sucked in a breath and looked up.

"I'd have stayed, all those years ago." He looked at her, firm and unblinking. "If you'd have said then that it was a stupid idea and that you wanted me to stay, I would have."

"I know," Nikki replied seriously. "It's why I told you it was an excellent opportunity that you shouldn't turn down."

"But why?"

Nikki sighed. "Because it was. You were right to go."

"How can you say that? Because here I am five years on and I'm back in exactly the same place. What was the point? We could have been spared the heartache." He looked up at the pictures on her wall in the dim light. Anything to distract his attention from the gnawing doubt that he had made the most catastrophic failure of his life.

* * *

 **So is Harry going to actually get something right for once?... You know what to do**


	40. Chapter 40

**Thanks to my lovely 100club reviewers. Harry hugs as promised. SaveTheWorldGetTheGirl suggested I might be heading for a plot twist… Me? I'm glad they touched on it in 'After The Fall' recently, or if not go back to 'A Guilty Mind,' for where this bit of Nikki is coming from.**

* * *

 **Chapter 40**

"Why did you kiss me at the Christmas parties?"

"What the hell has that got to do with anything Nikki?"

"Why just then?"

"Because…" He tugged at his hair. It was so long ago, he could hardly remember. He'd undoubtedly been drunk the first time. "Because you are a very attractive woman and…"

"So why just once a year?"

"Nikki… You said it yourself, we're too much together. Once a year and I could control my cravings, anymore and you'd have been a full blown addiction and we would have destroyed each other."

"So I'm right then,"

"I'm really not following," Harry confessed.

"We are too much on our own. We always needed Leo to make us work."

"You keep saying that Nikki, but it doesn't change the fact that Leo Dalton is dead." Harry had become used to being blunt about death. The university counselling team had advised him not to sugar coat the truth, no euphemisms, no promises, just the facts; it was what children needed to hear. The look on Nikki's face suggested that she wasn't as appreciative of his directness.

"You had to go to America, Harry. You mustn't ever regret that."

Harry twisted his hands together, it had been a long time since he and Nikki had had a frank conversation like this and he had got better at following her logic again, but even for her the conversation was dancing wildly between seemingly unrelated topics. There was something about the look on her face that made him concerned. He knew his biggest fear was when he was powerless and out of control of a situation, but coming a very close second was when Nikki Alexander was out of control; not of situations, but of her mind. After all she'd done for them, begging her to come and look at that flat with them today had been cruel. It was no wonder she was so close to the edge.

"When you left Harry, it took me a long time to get over it, but I knew you. I knew you'd find someone; that you would do well at your job, that you'd be happy. So I was happy for you. I'm not saying it didn't hurt but I could live with it. I got over it, Leo got over it. We moved on.

When Leo died I was distraught, abandoned. No one understood just how much I'd lost, not even Jack. This time there was no way I could tell myself that Leo was in a better place and enjoying life like I could when you left…"

"But your faith?" interjected Harry.

Nikki waved her hand dismissively. "Afghanistan made it hard to believe. I never got over it, never accepted it. I just wanted him back. And I know you of all people know exactly how consuming that passion is, to the destruction of everything else, love, hope, joy; anything good in life."

'Sanity,' added Harry in his head, marvelling at how strong she had been all those months since he'd been back.

"I needed Leo back. And that feeling did not go away after the first week or the first month or the first year or the second or the third," she could hear herself speed up, hear the desperation in her voice laced with psychosis. She'd never told anyone how bad it had been. "Leo was one of the few men I've known who cared for me, liked me for who I was, was disappointed in me when I made bad decisions and always wanted the best for me. When he died I had no one who loved me like that. No one! And I wanted that feeling back. I wanted Leo. And then, out of the blue you turn up and you have given me back the one thing I wanted." She took a breath.

"He's not Leo. You do understand that don't you." Harry explained patiently perceiving her fragility. She'd had to manage that grief by herself. He'd felt the pain himself that first day sat back at the Lyell, begging for her help; the gaping absence that was Leo. And she'd lived that every day for nearly three years. He reached his hand across to hers and held it gently.

"I know he's not, but he cares for me in his own little way, look at what he did today!" Nikki exclaimed.

"He proposed to you!" Harry gestured into the air and then realised he'd let go of her hand and didn't feel able to take it again.

"Harry to have someone love you for who you are, not what you do for them, but just who you are. It's a rare thing and I've missed it."

Harry nodded he could see where she was coming from. But he felt his heart contract in pain with the realisation that his son: his allegedly socially inept, autistic spectrum disorder, silent son had shown her more love and acceptance than he had.

Nikki pulled her legs towards her and sat crossed legged under the duvet, her arms wrapped around herself.

"If you'd have stayed and not gone to America, Harry; you and Leo Dalton would both be dead. There is no question about it." Harry snapped his head round to look at her. "I know you and you wouldn't have let Leo die alone." Harry shuddered, the light finally dawning that she had changed tack yet again and now she was talking about what happened in Afghanistan. He'd only had that one last conversation with her informing him of Leo's death. She'd sent him a copy of the inquest and he'd read every article that had been written. There wasn't much, but he'd pieced together most of it during the hours he'd sat next to Leo's incubator.

"You would have gone to him. I would have gone to him, Jack saved my life by holding me back. But if it had been you and not Jack, I'm sure we would have all died that day. Maybe that would have been better. Harry, it hurt when you left, it hurt like hell but I am glad you left because if you hadn't you could never have brought Leo back."

Harry could see her shaking, he felt his own heart thumping. No one had understood his grief over his old boss's death. Or the gnawing guilt that lingered over leaving Leo, his friend and his mentor to watch that man burn; knowing full well that Leo thought it was him. He shuddered. But the woman in front of him knew and understood and still felt the pain as freshly as he did. He reached out and pulled her against him, pressing his cheek into the top of her head.

"I kept everyone at arms-length," she continued. "I didn't know I was capable of loving anyone anymore. And not like I love that boy, Harry. I don't understand it myself. I thought after Leo's death I'd lost it all. I never fully realised how much I loved him. Please don't take this new Leo away from me. I couldn't bear it."

"So we're not just one of your lost causes?"

Harry felt Nikki shake her head against his chest. "You, me and Leo: it's all I've ever known. All I've ever wanted."

Harry nodded his head.

"I'll need some time…" Harry began. "Sort out my brain…"

"I know," she said, running her hand up and down his back. "But please say you'll try. I know it won't be like before, I don't want that but I can't lose you both all over again."

"I know," Harry replied. He did love Nikki's house. His wife had been dead six months, was it wrong to admit to himself that he still loved the woman in his arms? Would it be so terrible to show her? After all she'd done for him and for Leo? Nikki had picked him up for lying to Leo today, despite all he'd said about his hatred of lies. Had he made the whole house thing into some kind of test?

He just didn't want to let her down again but at the same time he couldn't trust himself to get it right. What if Leo was wrong? What if he wasn't an enchanted frog, what if he turned out to be just a bog standard toad? Nikki had certainly had years to figure this out for herself and she was usually so perspicacious and yet she clearly still wanted him. Could he have got it wrong?

"Thank you," he muttered against her hair, he touched his lips to the top of her head.

"We're going to be alright," he said, kissing the top of her head again, and smoothing her hair from her face. "I'll try," he promised and slowly got up and returned to his own room.

* * *

 **Anyone else notice they were recycling characters in SW this week? 'Life Licence.' Just a shame they had to recycle the same line! I wasn't fully concentrating/watching but as soon as I heard Joe Sherringham played by Toby Wharton say the 'I'm a monster,' line. I knew instantly he was Neil Corrigan from Shadows. Just a shame they killed him off in the first episode… And that Ted Blake could have easily been the psychopath H &N were discussing a few chapters back!**


	41. Chapter 41

**December**

 **Chapter 41**

"Thomas said you'd been in a meeting this morning. Was I supposed to be there?" Jack just had his head poked around the door of the office.

Nikki shook her head but did not look up from her computer. Jack however was still suspicious so dived into the chair opposite her causing it to wheel right up to the desk.

"So where were you?"

Nikki continued to ignore him, Jack sat forward in his chair his tall frame crowding her workspace.

"Playing hookie?" Jack asked?

"Have you any idea how many extra hours I did last weekend?"

Jack made a show of picking up an imaginary time sheet and consulting it. "More than a junior doctor does in a week," he pronounced with a flourish. "Now where were you? Spill."

"I've a lot of work, I could delegate some…" Nikki said pointedly.

Jack pulled his lost puppy face. "Where were you?"

"I went to Leo's nursery's Christmas party." She said quickly.

"You did what?"

"I went to Leo's nursery's Christmas party: they did a few songs, we ate mince pies. You know Christmas stuff."

"But they're like three, what did they actually do?" Jack paused. "Hang on. Didn't you say that this kid didn't talk? How did he do a Christmas show?"

Nikki looked up from her computer and Jack did not fail to notice the tears in her eye.

"It was lovely," Nikki said, scrubbing her hand over her eyes and composing herself. "They played the song 'Silent Night' and one of the nursery teachers and a few of the children, Leo included signed the words. Some others sang the dreidel song and then they all paraded with paper candles to welcome Rama and Sita back."

"That's one mixed up Christmas story."

"Oh Jack, it's not about that. Leo stood up in front of all the other parents and he did what he was good at and he enjoyed it. I was glad I was there."

"I thought they were moving out and into a flat."

"They changed their minds."

"They changed their minds or you changed their minds for them?"

"No one changes Harry's mind," Nikki assured Jack.

"So they still live at yours…"

"Yes."

"Are you sleeping with him?"

"Jack!?"

"Are you?"

"No."

"But you trust this one?"

Nikki nodded.

Jack squinted at her from under his eyebrows.

"So you're just housemates?"

"Not exactly."

"What does that mean?"

"Well, Leo did ask me if I would marry him, but since he's been going to nursery he retracted his offer."

Jack began to cough. He sat back in his seat to avoid covering Nikki's desk with saliva. The cough turned to a laugh.

"That's priceless. The kid's got more balls than his father. What did you say?"

"Well he did offer that we could live in a castle too," Nikki replied seriously. "I said I'd think about it."

"How did he break it off? Did he let you down easy?"

"He was very sweet actually. He said he'd shared his lunch with a girl called Emily and he thought it was unfair to have two girlfriends and Karen the nursery teacher had told him that little boys didn't marry grown-ups, so he asked if I would mind not marrying him."

"I hope you told him you were upset!" Jack paused. "Hang on! This is the kid that doesn't speak! How did he ask you to marry him?"

"He talks to me." Nikki said with a smile.

"And the nursery teacher?"

"I think he still signs at nursery but he likes going and he's settled in well."

"I would imagine that the teacher who signs to him probably helps. Can't you ask her to stop?"

"He'll talk when he's ready, he talks to Harry. He talks to me."

"I bet he does. I worry about you Nikki." Jack continued. "I think these Cunningham men are dangerous. They both know just how to manipulate you!"

"Jack! How many times have we been through this? Look at me." Jack span side to side on his chair.

"Look at me!" Nikki commanded. "Do I look like someone who is happy with life at the moment or unhappy with life at the moment?" The earlier tears had left an extra sparkle in her eye, her cheeks were slightly flushed, her smile open and welcoming."

"You look happy, Nikki."

"Sure?"

"Sure."

"Good."

"Hmm."

"Will you give it a rest now, finally?" Nikki asked.

Jack screwed up his face and twisted his lips this way and that.

"You're sure you're happy?"

Nikki nodded.

"And you are going to catch up with enough work to come out with us for our pre-Christmas drinks aren't you?"

Nikki tossed Jack a couple of files and smiled.

"I am now!" she replied cheerfully.

"How rude!"


	42. Chapter 42

**Chapter 42**

Nikki had trouble fitting the key into the lock on the front door but this time it was not because she was drunk. Her secret Santa present had been a helium balloon Christmas tree, it was almost as tall as she was and three cabs had sailed passed her until one was brave enough to stop and watch her struggle to pull it through the door.

When the door finally did open, Nikki saw Harry's concerned face in the opening, he looked from her to the balloons and back to her face again. He cracked a lopsided grin.

"Secret Santa?"

Nikki nodded.

"What did you take?"

"One of those massive tubs of chocolates,"

"That is so boring," whined Harry. He helped her off with her coat and dragged the balloon through into the living area. It was difficult for even Harry to manoeuvre and Nikki couldn't help laughing at him.

"Good night?" Harry asked.

"It was fun," Nikki agreed. "Colin came, I've not seen him for years. He sends his regards."

"Where's he working now?"

"Guy's Hospital, he's head of something or other. He seems happy."

"It's all that training we gave him!" Harry smirked. "I'm glad you had fun."

"How's Leo? Did you tell him how proud I was of him? Sorry I had to dash off."

"That was fine, you'd been there for ages. It's not as if the nursery show started on time. He was good though wasn't he?"

"He was brilliant. I take it that was Karen, his favourite teacher." Harry nodded.

"I chatted to her later, she had some really helpful suggestions. They are very happy for him to continue as he is. She's sure he'll talk when he's ready. It's early days really for him, but the difference between when he arrived and what he did today in front of the other mums…"

Nikki swallowed. There had been a handful of other dads in the room, some grandparents but the majority of people were the mums.

"And to think," Harry continued. "His last day care excluded him on account of his behaviour or 'specialist needs.' Didn't he look just like the other children? Do you really think he's getting better?"

"Harry, if it is autism, then that is never just going to disappear…"

"But he's never officially been tested," Harry interjected. "Don't you think he seems more normal now?"

"Harry! He has 50% of your DNA, that child is never going to be 'normal'.

"Oy!"

"I think the word you're looking for is 'neurotypical'. And yes he does look just like the others Harry. I'm glad I was there to watch today." Nikki reached out and brushed Harry's fingers with her own.

"Maybe it was a reaction or trauma from what happened before?" Harry suggested.

As Nikki had predicted, Harry had never mentioned the cookie incident since. She didn't know if he'd questioned Leo, but she suspected that if her interpretation was true then Harry would be the last person the boy would talk to.

"It could be," she said non-committedly.

"Thanks," he said giving her hand a quick squeeze. "And thanks for coming today," but he wouldn't meet her eye.

"What's the matter? What's happened?" Nikki asked. She'd been happy at the party, merry even but she'd kept a strict count of how many drinks she'd had. But her happy feeling was beginning to be overwhelmed by the dread of one of Harry's left field comments. She could tell he was working up to one from the look on his face. They'd lived and worked together long enough for her to recognise that.

"Where are you going?" she asked, fear now replacing the dread.

Harry looked up into her face, dimly aware that he was still holding her hand and she'd already pre-empted his news - again.

"Laurie's parents have sent tickets for Leo and me to spend Christmas with them. The message and tickets were in my email today…" Nikki stared wide eyed.

"For how long?"

"The plane's booked for early on the 22nd and returning on the 27th."

"Are you going to go?" Nikki's voice came out as an unintended whisper.

"I think I have to…"

"Do you want to?" Nikki retorted.

Harry shrugged, he finally released her hand and paced up and down. "They can't take him from me, we've proved all that and the lawyers are doing their bit, but he is their grandson, and it was their daughter that died. I don't think it matters what I want. It is the right thing to do. It's not for very long…" Harry tailed off he looked back to Nikki. He couldn't quite read her reaction.

"Are you coming back?"

"Of course I'm coming back." He retorted, but he could see her point. There was no specific reason why he shouldn't stay in the States now the custody issues had been settled. Except…

"Harry, it's five days. How bad can it be?" Nikki said quickly.

"They don't like me…"

"I thought they were all for you in the beginning?"

"Mmm, I think that changed when their daughter died and they declared me an unfit father…"

"Well look Harry, take him this year. He should see his grandparents. In a couple of years' time, he'll be old enough to go by himself, if that's what he wants."

"What will you do?" Harry asked meekly. He'd not forgotten her words previously. That need for her to have her Leo back, how close to the mental health line she sailed. She was always so strong, so determined and focused, but the work she did and the life she'd lived made that line more of a tightrope and one errant gust of wind could knock her clean off. He hated it more when it was his fault that the wind was blowing.

"I'm on the rota to work the 25th anyway. I signed up months ago, back in the spring I think."

"Really? I thought that was shared out between all the areas?"

"It is, I volunteered."

Harry suppressed the 'but why,' that was forming in his mind. He knew why. Christmas the most depressing day of the year for those without a family or friend to spend it with. But it wasn't as if he could ask her to come with him.

"Nikki, I'm sorry. I didn't know. They didn't even ask, they just sent the tickets. It's…"

"It seems like they know you well then." Nikki smiled. Genuinely smiled at him. "Go, have a good time. Eat Twinkies and pretzels and yams with marshmallows on for dinner, or whatever they do. Let me know the flight times and I'll can see if I can pick you up."

Harry's pacing had now put him on the far side of the room, with the helium Christmas tree between them.

"Thank you." He said, and tried to push the balloon further back. It didn't cooperate.

"It's fine, Harry. Don't worry about me."

"But I still do," he replied with a shrug.

"Thanks Harry, I'll be fine," Nikki claimed and then emboldened by her earlier drinks or just because it had been the work's Christmas party, she stepped forward and gave Harry a quick kiss on the cheek. He caught hold of her arms as she stepped back away from him and held her gaze, his eyes desperate to determine her meaning.

When he failed to reply or do anything other than look lost. Nikki muttered, "Good night Harry," and he dropped his hold on her and watched her go.

* * *

 **I don't want anyone reading this to assume I'm suggesting that autism can be 'cured.' As Harry has been trying to point out all along, it hasn't been autism, just some similar behaviour patterns. We've been leaving you clues: Leo would not know to apologise for himself or others, would be unlikely to try or enjoy new or exotic foods, like his sushi and certainly wouldn't understand that Nikki did not understand his signs. So there is no miracle cure, Leo still has a long way to go but he never needed that psychological test after all. Sending love and respect to all the parents/carers/teachers out there who deal with autism on a daily basis.**


	43. Chapter 43

**Sorry for the long wait… 3 more now but we are nearing the end…**

 **Thanks as always to my lovely reviewers.**

* * *

 **Chapter 43**

Nikki really didn't know why more people didn't volunteer for the Christmas Day shift. The commute was the quickest of the year, there was no trouble finding a parking space and usually you could work uninterrupted and unhindered. It was one of the best days of the year if you wanted to knuckle down and get on with the work. And it made you popular with the rest of the staff until at least March. This one was no exception. She'd beaten her personal best commute time and there was enough work to keep her occupied but not manic. Just after Christmas was usually busier.

She was doing all she could to focus on the positives. Focusing on the look in Leo's eyes as she left for work, the day of their flight to the US, was not a good move. Harry had insisted they'd take the train. Maybe it was the thought of all the people on the tube that had frightened Leo? He had become quieter again in the days before they left, but even so since they'd been gone her flat had felt soulless without them.

She was surprised when the phone did actually ring.

"Hello?" she said cautiously as if expecting an Indian call centre spuriously offering computer updates.

"Dr Alexander. We've got a body."

"Hello?!"

"Dr Alexander, you are the only pathologist covering most of the capital today, I am through to the right person?"

"Yes that's me, who are you?"

"Oh sorry, I'm DI Banks. I'm sending over the details now. How soon do you think you can get there? Word is, he's still warm…"

Nikki checked her inbox and then looked at the time the computer said she could get there, halved it and replied.

"I can be there by 11.30, will that be quick enough."

"Quick enough for me. I'll see you there." Banks paused and then hastily added. "Merry Christmas."

Nikki made a face. She was already decidedly uncertain about her potential working relationship with Banks."

"Merry Christmas to you too," she replied.

She looked at the address again and tried to google some background information. Her heart sank when she realised it was a Salvation Army drop in centre.

She grabbed her coat and bag and realised she'd subconsciously prayed that the cause of death wasn't some stupid spat over who got in line first for Christmas lunch. That would suck the tiny remainder of Christmas spirit she had left, right out of her.

* * *

 **Thanks again for all the reviews, it really does make it all worth while and I'm enjoying the positive reaction to Jack (although it has made me rewrite the end AGAIN)…. (no, not that much!) Apologies for the Greater Love references… I was pretty sure I'd made that claim before, so sorry for any unexpected heart ache caused there. I did a bit of research and here it was in Sundays at One Part 3**

" **Thank God I wasn't there." Harry muttered.**

" **Yes indeed," said Beto making the sign of the cross. "You would have probably got yourself blown up too."**

 **Harry just stared at his friend. There was so much it seemed he didn't know about him. How had he not noticed it before Beto went back to Colombia? Beto was right. AGAIN! What had Nikki said? That Jack had held on to her so tightly she wasn't able to get to Leo. Would he have had the presence of mind to have done that? He was more likely to have tried to pull Leo away and get them all killed. His friends were still staring at him, obviously waiting for him to say something.**

" **He was a good man, my old boss. Sometimes misguided, sometimes annoying but fundamentally one of the kindest and most inspiring men I've ever met." Harry said.**

" **And he sacrificed himself to save Nikki?" Beto asked.**

" **And many others…"**

" **So he would have been happy?" Jorge suggested.**


	44. Chapter 44

**Chapter 44**

"Are you alright Doctor?" a pretty young salvation army officer asked Nikki. She suddenly felt tired. She straightened up and looked at the woman. Her name badge said Hannah.

"I'm…" Nikki stuttered. "I think I've done all I can here," she continued changing the subject.

"That's not what I asked," Hannah persisted.

"I'm sorry you've had all this disturbance, I hope we will be able to get everything out of your way quick enough to serve the other cus…" Nikki looked up, unsure of the word. She was tempted to use Leo's 'friends' sign.

"Clients," prompted Hannah. "And 'everything', was Ted and he died today, he's as much a client who needed our help as any one of the guests out there eating dinner." She gestured to the paramedics who began to load Ted onto a gurney.

"Yes, of course, I didn't mean to be insensitive. I'm sorry. Did you know him well?"

"He came in from time to time, he just gave us a bit of a scare today, that's all. He looks a lot more peaceful now."

Nikki shook her head. "He's dead?!"

"Oh yes I know, but now you've told us that those knife wounds weren't enough to kill him, and were probably self-inflicted, it rather changes the picture. Maybe old Ted just had a heart attack or something. It's not a bad way to go," Hannah philosophised.

"Couldn't he have got medical help he was obviously troubled?"

"Many of our clients don't like to go down that route. Even if they get medication they often don't have the lifestyles to remember to take it regularly and often they don't qualify. The mental health budget cuts are truly criminal," Hannah commented.

Nikki blinked hard, it was turning into a rather surreal day. She signalled that the body could be removed.

"Death doesn't have to mean failure, Doctor." Hannah explained.

"I, er… Well, it…" Nikki stuttered to a halt.

"Have you eaten yet Dr. Alexander?" Hannah asked.

"No… I… err"

"There's plenty here, that is if you feel up to it. I always assumed someone in your profession would have a pretty strong stomach but I'd understand if you didn't want to join me. I was going to get some now if you're finished with me here."

"Yes, I'm finished. I was going to go back to work." Nikki looked around her nervously.

"Is anyone cooking for you today?" Hannah asked pointedly.

"No," Nikki admitted.

"So come and join me. I'd like the company."

"So you've not got family at home cooking for you?" Nikki asked.

Hannah shook her head. "Not as such. Family are the people you love Dr Alexander not just the people you share a bit of DNA with. I thought you looked like the sort of person who would understand that. Today, you and these people here are my family. I've done my stint sitting on the other side of that table, I made some bad choices but coming here got me through it. I made a change and these people were here for me; that's family. Nikki looked at Hannah and the roughened faces of the clients eating their Christmas meal and back to Hannah's healthy fresh face. "Is that true?" she asked.

"What you don't believe anymore?" Hannah asked already standing up and heading towards the hatchway serving the food.

Nikki stared. "But how did you know I did used to believe?" She gasped when she caught up with her.

Hannah didn't answer, she just handed the Christmas meal to Nikki. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you too," Nikki replied. She sat down next to an older man who had started telling as many Christmas jokes as he could remember to anyone within earshot. Ted's death hadn't seemed to dampen the holiday mood. Death was easy to come by on the city streets and it didn't take a day off for holidays. The police had left. DI Banks had managed a disappearing act the speed of which, Houdini would have been proud of. The questions had stopped when it became clear that Ted's death was not suspicious or the result of any of their actions and now was the time to eat. Hannah chatted easily to the other clients and added a few of her own jokes.

"I wish I'd brought my Christmas tree." Nikki said.

"Your what?"

"I got given a helium Christmas tree, it's massive, it would have looked great here."

"Maybe next year," Hannah suggested.

Nikki returned her smile. Helping out at a place like this; it would be better than spending the day alone. She hadn't been anticipating spending this one on her own, since Harry's return. She wondered how they were getting on.

"Who are you missing?" Hannah asked. Nikki snapped back to the present and realised that Hannah had been watching her.

"I'm. I was just…" Nikki found herself tongue tied again.

"You just looked a bit lost for a moment there…" Hannah said cheerfully, lightening the mood.

"It's not me that's lost." Nikki stated.

"Then I'll pray that whoever they are, they'll find their way back."

Nikki stared. "You'd do that?"

Hannah smiled. "I know what it's like, remember. Maybe they just need the chance to make a change."

"I've tried!" Nikki exclaimed.

"Then don't give up. They have to want to come back. Our Ted here, he'd had enough. He'd given up the fight long back, it just took his body a while to catch up."

Did Harry want to come back? He couldn't be happy clutching on to all those past hurts; forever condemning himself to misery and keeping everyone else at arm's length. It was just as damaging as any of the other addictions represented by the faces in the room and as isolating as Leo's behaviour and refusal to talk.

"Thanks for the dinner, thanks for everything." Nikki said.

"You're welcome. And if you are on your own next year you know you have a family here. If you like working on Christmas day so much, you could come and volunteer." Hannah grinned, she never liked to waste a recruitment opportunity.


	45. Chapter 45

**Chapter 45**

Harry folded his long legs into the aeroplane seat and shoved both carry-on bags in the space in front of Leo's. Leo looked silently out of the window. A male passenger sat down cautiously in the seat on the other side of Harry and shot Leo a dark look. Harry sighed. He remembered doing a similar thing on a flight once before. "Don't worry," he said to the man. "You won't hear a peep out of him." The man did not look convinced.

"He's not spoken for five days; it's unlikely he'll start now," Harry clarified.

The passenger looked more perplexed but buried his head in his book.

The plane began to taxi and the safety announcements began. Harry felt Leo tap his leg. He pointed forwards and tapped his fingers together to make a triangle.

"Yes we're about to take off," said Harry tiredly.

Leo shook his head furiously and rocked back and forth in his seat.

"Leo, sit still. Try and sit still it's very important on planes." He heard the man next to him groan. "I'm sorry. What did you say?"

Leo repeated his signs, pointedly.

"Let's go home." Harry translated correctly.

Leo nodded, tapped his fingers together, smiled and sat still. Harry thought for a moment that Leo might speak but the plane began its final push for take-off and the only noise Harry heard was the roar of the engines and the wheels as they tore down the runway.

'Home' thought Harry. He was glad Leo was so certain. He didn't know what to think anymore, his definition of home had had to be redefined in the last few days.

It didn't take Leo long to fall asleep. Neither of them had adjusted to the time difference, their visit had been mercifully short and they were both exhausted. If Leo's first meeting with his own mother had been difficult, five days with Krystia his mother-in-law had just been a disaster.

Almost on arrival Harry and Leo had been deposited into a room filled with the remainder of the stuff from their old apartment to sort through. Most of the toys and clothes left behind were too young for Leo and he showed no interest in them.

"Leo not baby now," he'd said to Harry pointing at the box full of plastic.

"That's good Leo, we can take them to a shop so other children can have them." Leo nodded and peered into the box Harry was sorting and picked out a picture frame. He turned it over and showed it to his father.

"Daddy," he pointed to the figure on the right. "Nikki!" he said excitedly and pointed to the figure on the left and then stopped.

"Leo," Harry explained and watched his sons eyes grow big. "He was a very special and brave man, just like you." Harry continued. "He's dead too, but you help me remember him."

"Like we 'member Mommy," Leo explained and pulled out another frame containing a picture of his mother.

"Like Mommy," Harry sighed. He'd only brought one photo back of Laurie and Leo kept that next to his side of the bed.

Leo looked back to the first picture. "Daddy, Nikki and Leo," he pointed at the people again.

"What got?"

Harry looked closely at the picture. "That's a special medal Leo got, the Queen gave it to him."

Leo looked impressed. "Why?"

"For being kind, helping lots of people, making sure they had a good place to go to learn." Leo looked up, they were no longer alone. He bumped his fists together.

"Something special?" Harry asked, recognising the signs. "Yes, Leo was very special."

"Pretty girl," Krystia said leaning over the two of them and pointing at the picture. Leo hugged the picture to his chest. Harry was startled, he'd not heard his mother in law enter. But it did explain why Leo had suddenly reverted to signing.

"Leo why don't you go and play with your cousins in the playroom?" Krystia suggested. "It'll be more fun for you there, Daddy and I have got to do some boring paperwork."

Leo shook his head but Krystia was not taking no for an answer. "Come on, Daddy needs some peace and quiet." She caught hold of Leo's hand and tugged him across the room. Harry waited for the screams to start, but Leo plodded reluctantly away. Krystia scooped up his minion backpack.

"It's only across the hall way, there's lots of fun stuff and I've got your bag." She opened another door and pushed Leo into the room full of multi-coloured plastic and computer games and noisy cousins. An hour later when Harry had finished dealing with the probate forms and the rest of their old belongings, the cousins were still playing boisterously in the playroom and Leo had hidden himself in a corner with three of his cars, brumming loudly. He hadn't spoken again since.

* * *

 **As you've probably already guessed, this is going to be a …it has to get worse before it can get better… moment. So what's it gonna be?**


	46. Chapter 46

**Ok, here we go… these are the big ones and in more ways than one. I hope it works. Let me know. And it was the lead up to Christmas when I actually wrote these, I wasn't anticipating not actually getting them up until February… so sorry.**

 **As always thanks to all you ace reviewers. You don't know how many tweaks you are all responsible for… and hopefully for the better.**

* * *

 **Chapter 46**

Worse still Laurie's mother had taken Leo and three of the cousins to visit Father Christmas at a shopping mall the following day. She said she could manage on her own, but Harry insisted on accompanying her.

"Why isn't he talking?" Krystia asked on the journey to the mall.

"He gets nervous." Harry answered.

"But he doesn't need to be nervous with us, we're family! What have you been telling him?" she added accusingly.

"You used to have fun at Gramma's, didn't you Leo? When you and Mommy used to come and visit?"

Leo nodded his head politely. But his eyes told a different story.

The mall was even more crowded and noisy than Harry had feared. He picked his son up, and Leo buried himself inside the flap of Harry's jacket. Santa's grotto was just outside the food court, where the neon lights, music and smells bombarded the senses.

"I think you had better let him grow up a bit, he's not a baby." Krystia said pointedly.

"I'm not sure Leo's up for meeting Father Christmas." Harry suggested. Looking at the board displaying the admission prices and fearing one of Leo's tantrums the far side of the ticket booth.

"Of course he is. You're too much of a scientist Harry, I bet you've not told him any Christmas stories, the poor child won't have any of that magic. You probably don't even have a tree!"

Harry grunted a denial. It was the first time he'd been grateful for Nikki's balloon monstrosity.

"He'll be fine. Just put him down." Krystia insisted. Harry put Leo down, but kept a tight hold of his hand. What was it with the Father Christmas stuff? You spent 11 months of the year, telling children to watch out for strangers and to stay safe and then for one month it's ok to let some old bloke in a dodgy hat, into your house, or worse your bedroom; to ply you with presents! In his world that was usually called grooming.

He sighed and tuned back into what Krystia was saying to the other amassed cousins.

"So Father Christmas is going to ask you what you would like for Christmas, so he can put it on his sleigh and bring it to Gramma's house on Thursday night, so think carefully whilst we wait our turn and then you can tell Father Christmas nice and loudly and clearly when we go in. Two of the older cousins, Harry wasn't entirely sure of their names started regaling their grandmother with all the latest functions of some dolly play spa. Harry tuned out again.

Despite having timed tickets, there was still a long queue of children and adults. He tried to smile at the woman behind with a boy a similar age to Leo, but she just scowled at him, she was probably mentally estimating how long they would take, with four children.

Leo tapped Harry on the knee. He tried to sign but just shrugged in frustration.

"Maybe Father Christmas will understand sign." Harry suggested.

Krystia tutted. "I know that boy can speak, he's just being obstinate. He used to chatter to me. And anyway you taught him British Sign Language, not American so he'll just have to speak. When did he stop talking?"

"Just before his mother died." Harry replied.

He felt the woman behind, step closer. He'd forgotten how much other people's lives were considered entertainment in America. She'd lost the scowl too he noticed. Part of him wanted to tell Krystia about Nikki's theory, but to do that he would have to explain who Nikki was and what Laurie had done to make Leo silent. Neither of which he wanted to do and especially not with an audience.

"So he's not spoken since Laurie passed?" Krystia asked. She wasn't usually a woman who needed information repeated, and so Harry watched carefully as he answered.

"No. It was a few weeks before. He got quieter and quieter in the last months and then in May he stopped completely."

"You're sure it was May?"

"Yes. It was just after mothers' day. Laurie and Leo stayed with you for the weekend, I'd stopped behind and marked exam papers, I'd had some days off to look after them both and had got behind." Harry saw some flicker of recognition pass across Krystia's face. She turned guiltily away. Harry looked around his eyes unfocused as he thought through the last exchange. He caught the eye of the woman in line behind him. She had one eyebrow raised and had fixed him with a curious stare.

Harry had a sudden flash of clarity. He felt the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. Nikki had been wrong.

It wasn't Laurie who'd told Leo to keep a secret and not to talk.

It had been Krystia.

He couldn't look at her. He couldn't think. The two girl cousins pointed at him and giggled to themselves.

To escape their torment, Harry bent down to Leo's level.

"Have you thought what you want?" Harry whispered to him. He felt the woman behind step forward again.

Leo nodded.

"What are you going to ask Father Christmas for?" Harry asked.

"It can be anything, something that you really want." Krystia interrupted loudly.

Leo looked anxiously at Harry and began to sign.

"I'm not sure Father Christmas can put that in a box," Harry said.

The other cousins turned towards him and stared.

"That kid's weird," one of them unsuccessfully whispered.

"What did he say?" Krystia snapped.

"He said, 'He wants Daddy to be happy.'"

Krystia tutted and the woman behind wiped a tear from her eye. "Anything else?" Leo began to look even more nervous but signed again.

"What did he ask for," demanded Krystia?

Leo brushed one hand over the other and tapped his head, another sign Harry hadn't seen for a long time – Mummy. But what was the first one? Toast? No.

"Clean?" asked Harry. The brush across the hand sign was similar to the one he used for a clean nappy. But Leo couldn't be asking for a clean Mummy. Harry had never discussed Laurie's drug problems when Leo was in earshot. He'd been a stickler for that. So Leo wouldn't know to use the word 'clean' with mummy.

Leo was shaking his head. Harry knew he'd got it wrong. He wanted to ask Leo to tell him, but with such an audience, he knew he wouldn't.

"What did he say?" grumbled Krystia.

"Mummy." Harry replied.

"Maybe it's better that he doesn't come in." Krystia called over her shoulder, they had moved up to the entrance window and she held out the four tickets. Harry looked at the woman behind, "did you prepay?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"Go on in," he said sweeping his arm forwards and pulling Leo out of the line. "Merry Christmas!" he added.

"We'll meet you by the model train," Harry called to his in-laws as they disappeared into Santa's grotto.

The woman from behind turned and smiled at them. "I hope Father Christmas brings you what you wished for." But Leo had heard mention of a model train. He loved his cars, but a working model train... He stared at the layout, the Christmas lights twinkled and the trains whirred round and round the track. It was also out of earshot of the noisy food court.

"This is more like it," smiled Harry.

* * *

 **So how's your BSL? Know what Leo actually asked for?**


	47. Chapter 47

**Chapter 47**

Harry crossed and uncrossed his legs, he still felt claustrophobic in the aeroplane's seat. He was tall, but not enormous. He didn't know how bigger people managed it. Nikki's colleague at the Lyell, now he was tall. Well over 6 foot. What did he do? No wonder Nikki still wore such high heels, without them she'd barely come up further than his elbow.

The air hostess brought Leo's special order child's meal. Harry opened it and was greeted with a handful of desultory looking chicken nuggets and kiddie tat that passed as food. It was lucky Leo was still resting. He'd swap the meals around when his arrived. Harry wasn't above eating a chicken nugget now and again. And it would pre-empt a Leo meltdown. He quickly scanned the menu card and hoped there'd would be salmon left by the time he was served. He'd learned this trick the hard way on their last flight back to the UK.

His discomfort was not entirely due to the cramped conditions of the aeroplane's seat. He was crammed into a small space now, but it was nothing compared to the tight spot Krystia had backed him into. He couldn't help reliving the conversation he'd had with her, after they'd returned from the mall. He had seen the way she'd looked away as soon as he'd mentioned mothers' day. His instincts told him to dig. There was something that happened that weekend that he needed to find out about.

-o-

On returning from their trip to the mall she had scurried into the kitchen on the pretext of preparing something for the children, but Harry was well aware that a team of caterers was providing for their every need, so he followed her in, certain of the fact that he'd not be asked to stir or mix anything. He was mildly surprised she knew where her kitchen was. He was not surprised to see the two people who had been working in the kitchen make a swift exit. He'd felt bad about leaving Leo, but Leo had had a great time watching the trains and now he was back in the house he'd returned to manipulating his cars oblivious to his surroundings so Harry took his chance and made a run for it.

"What happened on mothers' day weekend?" He asked.

"What do you mean?" Krystia replied carelessly as if Harry had just asked her the time.

"You know," Harry said. He could feel the growl in his voice and forced himself to breathe evenly. He didn't want to lose control. This was his one chance of really finding out what happened.

"We had a girl's weekend, Laurie, her sister and I. The menfolk looked after the children and we treated ourselves. We had a masseur come, it was supposed to be like a home spa day. It was mothers' day after all."

"That is not what I mean and you know it," Harry said severely, stepping into Krystia's personal space and backing her into a kitchen chair.

"What happened to Leo that weekend?"

"Ugh, that child!" Krystia began exasperatedly. "He was supposed to be outside with everyone else. They were taking turns to drive the ride on mower, cut the grass, and play outside. They were having fun."

"He was two years old!"

"Oh, he wasn't driving by himself, my husband was driving he had Leo on his knee, Greg was there. You were supposed to be out there with them helping too, but you didn't come. Leo must have got bored waiting for his next turn and wandered back to the house. He was so quiet no one noticed him go, or missed him when he had gone."

"Or arrive…" Harry added tautly. "This girls' day…" Harry began.

"We were going to have some time to ourselves, really relax. Have a bit of fun."

"Fun?" Harry raised an eyebrow. He didn't like where this was going.

"Oh don't act all ignorant Harry. It doesn't suit you. Grow up a bit…" Harry swallowed. He was trying to get his brain to catch up with what he thought his heart was telling him.

"You let her, take that junk in your house?" Harry asked aghast.

"Well at least I knew where she got it from, when she took it here."

"What on earth do you mean?" Harry felt his stomach fold in half. He had always boasted about his iron stomach but right now, he really thought he was in danger of vomiting. "YOU got the stuff for her? You were her mother! How could you have done that? What were you thinking?"

"I didn't know she was buying more on the side." Krystia snapped back. "I didn't realise she'd let it get so out of control, she'd managed in the past. It's not like it's difficult."

"What?" Harry gasped.

"I mean it's not that addictive."

"How would you know that…" began Harry, but that was the moment he'd realised.

"YOU don't find it difficult!…" Harry shouted. As his whole world had crashed down around him. "It was YOU!" he choked.

* * *

 **Ok feel free to be honest…what do you think?**


	48. Chapter 48

**Chapter 48**

Krystia didn't look away. Harry sucked in a breath and gripped the table in front of him. "Did Leo see you? When he came back inside. Did he sneeze on your coke? Did you hurt him?" Krystia's gaze became steely. "It wasn't Laurie was it? It was YOU he saw taking bad medicine." Harry continued.

"Bad medicine! Harry, listen to yourself. Some women take pills, some drink, I do a line here and there, what's the difference?"

"The difference is, is that you supplied your daughter with illegal drugs, which she took in this house. Which you took in front of your grandson. Did you smack him?

"Of course I did, but not hard. He'd made a dreadful mess."

"And you made him promise not to tell anyone!"

"I didn't want Laurie knowing. She'd not seen, she'd been having her massage."

"I can't talk to you about this." He started to step away.

"I thought I was helping."

Harry made a strangled noise half sob half roar. He couldn't abide stupid people and America it seemed had more than their fair share of them. He'd just not realised his mother in law ranked within their numbers.

"How could you think that would help?"

"You saw what she was like after Leo. Those antidepressants she had, just made her worse. They weren't helping her lose the baby fat and the other side effects were dreadful. I made her happy again."

"You got her high! There is a massive difference!"

"Harry, you're a parent now. You would do anything to make Leo happy, wouldn't you?"

"Not if it were dangerous and illegal. No!"

"Bullshit! She was in pain and I knew I could help. I just gave her a little…"

"Stop it," roared Harry. "How could you be such a… such a fool?" He hadn't felt this angry in a long time, he could feel his pulse throbbing in his neck, his fists clenching and unclenching.

"Don't you think I don't regret it!" she screamed. "She was my daughter and now she's dead! I at least tried to help. What did you do? If you hadn't have…"

"Don't you even dare accuse me…" Harry began. "Did you give her the drugs the day she died?" Harry's body was shaking so violently, he could hardly get the words out. But one look at Krystia confirmed that she was not in the present with Harry anymore, she was somewhere deep in her memory.

"She never did what she was told. She was always a difficult child. Did things her own way," Harry bit his tongue to stop from replying. He'd witnessed Krystia's grand-parenting skills and he wasn't impressed, her parenting had apparently been worse. Throwing money or 'gifts,' at children was never what they wanted, they just wanted to be loved not pawns in some crazy adult's status game.

"I just wanted her to have something in case of emergency. I didn't think she'd take it on route." Krystia replied, back in the present again.

Harry couldn't even speak. He'd insisted Laurie left their house in an attempt to force her to accept help, to realise that she had a problem and he had thrown her back to her parents. Parents were supposed to help their children. Not ply them with narcotics.

Laurie hadn't stood a chance.

"You killed her!" he exclaimed.

"I did not," Krystia replied stoically. "She died in a road accident. And you won't be telling anyone anything differently."

Harry stared at the woman in front of him open mouthed, white with fury. "You'll apologise to Leo!" he spat.

"For what?"

"For what?! For hurting him, for frightening him so much he hasn't spoken for six months!"

"I'll do no such thing. He probably doesn't even remember."

"Oh, he remembers," insisted Harry, he screwed up his eyes and thought back to the child he'd picked out of the flour on Nikki's floor. And all he'd done was scream at Nikki for upsetting Leo! Nikki had been right – well sort of. He'd been awful to her afterwards, but she had been right all along.

He wished Leo was here with him now, not to hear all that had gone on. He just needed to hold him tight and promise to never let anything bad happen to him ever again. That was stupid he realised. He could never keep that promise. He opened his eyes and realised that Krystia had left.

"This was nobody's fault," the words of his own father came back to him. But all his life when things had gone wrong it had always felt as if it was his fault. But this! This was definitely Krystia's fault. Could he have loved Laurie more? Had he done enough to help her? How could he have been so blind? How could he have misjudged Krystia so badly? How could he have sent his wife away to the most dangerous place there was? Why had she chosen to go there? He slumped down into a kitchen chair put his head on the table and wept.

He didn't care that his eyes were still red rimmed when he went to find Leo. No one there would have questioned his grief. Krystia was sitting over Leo, and Leo was arranging his cars and rocking.

"Ah look Leo, Daddy's back!" she said, Leo didn't budge. "We were just having a nice game, and talking about our big Christmas meal."

Leo shot Harry a look then, as if to say, 'she was talking…'

"Don't think you're just going to put him on a plane and take him away again," Krystia hissed. "I've already told Greg he's not to take you to the station or the airport."

Harry sighed. He didn't have the money even if he could get to the airport. He was trapped. There was nothing he could do, Krystia had out manoeuvred him.

"We're going to have a lovely Christmas together. Aren't we Leo?" Krystia asked so pointedly that a non-response was impossible. Leo gave her a weak thumbs up sign and looked to his father, Krystia left somewhat appeased.

Harry however, noticed that Leo's thumbs up hand was resting on the palm of his other hand.

Leo wasn't giving Krystia a happy thumbs up 'good' sign. A thumbs up resting on the other hand was the sign for 'help.'

-o-

Harry downed his aeroplane issue bottle of wine and shook his head. 'I'm sorry Laurie,' he thought.

He looked across at his son, he was awake and watching the crazy yellow minion creatures he loved on the inflight entertainment. They were all fighting over a banana and finding new ways to hit each other. Harry watched him smile. It was the first smile he'd seen in days, it made him look even more like his mother in the early days before the depression had overwhelmed her. He sighed.

He thought back to the very beginning. It was him sat by his son's incubator. Almost as if Laurie had resented Leo's impact on her life from the moment he'd been born. Maybe she'd been too young. Maybe the trauma of the premature birth had caused some kind of brain imbalance that had brought on the depression. But he remembered as he'd sat beside his tiny new-born that he'd sworn never to repeat his own father's mistakes. He would have time for his son. Laurie was dead. It was not his fault. If she had been really serious about cleaning up her act then she'd have volunteered to go to rehab, not back to her parents. She knew exactly what she was choosing. He couldn't carry that guilt any longer. That was Krystia's doing coupled with some of Laurie's poor decisions.

He had to focus on Leo now. He had already unwittingly put Leo in danger every time he had let him go to Krystia's but now he knew the truth he could protect him. If that was Leo's real family then he would be better off without them. Leo was confident that he was going 'home,' he looked happier than he had for days. He could make it up to Leo.

He had made his peace with Laurie

But Nikki… What was he to do about her?

* * *

 **Hopefully this has avoided the tl:dnr scenario, I've reworked it so many times. Genuinely nervous about what you think, so good or bad please let me know. Thanks.**

 **Also please be assured that despite Krystia's words I am not condoning illegal drug use in any way. It's stupid, dangerous and illegal so don't do it. Post natal depression affects 10-15% of new mothers, you are not alone, get help and if it doesn't improve go back to the doctor until you find a medication that does work for you. Ok lesson over...**


	49. Chapter 49

**Christmas Day**

 **Chapter 49**

It was Harry not Leo that woke early on Christmas morning. To be fair he'd not really slept, he'd just had a few fitful periods of vivid dreaming interspersed with hours staring at the ceiling. He was in the room he'd used to stay in when he visited with his wife. Except this time he was sharing the bed with Leo.

How could he tell Leo what he knew without making it worse?

How much did Leo actually remember?

By telling him, was he giving him back memories that Leo had worked hard to blot out? He would forget them soon anyway. That's how memory worked. He'd read the research.

Children up to the age of 8 could remember events back to age 2 or 3. Leo wasn't three for another month or so. He would be able to remember Laurie for a while, but by the time he was a teenager those earliest memories would have shifted and he'd not remember anything that happened before the age of four or five. All he would have would be a photograph of her.

What had Harry got?

'Mommy memries,' that's what Leo had called them. After Krystia's revelation his memories of his wife were less clouded than they had been. He was still confused as to what he actually knew about her. But he did know that she hadn't ever lied to him. Concealed the truth? Yes. Lied to his face? No.

When they had first met Laurie had been outgoing and fun, a risk taker. She'd been imaginative whereas he was scientific. She'd been spontaneous whereas he had always preferred a plan. But inside she had not been the strong confident person that the exterior had suggested. She'd had that air of vulnerability. Is that what he'd found attractive? Someone he could care for? He'd got his wish there. Did he go for girls that needed help because all he really wanted was for someone to stop and help him? To make his old hurts go away? Hadn't he grown out of that yet?

Did he even know Laurie at all? Would he forget her like Leo would? Did he want to?

Why couldn't she have told him? Before it got to be a problem. There must have been a better solution. The hamster wheel of guilt and sorrow span round and round in his brain. Being in this house did nothing for his clarity of thought. The more he thought about the family he was spending Christmas with the more he realised; he didn't know any of them.

Leo turned in his sleep and called out something unintelligible. But he settled immediately and didn't appear to be having a nightmare. His breathing was easy, and his face relaxed. Harry brushed the hair from his face. He'd have to see about getting it cut soon, he suspected it wouldn't be one of Leo's favourite activities. Maybe Nikki would take him.

Nikki.

He lay back on his pillow and stared back at the ceiling. There she was again at every turn.

Did he know her better than he'd known Laurie?

Is that where it had gone wrong?

That time that they'd worked together. Those years had been so intense. The things they'd dealt with. He'd lost count of the times that he'd held her tight in his arms. Not out of some colleague friendly hug scenario. But because the fear and pain that one or other or both of them were experiencing was so great – SO great that the only thing to be done to keep death and disaster at bay was to cling to the other person as if they were a life raft, to bow their heads to each other, a silent prayer of survival to fight another day and to weather out the battering of whatever storm it was that they were caught in the middle of.

She'd seen him at his worst. There were those days he could barely remember after she and Leo had dragged him back from Budapest. He wasn't sure exactly of the details just that he'd spent hours staring, silent and rigid; and all the time she'd been there. Her arms around him, her face gently resting on his back, calming him, solidifying his presence. Bringing him back. And what had he done then? Walked out. Left her. Hid up in some hole and drunk and wept himself into a stupor of forgetting and after a week of that walked back into the Lyell as if nothing had happened.

And she'd not been immune to tragedy. He'd returned the favour to her on more than one occasion. Held her tight as she'd said goodbye to Leo Dalton, the first time they'd nearly lost him. Held her in his arms whilst she shivered naked in her bed, tormented by her own nightmares and real life monsters. And that night after he'd stood in a building surrounded by bombs and she'd had a gun pointed at her head… They'd woken up the next morning, still with their arms around each other, huddled together on his couch, neither of them willing to let go in case the trembling and fear began again.

He knew her.

She knew him.

It had been terrifying.

She used to make him so angry. F*!^ing any inappropriate guy that strayed into her path. Why'd she do that?

Because he was a useless shit probably.

Why did she still care?

She was so bloody stubborn!

Why hadn't he ever taken those Christmas party kisses further?

Because she was too important to lose.

And he was a loser.

He was then, and still was today. That smirk Krystia had given him as she'd flounced out after threatening him about leaving.

How was he going to get through the next couple of days?

He closed his eyes and wished for the oblivion of sleep.

\- o -

Harry wasn't sure how he would manage to sit at a table and share a Christmas meal with Laurie's family. He couldn't even look his mother in law in the eye after their conversation the day before and he doubted he'd be able to eat at all. But he had found himself placed as far down the table as possible with Leo on one side and Laurie's brother Greg on the other. He was more than grateful that Leo had not been stuck on the kiddie table and the caterers had done well, the food was delicious. He'd draw even more attention to himself by not eating and this was one part of the day that Leo would enjoy.

It was dry and mild out, clear blue skies. No white Christmas in New York, so as soon as the meal was finished Harry and Leo went to play outside, they dug around with sticks, watched the insects scurrying about and more importantly avoided the cousins and assorted family members. They'd even caught sight of a chipmunk waking up for a mid- hibernation snack and Harry's favourite North American bird; the common grackle. The sunlight glinted off its black neck revealing the beautiful blue colour. It was a perfect winter's day.

Even more cousins and second cousins had arrived before lunch. Harry had talked to Laurie's brother Greg, but most of the others didn't really know what to say to him, and he certainly didn't know what to say back. Not after what he'd just found out.

"You do know Father Christmas couldn't bring Mummy back, don't you." Harry asked Leo as they turned over a fat branch and watched the woodlice scurry.

Leo nodded and looked slightly confused. He wrinkled his nose and then signed 'no Mommy."

"You're right Leo. Father Christmas can't bring Mummy back."

Leo stamped his foot and repeated the signs from outside Santa's grotto.

"I don't understand Leo, can you tell me? There's no one else around. No one but me can hear you."

'I like train' Leo signed and heaved a big sigh.

"I like the train set too, Leo. Father Christmas knew exactly what you liked, didn't he?"

Leo nodded and gently picked up a worm, and watched it wriggle over his hand. He dropped it back into the soil and watched the worm dig its way back underground.

"I know it was Gramma who told you to keep that secret. Nikki didn't quite get it right did she?"

This time Leo shook his head.

"It's not a secret anymore. Gramma told me everything that happened. I'm sorry Gramma frightened you. She won't ever do it again."

'Bad medicine mommy dead.' Leo signed.

"Yes Leo, the bad medicine made Mommy have an accident in the car and she died."

'Mommy happy?'

"Mummy loved you very much." Harry said.

Leo nodded.

"We're going to be alright, you know. You and me." Leo hugged Harry. "You make me very happy, Leo."

'I love you' Leo signed.

"I love you too." Harry signed back.

* * *

 **References to Bloodlines, Shadows, A guilty mind and Intent, hardly spoilers after all this time. All SW stuff does belong to the BBC in case I forgot the disclaimer.**


	50. Chapter 50

**Chapter 50**

Leo ran off and began to poke his stick in a small hole in a tree. He tipped his head on one side, concentrating on whatever he was watching. It was too far away for Harry to identify. Harry sat down on the fallen branch. Laurie's brother had popped out for some air and asked him why he couldn't stay, now he was back. He'd easily be able to get another teaching job. He'd make better money than he would in London and he'd be able to afford a house he'd actually want to live in.

"I can't" Harry replied. "I think we need a new start entirely. Being here, I'm not sure it's good for Leo."

"How so?"

Krystia was Greg's mother too. Greg had always been decent to him. He was the reason Harry had escaped New York in the first place. He shuddered, he couldn't tell him what Krystia had done. There was some information, you just didn't need to know about your mother.

"It's alright Harry. You don't have to tell me. If everything was Jim Dandy between you all, you'd be in there swilling egg nog and singing round the tree rather than playing insect detectives out here and freezing your tookus off."

Harry laughed.

"Anyway," Greg continued. "I wasn't asking about what Leo wanted. I was asking about what you wanted."

Harry stopped and thought. The sunlight warmed him and the view across the garden was glorious.

"It's just…" Harry paused. "It's just not home."

"Ah," said Greg knowingly. "Just can't get enough of that drizzle and cloudy grey skies?"

Harry shook his head and laughed again. He held out his hand to shake Greg's.

"I hope it works out for you Harry. Don't lose touch."

"Thanks Greg. For everything."

He was so tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying to be something that he wasn't, to fit into places that were entirely the wrong shape. Tired of never managing to get what he wanted. He wanted something new. He wondered what Nikki was doing, he checked his watch. She'd probably already be in bed. He tried to imagine what it would be like, if the three of them were together as a kind of family as she'd suggested. He didn't want it to be like any of the families he had known previously. But knowing Nikki he suspected that wouldn't be difficult. She never followed the crowd.

Leo adored her, there was no question about that. Under her influence Leo's nightmares had stopped and he'd even started speaking again. She'd done what he'd asked, she had been consistent, patient, non-judgemental. She was brilliant with him.

He looked up as he heard a sharp crack. The stick Leo had been using had snapped in half. Leo shrugged his shoulders at his father, brushed his palm with one hand and waved the stump of his original stick.

Harry felt his pulse quicken. It was the same sign. You always had to understand the context, he'd explained that to Nikki months ago. The sign did mean clean, but it didn't only have to mean clean. Leo didn't want a clean stick.

"You need a new stick," he called out to his son, hearing his voice crack.

Leo didn't want his old Mommy back. He wanted… He wanted a new… Leo wanted Nikki.

Harry sucked in a breath.

And what about him? He didn't love Nikki in the way that he'd loved Laurie. But the way he felt about Laurie had become so bound up in his role as her carer; he'd lost sight of what he really felt. He'd been barely passed the initial infatuation when she'd fallen pregnant. He wasn't sure what he felt for her.

If he thought back further, before his move to the States it was hard to clearly remember a time when Nikki hadn't been in his life. She'd not been there at University or when he first started with Sam and Leo, but somehow he felt as if he'd known her forever.

Instead he tried to imagine a life in the UK for Leo and himself but without Nikki. He felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up and his stomach knot. It was just like those times when she'd gone missing, or he'd found her bleeding and unconscious. The compulsion he had to find her, save her at any cost. He'd tucked those feelings far out of sight when he left for New York, but now they were slipping through the cracks and coming back to him.

It was as if in London she'd been stood too close to him, he'd never really seen her. Back here with his vantage point he could see all that she was. She was his Nikki, his friend, his sounding board, his inspiration, his security, one of two adults who loved him just as he was and loved his son in the same unconditional way.

Why had he been so blind? What had happened to him over the last years to make him so dull? How had there been something else going on right under his nose that he had seen? He had to go back, find his way back to her heart properly. Not just because she felt sorry for him. He'd tell her as soon as he got back. His guilt over his wife's death had shifted substantially since his mother-in-law's confession. Time had moved on and so could he.

He looked up at Leo, and saw him shiver.

"It's probably time to go back in, you look like you're getting cold." he suggested. "It'll start getting dark soon."

"I like out here," Leo signed. "Out here, Daddy and Leo happy."

"You're right," Harry agreed and searched the ground for his own stick. The sun flashed on his wedding ring. He slipped it off and zipped it into his jacket pocket and picked up his own stick,

'New stick,' he signed.

Leo looked up a pleased expression playing about his eyes.

"Did you really want to ask Father Christmas for a new mummy?" Harry asked and began to poke the stick into the hole in the tree.

He saw Leo nod his head.

"I'm sorry I didn't understand at first." Leo ran round to the other side of the tree, and scooped some earth away from the roots. There was already a hole there, made by some creature. Harry considered asking Leo if he'd thought about who the new mummy should be, but realised it wasn't necessary.

"What do you think we'll find?" Harry asked instead, scraping more earth away with his stick. "Snakes? Bats? Foxes? Owls? – A Gruffalo?"

He watched Leo chuckle in response to his ludicrous suggestions and felt a weight lift from his shoulders.


	51. Chapter 51

**Chapter 51**

Despite sleeping on and off during the trip, Leo was still drowsy when they landed and Harry found himself pushing the trolley with their baggage including an extra box of stuff from his apartment and holding Leo in his arm, half resting on the handlebar of the trolley. He felt his phone vibrate, he'd only just switched it back on and jiggled Leo to a more comfortable position so he could check the message. It was from Nikki.

"Green Level, Section P row 17"

He smiled and pushed the trolley into the lift. He could feel his heart thumping. He'd have to try and play it cool. She could have changed her mind. Despite previous conversations where she'd been eager for the three of them to all be together, he had treated her badly. She might have finally got fed up with him. Leaving her this Christmas could have been the last straw. She could have met someone since he'd been away. That colleague of hers, he was always on the horizon and featured heavily in the stories about work she had told him. And in those last weeks since Nikki had made her discovery about Leo's trauma, Harry had been so cold to her, only when Leo started to speak had things begun to thaw.

The doors opened and he pushed down the handle and tried to get the trolley across the gap between the lift and the pavement. The jolt woke Leo and he whimpered into Harry's neck. He negotiated the corner and then he saw her waiting for them. He watched her smile at them both and felt his heart beat even faster.

"Let me help," she said stepping forward.

Harry bent forward to tip Leo into her arms and caught her startled look. It had seemed the most natural thing in the world, to hand Leo over to her, but as he thought about it, he realised how observant Nikki had been about letting Leo have his own personal space, and how Leo had reached out and held her hand but he'd never seen him giving her a hug. Both of them had kept Nikki at arms-length all this time, and here she was picking them up from the airport when there were a million other things she could have been doing.

Leo wriggled in Harry's arms, aware of the loss of warmth.

"Can Nikki carry you Leo? Daddy's arm's tired."

Leo opened his eyes blearily and nodded. He smiled at Nikki, reached out and circled his arms around her neck and pressed his face into her shoulder. He wasn't as heavy as she had imagined and his hot breath tickled her neck.

"Welcome back!" she said, a half choke in her voice, bouncing Leo gently on her arm to settle him into a comfortable space.

"Can you manage?" Harry asked, nodding towards his sleepy son. Nikki nodded in reply. Something was different she noted. Harry had only been gone a matter of days, but she could feel something had changed and it wasn't just the feel of Leo clinging to her side.

At the car she jutted out one hip and balanced Leo on it, so she could fish out her car keys with her free arm. She caught Harry giving her a lopsided grin. Harry put the bags and box in the boot and replaced the trolley as Nikki buckled Leo into his car seat, when she closed the door she turned to find Harry stood close to her. If she'd been less of a scientist she'd have sworn the air crackled between them.

"I missed you." He said seriously and pulled her towards him. He clung on tighter than Leo. It reminded her of another airport car park many years before. But he'd got no bag in his hand this time, and both his arms were around her.

He pulled back and looked into her eyes. The noise of the busy car park and the planes taking off faded into nothingness. He'd rehearsed so many things to say to her on the plane, not to manipulate her like the last time he'd come back but right now he couldn't remember a single word.

"Nikki," he exhaled, pulled her towards him and kissed her hard on the lips.

It took Nikki a moment to catch up, but catch up she did and she responded warmly.

"Nikki," Harry gasped. "Sorry… I… So much to stay… I…

"It's alright Harry," she said calmly, placing her own gentle kiss on to his lips.

"Welcome back Harry," she said with a smile that extended all the way to her eyes. She'd spotted it immediately, that old look in his eyes, that spark that had been missing. He really was back. All of him. She felt her face go hot under his intense gaze.

"I have never met anyone else like you. You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me." He finally managed to stutter out. His eyes round with wonder.

"One of?" she queried.

Harry tipped his head towards the car and his son.

Nikki smiled.

"Nikki, I need to tell you something."

"It's not about my pig headed stubbornness is it? Come on," she said briskly, "Get in, we could make it out of here before I get charged for the extra half hour." Harry felt himself waver. Maybe she wasn't ready. Maybe she had changed her mind. He was banking on that stubbornness, to keep her in his corner. And that kiss, it hadn't been like any of the ones he remembered.

Harry pointed to the steering wheel and tapped his fingertips together. Nikki chuckled and Harry released the breath he was holding. He cocked his head to one side, waiting for her to translate, to check she'd understood his meaning. Even he hadn't translated correctly when Leo had signed it to him at the beginning of their journey.

"Let's go home," Nikki said with a smile, noticing that Harry no longer wore his wedding band.

* * *

 **References to Voids: search silent witness Harry and Nikki I missed you for the visual.**

 **Any squealing? I need to hear it…. Go on press the button.**

 **Thanks as always to my lovely reviewers especially hushedgreylily and Caramelchan. You two are the best.**


	52. Chapter 52

**For Tigpop, who always keeps me smiling and who binge read from chapter 14-51 last weekend… You are awesome.**

 **Sorry for the delay, did write you an extra chapter, then all of a sudden 53 doubled in size… Enjoy. Only one more batch of three after this set. Thanks too to all the guest reviewers. Great to hear from you.**

* * *

 **Chapter 52**

"It wasn't all my fault!" Harry shouted suddenly, Nikki jumped, missed the exit from the airport roundabout and had to go all the way round again.

"Oops, sorry," he muttered, as the car lurched round.

"Nikki, you were right. I mean you were wrong. But you were right," Harry began again, more quietly after Nikki had negotiated her way out of the airport terminal and safely back to the motorway.

She flicked her head towards him and back to the road. She could literally see the nervous energy bouncing off him.

"That time you made the cookies with Leo,"

"Yes…"

"You were right, Leo did sneeze on some cocaine and was smacked for it. But it wasn't Laurie."

Nikki darted him another look. That was good news, but at the same time if it wasn't Laurie then who could it have been?

"There were plenty of things that she hid from me, but she never lied to my face."

Nikki could see Harry staring out of the side window. Something momentous had obviously happened and Harry was trying to explain it to her. But in terms of a flowing narrative, he wasn't doing well. However if Harry could explain what had happened to Leo and had felt able to kiss her like that in the car park, he'd definitely left the worst of his demons behind this time.

"I'm glad you discovered the truth," she said. But Harry wasn't really listening to her.

"But she didn't choose me. She didn't choose us!" Harry said emphatically.

"You might need to back up a bit, I'm not keeping up," Nikki confessed.

He snapped round to face her, almost surprised that she was still there.

"You still want me? Want us?" He asked tremulously. She reached out with her left hand and clasped his.

"I do," she said. "You think I'd be out at silly o'clock picking you up from the airport, if not?"

"You're always up at silly o'clock," Harry retorted.

"That's what I'm paid for," Nikki replied. "Start at the beginning Harry. After Leo was born your wife suffered with post-natal depression. He'd been in an incubator for the first few weeks of his life and she'd found it hard to bond with him."

Said in Nikki's voice, this made perfect sense. He'd not thought about it like that before. Poor Laurie. The odds really were stacked against her. He nodded and carried on the story.

"She'd tried some antidepressants but they didn't suit her and that's when she went back to the coke."

"Where did she get it from?"

"Ah, now that is really the kicker!" Harry explained.

"I'm pretty sure her GP, didn't prescribe it for her."

"No. Worse." Harry said simply. "It was her mother…"

"What?" Nikki exploded and then checked the rear view mirror to see that Leo was still asleep.

"But…" began Nikki, her mind racing away with the story now, of a mother's stupidity, a wife's weakness and Harry's attempts to help.

"You!" she blustered. "You sent her back to her mother's when…" She couldn't finish. She couldn't say the words.

"I gave her a choice Nikki, rehab, hospital or her parents. It was her decision. She knew what she was choosing. She didn't choose me. She didn't choose Leo." He sighed.

Nikki at least began to understand some of his earlier statements.

"She just didn't ever believe she had a problem, and maybe that was her family's fault. Maybe it was my fault. I gave her the choice Nikki and if she'd have chosen rehab or a mental health facility then she might still be here. But she didn't. I am not responsible for that decision. I gave her the choices, she chose her path.

Nikki began to breathe more evenly again. Leaving his emotional baggage behind more than made up for the extra box of belongings he'd returned with.

"But what about Leo?" Nikki asked. "If it wasn't Laurie? Who hurt him?"

"That was her mother too. Leo surprised her, sneezed on her stuff. She hit him, yelled at him. All the things you said Nikki. You were right. You just got the wrong person."

"Her mother was using too!" Nikki took her eyes off the road to stare at Harry.

She saw him nod.

"Seriously?" Nikki asked incredulous.

"Recreational…" He shrugged. "I'm sorry I didn't believe you. I mean I did believe you but I didn't want to believe you, but I saw him too Nikki. He was so scared. How could she have done that to her grandson?"

"Is that why she started the custody suit? Keep him over there. Keep everything secret?"

"I don't know why they did that. His Grandfather is ok, but Krystia doesn't even seem to like Leo much. Maybe she just feels guilty."

"A narrow escape for Leo then, if he'd not been yours."

Harry shuddered. Knowing what he knew now. If he'd had to have sent Leo back to Krystia. It was too repulsive to contemplate, even if he hadn't been genetically his. He wouldn't wish that on any child.

"You alright?" Nikki asked.

Harry scrubbed his hand through his hair. "It's been tough," Harry admitted. "Leo's regressed. He's not really spoken since we left." He let out a sigh. "Tough but good… no not good… productive." Harry lapsed into silence and stared out of the window again, glad to see the familiar landmarks near to Nikki's home.

"I'm sorry Nikki," he suddenly began. "I've been blabbering on. I've not asked you anything. Did you have a good Christmas?"

"Surprisingly I did," Nikki replied. "I had Christmas dinner at the Salvation Army drop in centre."

Harry turned to her and raised an eyebrow.

"I met someone there…"

"Oh," began Harry.

"I met a woman," Nikki shot him a look.

"Ooh..."

"Harry!" Nikki chuckled. He'd left his baggage behind, but not his insecurities or his sense of humour.

"She promised to pray that you'd find your way home."

"What and now you believe again? Because I managed to get myself and Leo on the 9.55am from Kennedy to Heathrow?"

"Harry!" She laughed. "I just don't feel quite so adrift."

"I understand," Harry agreed. He felt exactly the same, as if he'd been standing on sand for years and now instead of the ground shifting beneath him all the time, it was as if he was resting on something sturdier, something solid, something safe. A rock.


	53. Chapter 53

**Chapter 53**

Leo hadn't made any fuss about going to bed. Harry brushed his teeth for him, despite Leo still being half asleep and even changed him into his pyjamas without fully waking him. There had been one change though. He'd wanted Nikki to say good night to him. She sat on the bed and held his hand.

"I hope you had a good Christmas. You can tell me all about it tomorrow."

Leo nodded sleepily.

"I'm glad you're back." Nikki said and bent down and kissed his forehead. She was half waiting for the screams to begin especially after Harry's comment about Leo's regression, but Leo just closed his eyes and snuggled further under the covers.

"You alright?" Harry asked, as she sat at the kitchen table. Harry had already put the kettle on.

It was just another evening in Nikki's kitchen, sharing a drink and a catch up together. But both were aware that this evening was different to all the previous ones. She wasn't quite sure what to say.

"I'm glad you came back."

"How could I stay away?" Harry asked. Pulled her to her feet and swept her into his arms, burying his face in her shoulder for the second time that evening. Nikki could feel his heart pounding, but then it could have easily been her own.

She stroked the hair at the back of his head. "Sh," she soothed. "It's going to be alright." Harry clung on for a few more minutes.

"I've got so much I want to say… So much to explain." He pulled away from her slightly, stroked her cheek with his hand and smoothed her hair. He shifted his weight and tried to look serious. "Nikki, so much has happened, but the most important thing is you." He swallowed and thought back through the words he'd prepared on the plane. He reached out and took her hand.

"Nikki, I came back with nothing and you took us in. I was angry and unkind and you put up with me. I was silent and stand offish and you stood by me. You saw Leo at his worst and it didn't faze you. You and Leo are the best things in my life and I…" He drew in a breath, his eyes hadn't left hers for a second.

"Harry it's ok. I understand."

"It has to be said Nikki. Please let me do this." He rubbed his thumb over her hand.

"I don't know why it's different with you, but it is. You, me and Leo. It's what I want. Is it really what you want?"

Nikki exhaled and nodded and looked at the man in front of her. Same trendy glasses and salt and pepper hair. Same scar on his forehead and eyebrow, same green eyes, but the defeated look had been replaced with hope dashed with a little fear. His gaze had rediscovered its old intensity and that spark and undercurrent of attraction that had been missing all those last months was back. She felt that old familiar flip flop in her belly and stepped towards him. It was as if now his presence filled up more space than his actual being and she found herself drawn in, engulfed by the aura of need and respect and love and desire. It was intoxicating. She'd never seen Harry quite like this but as powerful and dangerous as it was she wasn't backing away. Her Harry was back.

"It's what I want," she confessed. "I want you."

She heard her voice shake, not because what she was saying was untrue, just the opposite. Previously they had used jokes and banter, more recently they had managed to live together without actually saying anything at all. But these words for her were true and real and honest. Those moments of honesty between them were as rare and precious as jewels. It was exhilarating and terrifying in equal measure.

"But the other men… the unsuitables…"

"I could ask you the same!" she retorted.

"Nikki, please. I've never been more serious about anything before."

"They were only there because I couldn't have what I really wanted." She said softly.

"Oh Nikki, I'm sorry."

"No more apologies, no more regrets." She said placing a finger on his lips. "It was all for the best. Otherwise I'd never have you now and I wouldn't have Leo." Harry kissed the finger against his lips and pulled it gently away.

"I'm in love with you." Harry stated, looking deep into her eyes.

"I…" Nikki stuttered, "I thought you needed time, I…"

"Nikki we've been living together for six months and we've been in love for over a decade. I think that's probably a long enough preamble."

Nikki nodded and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I think you're probably right."

"Probably?" Harry raised an eyebrow.

Nikki chuckled, that deep throated laugh that had always played havoc with Harry's hormones.

"A lots changed, Nikki. I've changed. Someone once said, 'love isn't finding someone you can live with, it's finding someone you can't live without.' I can't live without you Nikki. I can't. We can't. Have us back? Please?"

She nodded and kissed him.

"Those Christmas kisses –"Harry started.

"Yes?"

"You know why?"

Nikki shook her head.

"Because once a year I could will myself to believe that there could be a happy ever after for me, some Christmas magic that I could catch and make reality go away for once. It was only then that I could believe that someone like you would be interested in someone like me."

"We needed Leo." Nikki confirmed.

"You should have heard his Christmas wish," muttered Harry referring to a different Leo.

"I thought wishes had to be secret to come true?"

"He was taken to see Father Christmas, he had to tell him his Christmas wish."

"Did he?"

"No! We never even made it through the door." Harry chuckled.

"What did he ask for?"

"His Daddy to be happy."

"And…" Nikki prompted, aware there was more to come.

"A new Mummy." Harry declared no longer misinterpreting Leo's signing. Nikki caught her breath and found her eyes filling with tears almost before she realised it.

"I love you Nikki. Leo loves you. Let's all be together?"

"So you believe in Christmas wishes now?" she asked with a sniff, trying to make a joke to help compose herself.

"I believe in you." Harry said simply.

"I love you too Harry." They kissed again, gently and with less urgency than earlier. There was no hurry now. There never would be.

"And I love Leo more than you can imagine. You, me and Leo it's all I've ever wanted. And you brought him back to me."

"It wasn't me. That boy was lost, we were both lost. You brought us back. You're the only one who could have done that."

The lost child. Could she finally rest now, she wondered? Was that quest over? Is this what it had all been about? Finding a family to replace all that she had been denied as a child. If it was. It was probably worth it. She leant forward again, her eyes drawn to his lips and gave herself up to the feeling of Harry holding her tight. She rested her forehead against his. The way his hands were moving clearly indicated what he wanted but she could still sense him holding back.

"Harry?" she whispered.

"Is this as big for you as it is for me?" Harry half croaked, half groaned. She could feel his hands shaking as he worked on the buttons of her blouse.

She was tempted to make some joke in response, but their time for jokes and innuendo had passed.

"You're serious about us?" Harry asked. His lips now followed the path his hands had just taken, and Nikki felt herself tighten her hold on him as her legs began to buckle.

"Make love to me Harry," she invited.

And with that there was no need for any more words. The dam that had been holding back all of Harry's passion and love and desire for all those years finally gave way and out poured a torrent of kisses and caresses so gentle and yet so fierce, Nikki couldn't help but cry out his name.

"Sh! Don't wake Leo. You'll have to be quiet." Harry insisted.

Nikki giggled and reached back up to kiss him. She'd thought those Christmas kisses had been pretty passionate but she'd never been kissed by Harry like this. She'd never kissed by anyone like this.

She had a fleeting sensation of being watched as she'd had once before when kissing a man in her kitchen just after Harry and Leo had arrived. She opened her eyes and saw Leo watching them from the doorway. He gave her the thumbs up sign, put his finger to his smiling lips, turned and tiptoed back to his bed.

* * *

 **I shall leave you and your wonderful imaginations for the next bit. Writing arguments is SO much easier.**


	54. Chapter 54

**Chapter 54**

Harry was awake and staring at the ceiling again. But it wasn't guilt and self-loathing making his head spin that morning. It was something altogether more pleasant. He looked across to Nikki's sleeping form, her hair splayed out over the pillow, her arms tucked protectively across her chest. It had been a long time since he'd woken up to a woman he loved in his bed. Even with Laurie he was never quite sure who he would wake up to once the addiction had truly taken hold. All the sudden changes of personality and mood. It was exhausting. He smiled to himself and enjoyed the feeling of warm contentment. He may have only made love to this woman for the first time yesterday but he knew her more intimately than anyone else he had ever known.

And she knew him.

And she'd chosen to have him back.

So this is what being in love can feel like, he thought. It was new, different. He liked it.

He silently offered a prayer of thanks to Leo Dalton for letting her stay all those years ago. Harry had been the first to suggest it. They were overworked and she was certainly good at her job, he'd probably fallen in love or perhaps awe with her when he overheard her berating the lab for not sending their results through quick enough and there was no doubt she was very easy on the eye.

But it had been Leo's decision to offer her the locum position: six months. Leo had doubled Harry's measly three month suggestion.

They'd always needed Leo.

He wondered how the other Leo was doing. He'd slept so much on the plane he was surprised he was still asleep. But then the boy was probably emotionally exhausted. Would he have taken him back, if he'd known before what Krystia had done?

Probably not.

But he was glad that he had.

\- o -

Greg had driven them to the airport on the 27th. Leo had given his grandfather a warm hug and had even given Krystia a brief squeeze and signed 'thank you.'

"You will bring him again won't you?" Krystia had asked.

Harry nodded. "We'll need some time to settle down again, so not soon. When he's a bit bigger. He is your grandson." Even Harry managed to shake his mother-in-law's hand.

"I won't touch the stuff now,"Krystia whispered in his ear, pulling him toward her to kiss his cheek. "Not since Laurie. I can't… I'm sorry." She stuttered. Harry looked at her, she did genuinely look repentant.

"I'm sorry too. I'm glad we came." Harry replied, picked up Leo and swung him into the car.

\- o -

"You alright?" he heard a sleepy voice murmur.

"Mm hmm." Harry replied. "Sorry did I wake you?"

Nikki rolled over to face him and he leaned over to kiss her.

"You're beautiful," he said sincerely.

"What time is it?" Nikki asked.

"After six, I'm surprised Leo's not awake."

Almost on cue, they heard a gentle thump as Leo slipped out of bed and the patter of his footsteps as he made his way to Nikki's room. He opened the door, put his books on the end of the bed and then set about climbing up on to the bed. He looked from Harry to Nikki and back to Harry again, crawled up the middle of the bed and settled himself between them.

"Morning!" Harry said.

Leo crawled down the middle of the bed again, collected his books and pushed them back up the bed and climbed in between them again.

Nikki propped herself up and turned on the light.

"I've missed story time while you've been away."

Leo pointed at himself and Harry and then at the bed.

"Oh, you're back now," Nikki guessed at the signs. Leo nodded and snuggled closer. Putting his favourite book in her hands.

"You still want the Gruffalo?" Nikki asked.

Leo nodded.

"Have you ever noticed how much Nikki looks like the Gruffalo?" Harry asked Leo, picking up sections of Nikki's hair and letting them drop around her face.

Leo's face was a picture of shock and concern, he signed an emphatic 'no.'

"Maybe he looks more like Daddy?" Nikki opened the book and pointed to a picture. "If we drew some glasses on… What do you think?"

Leo realised that they were playing a game, they were both smiling. He rested his head on Nikki's arm. He pointed at the picture again and made his own sign.

"You think the Gruffalo looks like Gramma!" Harry exclaimed.

Leo shook his hand over his heart. Nikki saw Harry swallow.

"Gramma frightened Leo. The Gruffalo frightens the mouse."

Leo nodded and then began to sign again. Harry sat up so he could see what Leo was saying more easily.

"Gramma no frighten Leo now." Harry translated and Leo nodded. "The mouse is cleverer. Gramma won't frighten Leo ever again." Harry added. "Gramma was sad about Mommy. Gramma promised there would be no more bad medicine." Leo nodded sagely and began signing again but pointed to Nikki.

"He wants to tell you that we took flowers to his Mommy." Harry explained.

"Did you choose the prettiest ones?" Nikki asked. Leo nodded and smiled. He waved and tapped his head.

"We said goodbye to Mommy," Harry interpreted but Leo was already onto his next signs. "Leo and Daddy no sad now," Harry translated literally and then explained. "We went to put some flowers on Mommy's grave and we talked about how we didn't need to be sad anymore. We could remember the happy times with Mommy."

"I'm glad you were able to say goodbye Leo. But it's still ok to be sad sometimes." Nikki stopped. She was just about to say, 'you must miss your Mommy very much,' but that was such a leading statement. She'd hated it as a child when people had told her how she 'must' feel after her own mother's death. Why 'must' she feel the things they thought?

"My mummy died when I was young, older than you but I was still a child. It's ok to feel sad sometimes. Just not so good if you're sad all the time." Leo looked up at her, wriggled himself onto her lap and put his arms around her neck and laid his head on her shoulder.

"Why don't you go take a shower?" Nikki suggested to Harry, giving him an opportunity to escape before he was overwhelmed by the flood of emotions filling the room. He didn't need to be asked twice.

"You can open your Christmas present Leo. I hope you like it." She reached across to the nightstand and presented Leo with a book shaped present.

He pointed at himself.

"Yes Leo, it's a present for you, from me."

He tapped his chin to say thank you and then pointed at Nikki and signed 'no.'

"You and Daddy came back, that's more than enough of a present for me. And you gave me that lovely hug just now. Time for Leo to open his present." Nikki insisted pushing it back into his hands.

The boy tore of the paper and looked at the book. Nikki opened it to a page near the back with a picture of a Christmas tree with a Gruffalo bauble on it. Leo spotted it immediately, pointing with his finger and smiling. He turned some more pages and pointed excitedly at the picture of Father Christmas.

"It's by the same author who wrote the Gruffalo, and the same illustrator. I thought you'd like it. It's called Stick Man." Nikki turned back to the beginning and began to read the story of the Stick Man, who was separated from his family when he had unintentionally become the stick in a dog's game of fetch. After escaping the dog, a girl found the Stick Man and used him in a game of Pooh Sticks, then he had become part of a swan's nest and been washed out to sea and as the seasons changed the Stick Man got further and further from the family he loved. In the depths of winter the Stick Man had almost given up hope.

"Stick Man is lonely, Stick Man is lost,

Stick Man is frozen and covered in frost.

He can't hear the bells, or the sweet singing choir,

Or the voice that says, 'here's a good stick for the fire.'"

Nikki read and turned the page to reveal the poor Stick Man asleep in the fireplace. Leo heard the shower turn off.

"Quick Daddy. Quick!" Leo called out.

Nikki jumped at the sound of Leo's voice and Harry tore out of the bathroom, still clad only in a towel.

"What's the matter Leo?" He asked.

"Stick Man help! Father Christmas. Stuck! Stick Man lost!"

"You're talking about the book!" Harry gasped.

'He's talking!' mouthed Nikki, behind Leo's head and planted a light kiss on his hair.

Harry joined them on the bed and Nikki continued reading, as Stick Man did indeed rescue Father Christmas from being wedged up the chimney under which Stick Man had been sleeping. And in thanks Father Christmas delivered Stick Man back to his family.

"Stick Man go home!" Leo said in wonder as Nikki finished the final page. "Stick Man no get lost again?"

"No." agreed Harry. "Stick Man's home now. Stick Man won't get lost again."

"Nikki get Daddy present?" Leo asked.

"Nikki has just given Daddy his present," Harry smiled and kissed them both.

Leo looked between the two adults again and stated categorically. "Leo get Nikki real present."

* * *

 **Suggestions for presents gladly received...**

 **Stick Man and The Gruffalo by Julia Donaldson and Axel Scheffler. Stories available on YouTube if you're not familiar with the books.**


	55. Chapter 55

**Sorry for the delay. So this was 3 chapters until Jack butted in with more to say and then the others wouldn't keep quiet either, so there are 4 chapters to finish with. With thanks to everyone who's read and especially if you've reviewed. Thanks so much for your kind comments and to a couple of people who have binge read the whole thing over half term. Super thanks and Leo's birthday cake to Tigpop, Hushedgreylily and Caramelchan who have faithfully reviewed and supported me all the way.**

* * *

 **February**

 **Chapter 55**

"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Leo, Happy Birthday to you." Sang Harry, Nikki, Anne, Leo's nursery friend Emily and her mother at Leo's low key birthday party. It was more of a play date than a party, just with Grandma, extra food for the children – and of course a birthday cake.

"Blow out the candles Leo," encouraged his Grandma. "You can make a wish."

Nikki shot Harry a look and Harry stared pointedly at his mother.

"What? You always have a birthday wish." Anne retorted.

Leo screwed up his eyes and made a show of thinking hard then gave the candles a big blow and smiled contentedly as everyone clapped and cheered.

Harry cut the cake and served it, and they sat and ate at the kitchen table. Looking about her kitchen, Nikki noticed that one set of her cupboards still had their handles tied together as they had been when Harry had child proofed her kitchen all those months ago. She barely noticed the changes he'd made now. So much had changed in the last eight months. Leo and Emily licked at the buttercream icing and ate the chocolate drops from their cakes, then Leo tapped his chin and pointed over to the bricks he had been playing with.

"Yes, you may get down," Harry answered.

"Thank you. Please get down?" Emily asked and Harry nodded again. The two children ran back to the game they had been playing. Emily carefully gave Leo the instructions and Leo followed along precisely.

"They play so nicely together," Nikki commented to Emily's mother, Sally. "We all enjoy it when she comes over to play, she's so good with Leo."

"Thanks for having her so much. I didn't think Freddie's arrival would cause the upheaval it has. But all those extra doctor's appointments. You've been so kind."

"It's not a problem. It's sometimes easier having her here than just having Leo on his own," Harry admitted. "And anyway, you took Leo for us the other morning. Emily's never made any comment about Leo's signing."

"I asked her about that," Sally began. "I asked her how she could play such good games with Leo when he didn't talk to her. Do you know what she said?"

"No?"

"She gave me one of those looks that only a three year old can give you and said. 'Don't be silly Mummy of course he talks,' and then ran off back to what she was doing. I really don't think she's noticed."

"Children are curious creatures, and Leo is certainly a one of a kind," Anne admitted. "He's just like his father was at that age in many ways. Harry's always had a stubborn streak."

"Mum…" Harry warned in a low tone.

"It's true darling, until you learned to read; which was mercifully, before you went to school you were a peculiar child. After that you always had your head in a book…"

"Mum."

"What? You and Leo are like peas in a pod! All the Cunningham men have needed a strong woman by their side. Leo's just found a friend earlier than you did. Maybe I should have done things differently," Anne mused.

"Mum!" Harry hissed again as Nikki began to chuckle.

"What's the problem with him having a birthday wish anyway?" she continued.

"Didn't you hear about his Christmas ones?" Harry asked. He'd seemed to retell the tale endlessly over the New Year, he couldn't imagine he hadn't told his own mother.

"No," Anne looked bemused, but maybe she'd just forgotten, there was a lot she seemed to forget these days.

"He was taken to see Father Christmas by his other Grandma and the two things he asked for were for his Daddy to be happy and for a new mummy!" Anne sipped her tea and laughed.

"He's got a pretty good track record of wishes coming true then, those candles had better live up to their promise. What do you suppose he wished for?"

"There's no knowing with Leo, he has such a good imagination," Nikki commented dryly.

"I hope he's not going to be disappointed this Christmas!" Anne continued.

"Still there's months before we get back to Christmas. I'm still coming to terms with what happened this Christmas!" She said and smiled at Nikki. "I don't know how you do it, but maybe you don't notice my son's faults in the same way that little Emily here hasn't noticed that our Leo doesn't talk."

"Mum!" barked Harry.

"Oh come on sweetheart. Nikki's a treasure. I'm not sure why it took you so long to realise." Anne had never passed comment on Harry's first wife. She'd not really had a chance to get to know her, and she was smart enough to realise that there was more to the story than her son was prepared to tell her and wise enough not to ask.

"I can't be brilliant at everything," Harry pouted breaking Anne's train of thought and Sally and Nikki laughed.

It was two months since Harry had properly returned. Leo had not questioned the movement of Harry from his bed to Nikki's, he'd not had nightmares, but he only spoke to them in the home and only if no-one else was present. He never mentioned their trip back to America or his other Grandmother. Following Harry's lead, Leo had reduced his need to keep his distance from Nikki and happily curled up on her lap for a story or a cuddle. His play was still very structured and he still spent hours lining up his cars, but gone was the atmosphere that he was blocking out the rest of the world, or that he was unaware of the rest of the world.

"It's very quiet in there," Harry commented. Realising that the cake on his plate had disappeared and he hadn't heard the two children for some minutes. He got up and peered around the doorway. Leo was squatting on the floor next to the car seat containing Emily's sleeping baby brother.

"Look!" Harry whispered to the others and they joined him to spy on the children.

* * *

 **And before I'm castigated for bad parenting, I'm imagining that Sally had a line of sight into the room containing her sleeping baby and she hasn't really left him alone in the clutches of two, three year olds...**

 **Leo is exhibiting far more traditional symptoms of selective mutism in this chapter, having done my research AFTER writing this I learned that the stopping talking altogether is very rare, and used mainly in books and films as a plot device. Real selective mutism is much more likely to be associated with social anxiety allowing the child to talk freely at home but becoming too anxious to speak in other contexts. Just so we all have our facts straight and I'll remember next time to do the research before the writing. So it may be a plot device… but I liked it!**


	56. Chapter 56

**Last section dedicated to my Mum, who has conquered her ipad and managed to read this online and review, with love and thanks for everything.**

* * *

 **Chapter 56**

Harry, Nikki and Sally leaned into the room to try and overhear what Emily was saying, without giving away their presence.

"Babies are really boring," Emily said looking up briefly from her bricks and across to Leo who was still studying her brother in his car seat. "I hope you didn't wish for one of those. They just sleep and cry and eat and poo," Emily explained to Leo.

Leo shook his head and Nikki breathed a sigh of relief.

"I asked Father Christmas to get me a baby sister and I still got a brother," Emily continued petulantly. Leo reached out and stroked the baby's hand softly and watched as the little fist uncurled and curled again.

"Dogs are much better," Emily informed Leo. "You should have wished for a dog. Did you wish for a dog?" Emily's mother, held her breath in an attempt to stifle her laughter.

Leo shook his head again and this time Harry breathed a sigh of relief.

"Come on, let's build a really big tower. Do you want to use the red blocks or the yellow ones this time?" Emily and Leo went back to the tub of Duplo and started connecting the pieces.

"How are you getting on with the adoption papers?" Anne asked when they had rejoined her at the table. Emily's mother picked up her daughter's licked cake and began to eat the rest of it. She caught Nikki's askance look.

"Breast feeding," she pronounced. "You can never eat enough cake. And she's not touched the good bit."

Nikki had never really considered motherhood seriously, it had never really been on the cards. She loved Leo, she would do anything for him. But she didn't feel the need to finish off his cake for him. Besides Leo was still a good eater and he'd probably come back looking for it when Emily had left. She had explained carefully to Harry how having Leo in her life was enough; she didn't need her own child and Harry had been happy to believe her after the heartache that Leo's birth had caused.

She still had her own fears about possible infertility, she'd struggled with endometriosis for years and was now mid-forties. Was it better not to try, than to try and find out that you were deficient? Less of a woman? There wasn't much Nikki had failed at in life, not if she could help it, keeping that door firmly locked made logical sense. She knew the stats. They weren't good. Furthermore she loved her job and the idea of giving it up, even for a short period of maternity leave just didn't fit. Was that selfish? She knew Harry struggled sometimes when she was out in the field, when the danger was real. He was livid that time she'd returned with bruises round her wind pipe. He would veto all field work if she were carrying his child and health and safety would no doubt ban her from the lab. It just wasn't tenable.

Leo was perfect. He was enough and with the adoption, he would be hers.

"The adoptions going ahead, it should all be finalised late summer." Nikki answered.

"Wouldn't it be easier if you just got married?" Anne asked pointedly.

"Come on Mum, we've got company. Don't embarrass Sally." Harry replied.

"I don't want to marry him," Nikki butted in.

"Charming!" Anne said sardonically. "Planning to change him for a new model soon?"

"I'm in the process of adopting his son!" Nikki laughed aware Anne was joking. The two women had forged a strong bond in the last couple of months.

"No, this way I know Harry's with me because he wants to be, not because he has to be and vice versa." Nikki insisted.

"I think that's pretty romantic," Sally agreed.

"But you're happy to wear that ring," Anne persisted.

Nikki shrugged and looked at her three coloured Russian wedding ring. "Leo chose that, it was a late Christmas present." Nikki explained. "He did ask me first, you know. It will always be the three of us." She twisted the three interlinked bands that all connected to make one ring. "I was at the solicitors collecting the paperwork to begin the adoption procedure, just after Christmas and Harry and Leo were waiting outside. Leo spotted the ring in the window of a local jewellers. When I came out both of them hurried me in to try it on and it fitted perfectly."

"I did buy it," Harry announced, feeling like his part in it all was being left out. Buying the ring as a present for Nikki was a much better use of his new hard earned money than the deposit on that lousy flat.

Anne guffawed. "The three of you are as crazy as each other, but I've never seen Harry so happy so I'm prepared to trust that you all know what you're doing."

Sally looked at her watch. "We should be going, Freddie will want feeding soon…" She walked over to the doorway. "Five more minutes Emily; then we need to go. Freddie will want some milk soon." Emily gave her mother a disgusted look and then grimaced at her sleeping brother.

"See I told you babies were boring." She said conspiratorially and Leo nodded in agreement.

"Are you really thinking about moving?" Sally asked as she returned to the kitchen.

"We just started looking at primary schools and catchment areas. If we got somewhere a bit nearer to you, then we could probably get a small house, give Leo some outside space, have a room for Harry to have as an office and we'd both be in the catchment area for that new free school, with the outstanding Ofsted reports."

"It would be lovely if they could go to school together," Sally agreed. "I'll keep my eye out for sale boards and listen to the local gossip. Come on Emily time to go. Go and get your shoes."

Anne began to tidy away the cake and plates, whilst Harry and Nikki helped Sally get Emily into her coat and shoes, and Freddie's car seat attached to the base wheels of the pram. They waved them off from the front steps.

"Bye Em'ly," called out Leo. "See you at nurs'ry."

"Happy Birthday," called back Emily. "See Mummy!" She said pointedly. "I don't know why you said Leo doesn't talk?"

Harry and Nikki looked down at Leo their mouths wide open.

"What?" questioned Leo. "I'm three now. I'm big boy." And he ran back into the house and started rearranging Emily's multicoloured Duplo towers back to monochrome ones.

* * *

 **Good to know Leo's not changed all his habits...**


	57. Chapter 57

**Chapter 57**

"Do you think that was his wish?" Harry asked.

"It's a lot better than it could have been," Nikki agreed. Harry slung his arm around her shoulder and gave her a quick hug.

"Thanks," he said, kissing the top of her head.

She looked up at him quizzically.

"For humouring my mother, adopting my son, putting up with all my faults…" She laughed and reached up and kissed him. She was just about to shut the front door when she heard a car door bang and saw Jack climb out. With his long legs, he was up the path in no time.

"I heard there was birthday cake," he said with a grin. "I even got a present." He held out a wrapped gift and Nikki eyed it suspiciously.

"Ok," he continued. "Clarissa may have been responsible for the gift…"

"Thanks," Harry said and put out his hand. "Harry Cunningham," he introduced himself.

"Hi Harry," Jack said shaking his hand warmly. "It's good to meet you in happier circumstances." Nikki looked from one man to the other. I'll take this through to Leo.

"Thanks for looking out for her," Harry said sincerely to Jack. "I know she doesn't make it easy sometimes."

"Tell me about it," Jack sighed and rolled his eyes. "Did she tell you about…"

"Stop!" begged Harry. "I don't want to know!"

Jack laughed and lightly punched Harry's shoulder. "I'm happy for you. You're good for her. I've never seen her like this. Just these last couple of days even, something else has changed – for the better. I haven't figured out what yet. She's… Jack gave up and just blew air through his teeth. Do you know?"

Harry shrugged and smiled, he was pretty sure it had something to do with the anniversary three days before, but Nikki had told Harry how good Jack was at his job. Jack was smart enough to figure that puzzle out for himself.

The two men shared a smile of solidarity and common purpose.

"You watch her back at work," Harry suggested.

"And you can take the second shift," Jack retorted.

"Come on in," said Harry with a genuine smile. He couldn't help but like Jack. When he and Nikki had worked together he had tried to protect her, but he had been hopelessly underqualified for the job.

Now Jack. Jack had great credentials. He'd laughed heartily when Nikki had first told him about Jack's cage fighting hobby but now he couldn't be more pleased. Who better to keep her safe? Someone with a great right hook and lightning reactions. His initial assessment about him being her trained Rottweiler hadn't been too far off the mark. It was just what she needed. He had no intention of ever getting on the wrong side of Jack and he could send Nikki off to work knowing she was in safe hands.

"Leo, this is Jack, I work with him. He's brought you a birthday present." Nikki said and held out the present to Leo.

Leo unwrapped it quickly and smiled up at Jack. "Minion onesie! Thanks Jack!" Jack looked from Harry to Nikki in confusion and noted their beaming faces.

"What?" They said in unison to his puzzled face.

"I thought he didn't…." Jack began. But Harry and Nikki interrupted before he could even finish,

"He's a big boy. He's three now!"

Leo slung the onesie hood over his head, so that the suit hung like a cape behind him, just as Anne entered the room with some cake for Jack.

"Banana!" shouted Leo in a minion voice.

"This is good right?" Jack whispered to Nikki.

"Brilliant," Nikki said her eyes wide with wonder.

"Banana… bottom," Leo chuckled still in the squeaky minion voice and walked with a comical waddle. Nikki was trying not to laugh, in case it upset Leo and he stopped, but she caught Harry's look and felt the giggles begin to rise. She stuffed the scarf she was wearing in her mouth.

"Shuzbut," exclaimed Leo and plumped his bottom down on the floor. Even Jack couldn't keep a straight face.

"What is he doing?" Anne asked.

"Talking!" laughed Harry.

"Yes, but complete nonsense!"

"Doesn't matter," Harry noted and scooped his son up into one arm and pulled Nikki towards him with the other. "You two are the best," Harry exclaimed, kissing and squeezing them both and causing them to laugh more.

Leo stretched out his arms to Nikki and Harry passed him across, so that Leo was in the middle between them both.

"Daddy, Nikki and Leo," said Leo, pointing to each one in turn. "Happy, like picture!"

Nikki shot Harry a quizzical look.

"Leo found the picture of us with Leo when he got his MBE, in with my old things." Harry explained.

"Oh!"

Harry passed his phone over to Jack to take a new picture.

"Do you mind?" Harry asked.

"I'd be happy to," Jack agreed.

"Leo like Leo. Good. Brave. Kind. Make Daddy Nikki happy." Leo said.

"Was that your wish?" gasped Nikki. "To be like our big Leo?"

Leo didn't actually answer, but both Nikki and Harry could read his expression.

"Leo be brave. Talk more." He said.

"You know we love you just as you are. Loud or quiet, it doesn't matter to us. You don't have to try to be like the other Leo. We love you because you're you. You're your own Leo."

"And we really love Leo, Leo makes us happy," Nikki agreed.

"Daddy, Nikki, Leo, happy," Leo repeated and they all smiled for the camera.

* * *

 **Yes this was one of the original ends, there's about 3 more to go I think. Prizes if you can spot any others.**


	58. Chapter 58

**I'm not sure where the 'flashback' scene came from, maybe a last bit of unfinished business or maybe Leo didn't want to stop talking either. I know this is the last chapter and I promised happy… but this may have a minor tissue alert…**

* * *

 **Chapter 58**

"Shall we go put this on?" Harry asked Leo. He wriggled out of Nikki's arms and ran off to his bedroom, Harry hard on his heels. Jack watched them go, then turned back to Nikki.

"What?" Jack asked in response to her stare.

"What's that look for?" she asked.

"This isn't a look."

"I didn't know you still went."

"Went where?" Jack asked.

"To see Leo. You left flowers… and wheelchair tracks."

"So the card didn't give it away," Jack added insolently. "Clarissa hadn't been before. It's always been too wet to take her, but we'd had a dry spell so we went a few days ago, before the weather changed, just before the anniversary. You went that day?"

Nikki nodded, there was no need to specify what day. They both knew. Sally had agreed to take Leo to nursery so they dropped him off early and went before work. It had been a while since Nikki had visited. She'd gone often in the beginning, many times not even making it out of the car before the overwhelming sobs wracked her body. She didn't want Leo to see her like that, so she stayed in the car until she recovered and then often drove away without even setting foot in the cemetery. She'd never known grief like it. She'd been a child when her mother had died, that had just left her cold and empty but Leo's passing, it wasn't just a void in her life – it was like a black hole; sucking all light and matter into it and to its destruction.

\- o -

She'd held Harry's hand as they walked together to the grave. They hadn't taken flowers. They'd taken each other. Leo would have been delighted to have seen them together.

"Leo said that 'love was all that remains, after we die,'" she said to Harry as they had stood there hand in hand. "Before we left for Afghanistan, that's what he said: 'all that's left of us is love.'

I wasn't left with love when he went!" Her voice took on that desperate note that Harry feared above all others. "I've not been able to love for such a long time. I thought he was wrong. But he's right isn't he Harry?" She began to tear up. "We remember him. We still love him. We know he loved us." Her tears started to fall and with Harry next to her she buried her face in his chest and allowed the sobs to come. Whereas before the tears had always left her empty and exhausted this time, as she stood there wrapped tightly in Harry's arms, she felt at peace and refreshed for the first time in years.

"It's alright, isn't it? It's alright he's gone?" Nikki asked.

"I don't like it." Harry admitted. "But I think it's time to accept it." He wiped her tears away with his fingers, and smoothed back her hair.

"You have to forgive him." He half whispered, still stroking her hair and in a voice Nikki recognised as the one he used to calm Leo down after an anxiety attack. "You told me to forgive myself… It's hard Nikki; I know it's hard, but you can't let this keep such a hold of you anymore." He wiped away the tears that still flowed.

"You do understand, don't you?" He added.

She took a deep shuddering breath, reread the inscription on the gravestone, turned back to Harry and nodded.

"I'm sorry I've been so angry with you, Leo," she sighed and rested her head back on Harry's chest. "Thanks for helping me to love again." She snuffled half to Leo and half into Harry's shirt.

"He taught us both about death and he taught us both about life." Harry stated.

Nikki snapped up her gaze to look him in the eye.

"That's exactly what I said in my eulogy," she said querulously.

"I know." Harry nodded sadly and rubbed his hands over her shoulders.

"But…" Nikki stuttered.

"Mum went for me, she couldn't stay afterwards, she had a flight the day after to come and help Laurie and me, with our Leo. She didn't know anyone except you and it wasn't the time…"

"Anne was there… For you!"

Harry nodded again and kissed her forehead. "I'm sorry. It was the best I could do."

"I thought…" Harry put his finger to her lips and shook his head.

"I'm sorry, I never made it before now," Harry added looking towards the headstone, the emotion thick in his own voice. "We've got a new Leo, we hope you don't mind. We won't forget you."

"What do you think he would say?" Nikki asked.

"About us?" Harry guessed. He saw her nod.

"About time too?" Harry suggested.

She let out the tiniest of chuckles.

"He would tell us to live, to love, to do what we do best…" Harry continued as Nikki's eyes welled up again.

"He always thought we should be together." Nikki added, surprised that Harry had chosen that moment to remove his arms from around her. She watched him bump his upturned fists together twice, it took her a while to work out what he was saying.

"Leo. You're something special," Nikki said. "Something special," agreed Harry.

Harry wrapped her back into his arms again and held her tight, they stood together in what seemed like silence after the violence of Nikki's sobs but the birds still sang in the trees and the cars could still be heard on the flyover, and a train rattled by. The sun attempted to pierce through the early morning cloud and faintly warmed them. They both stood still, lost in each other and the moment and listened to the sounds of the world carrying on around them.

"You ready?" Harry had asked some time later? "You'll be late for work…"

"No one will question it today," Nikki replied.

\- o -

"So you're glad I didn't kick them out on the street six months ago when they pitched up at the Lyell without an appointment?" Jack asked pulling Nikki's attention back to the present.

"You don't think they'd have come back? Hung around outside until I walked past? Camped out on my doorstep?"

"Knowing what I do now, I can see they wouldn't have given up so easily." Jack admitted.

"So… Will you finally get off my case?"

"Where would the fun be in that?"

They both laughed.

"I'm sorry if I was overbearing." Jack apologised.

"Don't be. I know you were just looking out for me. Thanks."

"I guess, I didn't realise." Jack continued more seriously.

"Realise what?"

"That you need them, as much as they need you. I like that you're happy."

"I do. I am." She put her arm through Jack's. "Thanks," she repeated.

"Ah!" exclaimed Jack.

"What?" Nikki asked staring at him. "What's that look for?"

"What is it with you and your looks today?" Jack tried to look innocent.

"What then?"

"You finally made your peace with Leo didn't you?" Jack asked, ready to move in case he felt her fist instead of an answer.

Instead he saw her nod, and scrub a tear from her eye. Jack did what he did best, he changed the subject and started talking:

"You're right y'know. You should be thanking me. I could have chased Harry and his son away that day. Made sure they never came near you. Told them you worked somewhere else…"

"So, what you're actually saying, is that my happiness is down to you." Nikki was glad of the chance to talk light heartedly.

"Of course! And, don't you forget it!" He grinned and looked round for his cake, extricating himself from her arm.

"Everything alright?" Harry asked, looking from Nikki to Jack and back again.

"Everything's perfect." Nikki smiled and then began to laugh as Leo dressed in his new suit began to run about the room.

Anne returned with a couple of bottles of beer and two glasses of wine on a tray.

"I think it's time for a toast," she announced.

Jack deftly grabbed one of the beers. "I couldn't agree more."

"To a happy birthday?" Harry asked as he reached for the other beer and handed Nikki a glass.

Nikki shook her head. "No. To Leo!"

"Which one?" Anne asked but she was barely heard above the noise of the others toasting Leo and clinking their drinks together.

"To Leo!"

Nikki looked about the room at her 'family': a friend, a lover, a mother and a son. Six months ago all she'd had was Jack and a festering wound in her heart in the shape of Leo Dalton. She would miss Leo, every day of her life but she wouldn't let it poison her as it had. She would choose to love, as Leo would have wanted her to. Noel Hopkins had been wrong all those years ago when he'd told her she'd left it too late to find her own way home. She wasn't abandoned now. She'd been sought out. She wasn't the lost child anymore, and nor were Harry and Leo. They were all home. They belonged together.

She felt Harry press a kiss to her hair and she looked up at him.

"You just seemed far away for a moment." Harry said.

Nikki shook her head and smiled. "No, I'm right here with you."

Leo stopped running in circles around Anne, much to her relief, and ran over to Harry and Nikki. He spread his arms as wide as he could around the two of them. Harry tried to ruffle his hair, but the hood of the minion suit was in the way. Nikki chuckled.

"I'm here. I'm home. We're all right where we belong."

"Amen to that," muttered Jack, toasting his beer bottle towards them and taking another swig.

"Daddy, Nikki, Leo, happy?" Leo asked.

"Very happy," they agreed. Harry picked up his son and held him in his arms between them. "Daddy loves Leo."

"Nikki loves Leo," Nikki added.

Leo smiled at them both, it was a smile of contentment, of security and of the overwhelming feeling that he was loved unconditionally. For the first time in his young life, he felt free. He was free. He was home.

* * *

 **References to Greater Love Season 16 Ep 10 and The Lost Child Season 12 Ep 9**

 **Lots of issues rumbling as an undercurrent or even a main theme through here, addiction, autism, selective mutism, depression, denial, bereavement, infertility, home, family, security, hope, love. I'm not claiming to be an expert in any of these, but I'm always prepared to listen.**

 **1 John 4 verse 20-21**

 **But if we say we** **love** **God and don't** **love** **each other, we are liars. We cannot see God. So how can we** **love** **God, if we don't** **love** **the people we can see? The commandment that God has given us is: "Love God and love each other!"**

 **Thanks for reading. Love D**


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